The LDS Middle Single Solution

2011-09-08T01:08:00.000-07:00

They Would Be Happy For Input From You...

2009-01-13T16:23:00.000-08:00

It was just verified today for me that it is mostly married people who are in charge of our singles program. This is part of the actual email I received:

"Please contact committee members with your ideas. They would be happy for the input from you. Many of the committee members are married couples. We sure could use some input from actual single adults. Thank you."

If this does not fill you will a desire to speak up and never stop speaking until you are heard, then we are all lost.

I believe WE (you and me) are accountable for the singles program just as much as those who are stewards over it. If we are silent, if we do not open up and let someone in, we will remain in this lonely cold state we find ourselves in at present.

Singles have enough problems, take care of the ones you can. Open up and talk to people. Maybe someone you talk to will not seem interested but you will have planted a seed. And others will hear.

I am tired of caring about this stupid program which enslaves us to the past. I hesitate to say this, but I will anyway. I have noticed how many of the stories given in talks are about many years ago. They happened before I was even born. Times are changing and they changed before today. I deal with problems someone only 10 years older could never have imagined. I am looking for current help. Days gone by are just that: GONE! Old war stories are nice for feel good stuff, but they are not quite applicable today. This program is still in the past (platform from the 70's) and it will stay there as long as people in charge direct it from their naive position. If you do not educate them of the truth out there, then you are not doing what is required and no amount of faith will get you where you want to be. This applies to many areas of our lives, but I speak specifically of many who are lonely and want a companion and of the LDS Middle Singles Program.

Make a decision to be less acquiescent and speak out. I have repeated myself for a reason, now go and repeat yourself over and over until you are heard. Give them your input. They want it. They need it. "Faith without works is dead" is a familiar quote. Do the work: Speak.

If I Left The Church, Would Anyone Care?

2008-12-18T12:18:00.000-08:00

For some time I have been struggling in my life. I have been having feelings that are unfamiliar to me, yet could not escape them. I was unable to feel the Spirit and yet I saw His presence. I could not open my heart up in prayer, yet He seemed to still know what I wanted to say. People at church told me how much of an example I was, yet I would only feel the doubt in my heart. I would read the scriptures and feel so far removed from them and what they taught. My children told me how good I was as a mother, yet I felt so dirty and afraid. I was a fraud.

What once brought me relief from struggles like this no longer worked. In the past I would sit at my piano and play out my feelings in anger, frustration, fear or sorrow. I could no longer stand to sit and look at a Hymnal, so I found no escape. I tried to read novels to distract my mind but I could not understand the words on the page. I tried to busy myself but nothing kept my interest for long and I got nothing done. I could not clean my house, go for a walk, go shopping or call a friend. I was alone with my thoughts day after day and there was nothing to rescue me. No one saw it. No one heard it. No one but me knew what went on in my head.

I was afraid to tell anyone what thoughts I was having. I still am. I fear their ridicule. I fear chastisement. I worry that terrible things will happen if anyone knew. I cannot feel my testimony right now. I try to. It is there once in a while, like an old friend. But then suddenly these thoughts come back and take it away. I cry out in pain because the misery is back and I am alone in the dark again. I feel spirits around me, offering comfort, but I cannot partake of it. There is a glass wall between us and I have no idea how to break it down or who put it up there. I pray for help sometimes, but without hope.

I do not recognize who I am anymore. I am not the old me, and this new me is frightening. I do not know what she will do or what will happen to her in life. Thoughts go through my head and I do not know where they come from. They make sense to me, yet something makes me hesitate to act upon them. Some seem harmless, yet this feeling of unfamiliarity keeps me from acting. I knew this would happen, I saw it coming, but was powerless to stop it. I had to get rid of the old feelings of doubt and anger and I knew I would struggle, but I had no idea it would be this bad.

I wonder about the gospel. I really do. I do not recognize it sometimes. When my parents died suddenly some months back in an terrible tragedy, I knew then I would change. I knew then I would have to relearn the gospel. I knew then that my life would never be the same. I liked how exciting it was to see and understand things differently. Our experiences create the perspective we look at things with and I had a big change in my perspective. I welcomed the new challenge and went head on into it. It's the way I do things.

I walked down the path before me, confident and secure with the Savior. I was led and guided and felt so much protection. Suddenly it was taken from me. I have felt destitute before in my life, but back then I felt I had a safety net beneath me, this time, there is none.

I listen to others in the church, trudging along like me. Sometimes you hear sincerity in their voices, sometimes stupidity. It is hard to not judge others. It is part of our culture. So, when I look at people, inside or outside of the church, I try to keep an open mind and look deeper than what is on the surface. I know that if I am hiding my thoughts and painting on a smiley face, chances are, they are too. I have heard over the years from unknowledgeable people how the reason why people leave the church is because they do not have a strong enough testimony. And for singles, add to that reason the other that all they want is to go have sex. As if those two things sum it all up and we can stop talking about it anymore. They made their choices, they were not valiant enough, let them reap what they have sown.

After going through this tough ordeal, one which is not yet over, I question most vehemently the validity of those statements. I question the charity involved when someone speaks so callously of another Child of God. I question their humility and see pride and an unwillingness to walk a mile in another 's footsteps. I know the pain, fear and doubts that such a person may be having. I know they often try to keep their chin up and not buckle under the immense pressure they are under. I know they doubt their own self-worth and look in the mirror and see nothing good. I know they often try so hard, reaching out to those who are stronger at that moment, asking, nay, pleading for rescue, but find nothing but air. Air in the form of judgment and criticism. Air in the form of scorn and laughing. Much like the “large and spacious building” in Lehi's dream.

It is my opinion that it is too easy to simply put someone into a category and leave them there. Much too easy. Less work that way. You do not have to get to know them. You do not have to listen to them. You do not have to pay attention and pray about what YOU need to do as stewards for the Lord's doctrine. It is too easy to focus on what you want and what you need to better your own life and the future of your own children.

I may be harsh, but I am honest. The sex drive singles deal with is incomparable to anything else anyone suffers. I would not lessen it by trying. We are scorned for having it in the first place, then looked down upon if we succumb to it's needs. Our testimonies beat upon rocks day after day as our hearts tenderest yearnings go unfulfilled. Our testimonies undertake mutations as we try to make sense of this abominable situation and only the Lord truly understands. Yet, we continue to serve. We continue to do what we believe is right. We continue to fight for the Kingdom of God, even though we have a broken heart as we do it.

Loneliness is felt by most people in this world, married or not. However, when you are single you deal with it's ugly face day after day and you cannot escape it. You go alone most places. You seek out a companion to do things with, often just about anyone will do. We fear being alone. It is quite scary. Imagine going through this life alone, without the Savior holding your hand. We all get that one. But sometimes you want to SEE someone. Hear a voice. Feel a touch. You want comfort and affection. It is NOT all about sex. Sex is the only word acceptable to use to describe the yearnings we feel. Sex is easy and acceptable as a need. But affection is not. It shows you are vulnerable and people pounce on weaknesses and exploit them. We are not safe exposing our most inner thoughts and deepest feelings. We are not safe because they must be honored and respected if we do so, and they are not.

I have little hope in my own life at this time. I can only look at the past and see how I was led and guided through the tough times and hope, well, sort of hope, that things will work out in the end. I worry that I will abandon the church. I worry that the pressure will become too great. I know if people who knew me knew just how badly I feared this, and why, they would panic themselves. They would jump into action and DO something. But my heart is too tender and full of anger and fear. You see, I am not sure I can be saved. Not in the Kingdom. Not in the church. Not in this life. Not even to find happiness or satisfaction in anything I do.

Many might say I am depressed. So what. Many people are. We medicate it and then let it go as if it is taken care of. As if that is all that is needed: pop a pill and all is well. I will not medicate the reality of the situation away. I will not deny the truth, no matter how ugly it is. I will not deny the hardships I struggle with and the suffering I feel. Anything else would be a lie.

How's That Working Out For You?

2008-12-13T14:35:00.000-08:00

As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints for all of my life, I have been privy to the “plan.” When you are born, you need to be born in a good home, with loving parents who nurture you and cherish you, and siblings who are kind and helpful. You are given a name and a blessing right away to get you on the right track and protect you. Your family has family home evening on Monday nights and as a family you do scripture and prayer in the mornings and prayer again in the evening. Then you have your personal prayers before you slip safely between the sheets.

You attend Primary every week and learn the wonderful songs and are taught meaningful lessons which strengthen and add to your family home evenings. You are loved and adored as you are introduced to the basics of the gospel and told how much the Lord loves you and Heavenly Father too. You sing about how you are His child and just how special you are to Him. You pay your pennies to the bishop as you learn to pay your tithing and you bare your testimony on Fast Sunday and state how you know the church is true.

At 8 years of age you are excited and prepare to get baptized. You have your interview with the bishop and he finds you are worthy and have a testimony. Your whole family comes to see you washed clean of your sins and bestowed with the gift of the Holy Ghost. It is a joyous occasion and you are welcomed with open arms into your ward as it's newest member.

You soon enter the Young Men/Young Women program and there you find leaders who nurture you further in the gospel. The other members who attend with you understand the unique situation a teenager finds themselves in, trying to withstand peer pressure and temptations in this wicked world, and they help you along the way, through the hardest time of a young persons life.

After 6 years of this beautiful experience, you are finally prepared to go on a mission and serve the Lord. You want to pass along the blessings you have been given. If you are a girl, you enter college and check out the newly returned missionaries for a potential eternal companion, (if you do not already have one you are writing.) In a few years you are sure you have found your mate. The wedding is beautiful and the in-laws adore you and say they could have found no one better for their son or daughter had they spent their whole lives looking.

Nothing less than a temple marriage will do and all the family comes as they are all active members with recommends except the little ones who wait outside dressed in their wedding finery for the pictures to be taken later. It is the beginning of living happily ever after.
College degrees are next in line for the faithful members, both man and woman need them because he must provide and she must prepare for any eventuality. Besides, she is to be the primary teacher to the kids that will be coming soon, so she must be smart and beautiful to pass on the blessings she was raised with. He works hard and gets his degree and soon finds a job and begins to work his way up in his lucrative career, providing a lovely house for his family and the requisite van for all the kids to ride safely. Traveling is important to, to round out the experience of the family, and also sports for the boys and ballet for the girls.

As each new child comes, it too is loved as the parents once were. Cherished and adored and welcomed into the family. Spoiled by the grandparents, who do not live too far away, and are more than helpful when needed. They offer support and helpful advice to the young parents who find it is more than adequate in helping them enter this new and frightening challenge called “parenting.”

The children grow, receiving the same blessing at birth, entering Primary, getting baptized and receiving the Holy Ghost, entering Young Men/Young Women and then going on missions. Coming home valiant examples and finding their mates and marrying in the temple. It is a cycle. Beautiful and full of joy and hope. The ones who were the young ones now pass on their wisdom and watch as their children continue to grow into adults, making proper decisions and being blessed.

Occasionally there were some scary moments where someone got sick or had challenges which were hard to face like job loss or people trying to hurt you. But, fasting and prayer always helped you through these trying times and they were sent to you to help your faith and testimony grow stronger, not to hurt you or make you think you are a bad person and are being punished. As you kneel with your family and plead with the Lord, you know He hears your prayers and you watch as He blesses you and answers your prayers, just like the scriptures say He does. These moments bring the whole family closer together because you are calling on the entire strength they all have and know they are putting your names in the temple on a regular basis. You bare testimony at the end of each ordeal with a lump in your throat about the tender mercies from a loving Father in Heaven.

When you are older, you are called to be bishop or Stake President. Your wisdom and knowledge of the scriptures makes your ward or stake stronger and baptisms increase, bring in new members who feel welcomed and embraced in the arms of the members. You sit back, at the fall of your life, and you know all is well. When you retire, you and your spouse ask to be temple workers because you will soon be going to heaven, but you are unwilling to wait for that beautiful feeling to enter your lives. You want to feel close to the Lord now, so you go all the time. Taking a year or two off for a senior mission with your sweetie, again, giving back because so much has been given.

When you are finally called back home, it is a bittersweet moment as you say good-bye to those you love so much. Yet, deep in your heart lies the knowledge that soon you will all be reunited and in the presence of the Lord.

For me, the “plan” stopped working right after “I was born.” How's it working out for you?

Look In The Mirror

2008-12-08T14:37:00.000-08:00

Look in the mirror. Look carefully. For the person you see is...A Child Of God.

Sometimes I feel smart. I can talk very deeply about some subjects and feel like I have participated in something profound. Then something happens. Usually a small child speaks. And I feel stunned and stupid. In all its beauty, the gospel is very simple.

I am a child of God. Once, many years ago, He tried to show me this. He had me look in a mirror and He showed me what He saw. I could not see anything but how wrong He was about me. That image of who I am never leaves me though. It is there when I doubt who I am and what is possible. It is there, haunting me, when I feel like I am no good and unloved.

So, today, I look in the mirror and see who I really am. The image is new and unfamiliar. I have to adjust many ideas, most which are negative, about myself. But this new image adds strength and power to what is good inside of me.

I see for the first time maybe, my true potential. I have less fear, less anger, and less resentment. I am excited about who I am and where I am going. It is an adventure I look forward to. Who knows what can happen or where I will end up? I am not afraid. For I am a Child Of God.

(This post is dedicated to the memory of my parents.)

Weeping And Wailing And Gnashing Of Teeth

2008-12-04T14:22:00.000-08:00

Hell. Hades. Purgatory. Fire and brimstone. Lake of fire. Pain. Agony. Regret. Remorse. Endless torment. Prison. Cursed. Condemned. Punished. Damned. Whatever you call it, it's not fun.
I do not have to die to get there. I live there now.

Would it matter if I listed all the ways this is so? Not really. I am in a living hell. And sometimes I cry out in pain, “Where are You, God?”

And there is silence.

Somewhere, I know He is real.
Somewhere, I know He cares.
Somewhere, I know He is helping.

But the darkness around me is thick and I cannot see. The doubts screaming in my head are so loud I cannot hear. And tears shed in pain are not wiped away by His loving hands.

My fear is not hell. My fear is that heaven is real. I already know hell. I already know pain. But could I ever face joy and happiness without running and screaming in terror?

My fear is that it might not really matter what I do.

After I dwell in hell for awhile, I remember who rules there. And decide to check out. It is not for me. It is not always easy, but when I do, the light returns.

So, You Want To Marry A Robot....

2008-12-01T23:02:00.000-08:00

I had a conversation the other day with someone I respect and they made an interesting comment about marriage. They were talking about their husband and how right now he is struggling with some health issues. Their husband apologized for not being a very good husband. Before I could even react she said she flatly told her husband that being sick had nothing to do with being a good or bad husband. I got to thinking on this and it stuck. I could not forget it. I thought about all the mixed messages we get about what marriage is. I have begun to think we missed the meaning of marriage and that is the whole reason why we are single. In a word, are we actually able to make and keep those sacred vows to love, honor and cherish, through sickness and health? Even if you do not speak those words or are married in the temple, are they not just as valid, if not even more so because of the covenant entered into between you two and the Lord? I think so.

I began to wonder what a marriage is. I ended up talking to my kids about the nature of “oneness” in a marriage so they can look for the right thing when it is their time. I remember I told them about how the scriptures tell us to become one and that means in mind and purpose like Christ and Heavenly Father are One in those ways. (Let's not debase it by mentioning the physical “oneness” everyone tends to snicker about here.) I asked my kids some questions and one brought up a big discussion. It involved money. YIKES! I told my kids that “oneness” included the bank account. I asked them how you could be one in all ways if you had separate funds. (I did say that some people have situations which require it, but all in all, combined funds unites people.) If you are sooooo scared to pool funds together because of “what might happen”, in my humble opinion, you are not one with your spouse. How can you be? You are keeping the one tool which tangibly unites you like nothing else on this earth. I mean money is the world score card and you are saying that you want your score kept separate from your spouses. I do not consider this a marriage made in heaven.

I also mentioned to my kids how the worlds attitude tended to be along the lines of: If you do not do everything I want you to do perfectly, I am out of here! Now, call me crazy, but that just does not sound like “oneness” to me either. It sounds more like the fair weather friend you cannot rely on when the going gets rough. And this from a spouse, the one you depend on the most? Only a real jerk would have that attitude and think it is okay. Look at the scriptures. They do not say that when it's tough you are off the hook. We only grow when we are tested. Why do we act surprised when hard times come, even in a marriage? What, did you think? They were not human? Would you rather have married a robot who actually did everything you wanted them to do? Think on that for a moment.....

If you married a robot for real, this is just some of what it would be like: At first, it would be blissful. You would get everything you wanted done to you and for you. They would serve you tirelessly. They would not complain because you would not program it into them, thinking that you would only want pleasant conversation. This would last a couple of weeks to months depending on how perceptive you are. Eventually, you would begin to hate them and abuse them. They would become what they are: a machine to you. And because they do not have any sentient thoughts or feelings, you would hate that they looked human but were denying you what you really craved: companionship. The fact that they would do anything you asked or told them to do, would no longer matter. The fact that you grew older and older, while they stayed the same, would matter greatly. If you did not take a hammer to them straight away, but continued on with the charade, you would eventually become bitter or perhaps insane.

The fact is, we thrive on the things that challenge us the most. We grow when we struggle and push and pull against things. It's called exercise. We have to serve others and allow ourselves to be served. I for one just found out that I need to do some exercising of my own in the relationship arena. I need to work out a few of those serving muscles and stretch them and make them stronger. I just found out that I actually like making a man happy by serving him. Wow! Who would have thought that I could be ecstatic seeing someone happy, when it was something I did to bring that joy, and I was not the recipient of it. I was humbled by the one who taught me and hope to do some practicing soon. Maybe this week I will make plans to see what I can do to make them happy and not think about all the things I want for myself. It's a new frontier for me, but I will go where I have never gone before. (Or so it seems.)

I Had A Plan & No One Wants To Marry Me (A 2 Part Series Together)

2008-11-28T14:42:00.000-08:00

I Had A Plan (Part I)

I had a plan. I was young when I made it up. I was going to grow up, get married and climb the “Corporate Ladder.” I was ambitious in my naivety. I was going to have a baby, without much thought about how that happens, how long it takes, how you take care of them or how much work they were. I liked to babysit and I liked my nephews, so I wanted a baby. I was going to have a house too. I remember as a little girl, like maybe 10 years old, I would draw these elaborate pictures over and over again about my future house. It had 85 stories in it. 83 underground. It was easier to heat it and keep it cool that way, plus no one knew all the cool things you had so they did not want to go in your house and steal it all away from you. I had a tennis court, a swimming pool, a ballroom, the works. I never thought about how much it would cost, or even if it could be done. It was what I wanted.

I was also going to live next door to my sister, her house being the same with the underground world too. We planned a glass walkway between our houses so that in any kind of weather we could go to the others any time we wanted.

Our husbands were going to be best friends. And if they did not like us, (the sisters,) then they did not have a chance with us. We loved each other and would never let someone get in the way of our relationship. Our kids would go to school together, all dozen or so of them, and they would grow up best friends too.

Somewhere in there was a hope for the Lord, but a great desire to have Him around constantly came later as I grew and matured and began to understand how wonderful it was when He helped out.

I should tell you that things did not go as planned. Obviously. For starters, I rent and the one-level basement leaks. While I have children, I did not have the 12 planned. I do not speak to my sister any longer for personal reasons I will not disclose and I have never met her husband. Now, before you jump on the fact that I do not speak to my sister, let me tell you that I have good reason to stay away as she has too much influence on me for bad than I like, so I stay away out of protection for myself and my children. So, having said all that, I remember something I heard once:

If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.

I think I had Him rolling on the floor.

As I grew up, life began to take on more reality for me and I began to see things more clearly. Or so I thought. I remember thinking about kissing and marrying every boy I met. No matter how far-fetched it seemed at the time. I was curious about it. Many did not make it passed the instant the idea started to form and some......lingered much longer. I saw boys as being strong and someone I needed to lean on for safety and security and many “let me down.” My life entered a whirlwind which spun to fast for me to think, let alone PLAN!!!

I began, at 16, to worry that no one would ever want to marry me. I thought I was doomed to a life of loneliness. It felt like the worst thing that could ever happen to me.

No One Wants To Marry Me (Part II)

Today, I listened to a talk in Sacrament meeting about adversity. The woman spoke of her daughter and how, while in high school and college, her daughter had those common feelings everyone seems to have that no one will want to marry her. She is now happily married, young and expecting their second child.

I wanted to throw up. Okay, not really, but something vile came up into the back of my throat. I hate how young people who just seem to have everything work out fine for them are held up as the shining examples of overcoming adversity. I hate how I am compared to someone half my age and told how they are coping and managing just fine with their problems and why can't I? I think about how that fear of someone not ever wanting to marry me has become this big dark monster that comes out in the daylight now because he is so strong. I think about how that fear has numbed me to the point that it is no longer a fear: it is a fact.

We go to activities, we try to meet people, and all we do is look ourselves in the mirror and wonder why we are a lone. I am the Lone Ranger. I am a side kick, more like the obligatory poor soul, which no one notices. I think of how many people have told me they think of me when they hear stories of singles and their struggle, but they do nothing for me. Just think of me.

So, I sit at home, feeling sad and lonely because no one wants to marry me.

I have news for you. I know someone out there wants to marry me. I just have not met him yet. I may have come close, or not even close, but SOMEONE exists who would have me as their wife!!!!! This I know in the depths of my heart. My spirit cries out of my self-worth and the wonderful things I have to share with someone. My heart carries within my breast a deep abiding love for SOMEONE!!! I just have not met them yet. I know that if we met, we would enjoy getting to know each other. I know we would have much in common, but enough differences to be interesting. We would both have too much life experience to ever share with each other completely and we would be so happy, we would never stop smiling.

But I have not met him yet.

I have not had the chance because all we ever do is dances, firesides, and temple nights. We are a very boring program.

So, my heart aches, fighting Satan's lie that no one wants to marry me. Some days he wins, some days I win. This was will only end when I finally meet the man who wants to marry me and not one day sooner. I don't know about you, but just thinking about how never ending the situation is, makes me tired.

How To Get Married - The Right Way

2008-11-22T14:40:00.000-08:00

Considering how much we talk about the Middle Singles Program, I wondered if we might offer up some emotional help too. Kind of give a road map or guide on fixing problems besides the Singles Program. I thought about my life. I thought about the times I “fell in love.” I thought about all the times I was disappointed in that love. I thought about how my nephew once asked me how you knew you wanted to marry someone. I thought about how I feel so alone sometimes. I thought about how wonderful it feels to imagine you mean something to someone else. Especially someone who may want to join their life with yours.

I considered that I am pretty much the opposite of an expert on the subject. I have done almost everything conceivably wrong in this matter from calling guys too often, trying to “fix” them, to playing impossible to get. I realized that one of my problems in all of this was in playing games and trying to force someone to feel an emotion I decided I wanted them to feel. I had gone at it entirely wrong.

I remember once we had a snake. It was gross. Once it got out of the cage and slithered down the couch and was stuck. It was a sectional couch and this particular piece was a recliner with many metal moving parts. Not very safe to have a snake in there and just leave it to be dealt with later. We, (when I say “we”, I really mean “they”), tried to pull the snake out. What happened to those of you not familiar with reptiles is it pulled against them and dug in deeper, so to speak. Someone had a great idea. They went to the other side and stuck their hand in at the face of the snake. Not my idea of fun or safe, but it worked because the snake did not like something coming at it directly and it pulled back on it's own. This allowed the snake to be safely removed and put back, securely this time, in it's cage.

This analogy can show something important about us. We too do not like to be pushed and pulled in directions not of our choosing. We desire to be allowed to roam freely and enjoy life. We are not happy with someone shoves something down our throat or pulls on us making demands.

Maybe not everyone acts this way. I doubt it, though. I think it is our nature to be desperate. To attract attention, kind of like little children jumping up and down when mommy is on the phone. It's annoying, and that's why we do it. We imagine that if attention is what we need, then attention is what we get. You see this behavior in many people who constantly act inappropriate in social situations. When you are rejected over and over, a sense of hopelessness overcomes you and you feel like you may as well act anyway you like because being good and proper did not work either. Do not imagine that I only speak of the “clowns” out there. Being a recluse or gigolo are other inappropriate behaviors. Being shy is a form of control, much the was silence is. We are all doing something to get seconds of attention because we are so starved for affection.

So, taking this idea to heart, I wondered what we can do about our bad behavior which would help us, the Middle Singles Program, and others around us. I have an idea.

If we go back to the basics, way back, maybe we could find help. I remember when I was really little in elementary I learned something called “The Golden Rule.” I was fascinated by this. I had to really think about the words or I would get mixed up in saying it because it was not normal English to me, at the time. “Do Unto Others, As You Would Have Others Do Unto You.” Kind of catchy I thought.

Now, taking our basic idea, let's expound upon it. First, we are doing something. Kind of implies a level of responsibility. Kind of implies also that if you are wrong, it could qualify as sin. If I hit you, I am doing something. And it's wrong. Gotta stop.

Second, the idea that I am making a choice. “As” is defined as: to such a degree or extent, similarly, or equally. That means that both have equal importance. Both have equal reasons to be considered. Both matter in this event.

Third, the idea that we want something. We want to be treated like the Children of God that we are. We know we are divine in nature but down here on earth we sometimes, actually more often than not, tend to forget that. But if we only focus on our divine nature, and forget the others, the scale is not in balance and therefore, we are doing it wrong.

The best way to do it is to keep both parties equal in the equation. So, when you disagree, no one has more power, influence, or importance than the other. When you choose something together, no one gets to overrule the other because they do something they think sets them apart or above the other. When you are bound as one, you are equal in the partnership and that is an important key to remember in your relationships. When someone sets themselves above or below the other, there is no more equality and therefore, no more relationship.

But, I am getting ahead of myself. I only wanted to discuss getting to that point really. Consider that a bonus if you like.

So, let's assume you have met someone. They like you, you like them. Things are going okay in the beginning. If you get to this point, do not faint. It is not a lark. If this is someone you want to really be with for eternities to come, the foundation you set in the beginning is the stability you will have in the future. We all know this, but I want to spell things out in a bit different manner.

First off, we all have baggage. Mine is black. Wait. That's my luggage. Same thing, actually. A persons baggage does not matter when it comes to love. Stop. Do not argue with me. Let me explain first. If you like being judged for everything in your past, then you are right. But, if you would like to be forgiven for past mistakes, mishaps, and terrible things done, then listen. We came to this earth to be tried, tested, and pretty much put through the wringer. Do you really think people will not get hurt in the process? Do you really think there is someone over the age of 8 who has never done something that embarrasses them? Do you really think that you are going to find a 40 year old with the body and stamina of an 18 year old? Think again. Get real in your expectations. Stop looking in their baggage and passing judgment and maybe they will leave yours alone. My philosophy is that I am really not interested in someones past relationships for two reasons. One, I am not looking for reasons to end it, so finding out all their complaints is not going to help me, two, well, that's just it. There is only room for two in my relationships, not 25. Keep the past behind you. Let it go. All it does is make you insecure because if they are talking about someone else, bringing up the past, you realize they are thinking about SOMEONE ELSE, NOT YOU, and then you wonder why they start comparing. You started it. So stop it. Before you open your mouth. Let it go.

So, letting go of our insecurities and need to sift through their baggage, we can then move on to something only mature adults can handle. It's called love. You see, only when you stop being selfish in a relationship can you ever really love someone. Only when you put aside your fears can trust grow. Only when you let go of your doubts can security settle over you. Only when you put the past behind you can you move into the future.

And I know how to do this. Well, hypothetically, anyway. I have noticed that everyone seems to have what I call a minefield around them. Things kind of blow up if you get too close. If you start to make someone feel something real and unfamiliar, like love, they kind of panic and retreat. (All sorts of “red flag” items could be listed here.) If you look for this behavior and notice how much it looks like someone dumping you, you might see how many mistakes you have made in the past. When you tell someone you love them and they get up and leave, it's not because they do not love you, it's because they are terrified and are running away. If they really did not like you, they would lie to you and say “ditto” or something trite. Now, the problem here is if they say they love you too. Are they lying or are they sincere? Eek. How to tell? How to tell? Well, first mistake you do not want to make is to tell them they do not. (Learned that one the hard way.) Second, do not ask them if they are sure. (Ditto.) Third, do not ask them why. (I confess: guilty.) What you really do is just let it be. Believe. Soak up the love they offer and stop trying to pick it apart. If you do, you will unravel it and lose it. (Sad, but I learned that one the hard way too.)

Afterwards, you go home and you pray about it. You tell the Lord you need personal revelation on the matter. He can tell you if it is a lie. He can tell you if it is safe. He can tell you if this is something you should pursue. He will listen to your hopes and dreams, your fears and worries, and He, and only He, knows the truth in all things. Many men told me they loved me and they did at the time. But then things happened to change that. This is the next thing I want to address.

Once you are “going” together, boyfriend/girlfriend, you have entered a very vulnerable stage. You are now open to interpretation by your friends who give much unsolicited advice. Many might secretly want you to fail because everyone knows “Two's company, three's a crowd.” Let your friend go if you must. Push them away in the same manner Christ did Peter when he said he did not want Him to die. Satan in there, in your midst always and seeks to keep you alone and miserable. I am very serious about this. What good is a friend who only points out the bad and encourages you to mistrust a love freely given? You do not have to end it altogether, but protect yourself and give them nothing to talk about. Make them wait until you have made up your mind, then tell them what you have decided. You are unsure enough without someone throwing a brick at this tender relationship.

Okay, now to the hard stuff. I have found that this is when things hurt the most. You see, you are now revealing things about yourself “as they really are.” Not because you were lying before, but because now you are letting someone in a bit deeper and that makes you vulnerable. You are open to interpretation and criticism. They can look at you “naked” emotionally and hurt you more now. It is fragile. This is when charity and The Golden Rule are needed most, not least. This is when you turn the other cheek and bite your tongue. Not when you meet someone and hardly know them. That's when you tell someone the truth, but keep it to a minimum. This is when you hold someone's heart in your hands and are responsible for your behavior.

This is when you are in the minefield. This is when you scare them the most. But the good news is, they want you to succeed. They want you to make it through the minefield, to gain all their trust and devotion. We all want to give it. While you are wandering their minefield, they are wandering yours. As their scary bombs are going off, so are yours. People get hurt in minefields.

Never forget that point. Love hurts. At first anyway. You have to tear apart that protective wall they built to get to their heart and it causes both people pain. So, there you are, hurting each other, loving it, right? Well, no. But, enduring to the end is our motto. And think of the honor that is to come if you persevere. Think of the gift of their life if you succeed. Think of how beautiful love is in the end and fight for it. Put down the sword you use to hurt people with like the mean words you say and the selfish attitudes and the pride you carry on your shoulder, and humble yourself and submit to the beating required of you to gain the reward. It is not so uncommon an idea, just maybe never imagined you would have to do it for some guy or girl. Right? Well, if you can do it for Christ, are not His Children good enough then, too?

Remember, I said you had to let go of the pride. This minefield is not really all that hard. All you have to do is put the others needs consciously above your own. All you have to do is commit to them and love them wholly and completely. All you have to do is live the gospel in it's purity and the rewards are there for the taking. I for one blame my stupid mistakes for the ending of many relationships. I never said what was on my mind, then blamed them for not knowing it. They needed to be mind readers. I looked for flaws and found countless ones. Eventually, they felt they could never measure up, and left. I argued and I was silent. I never said what I wanted to do, then I complained about what we did. Okay, guys, I am reformed. These things are in the past. But, there are plenty of things they did which did not help. They did not call often enough. They forgot to tend to the emotional side of things. They forgot to be cute and sweet. They forgot to be respectful after the first few minutes. They forgot to tell me it was over and I had to stew and fuss for weeks before I figured it out.

Both sides are guilty of bad behavior. That's why you are single. I want firesides which point out all the mistakes we make so we can correct them. Not some fire and brimstone, beat up one side then the other. I want a real solution and honesty about the problem. I want to understand why people do what they do. I want to understand what I can do to make myself better in a relationship. Apparently I do not know. Apparently, neither do you. Or you would be married and so would I. I want workshops where I safely practice my skills. I want game nights where I can feel safe and explore new ideas and look for clues and get smarter about dating. I am tired of dance after dance where all we do is grope in the dark and have a pseudo sexual experience, then go home empty and alone.

Yes, I said sexual experience. What do you think dancing is? It is provocative and inviting. It is showing how your body moves to rhythm. You are giving clues and hints as to how suitable you would be as a mate. Granted, some do this “dance” better than others, that's why it is so unfair to make it the only way we are allowed as member of the Church to meet and mingle and pick our future companion.

Much is needed by way of a reformation in the Middle Singles Program. And, it will not happen unless you make it happen. Until that time, probably not until the latter half of the millennium perhaps, you are on your own. So, study up on human nature. Find out why guys and girls behave the way they do. Before you go grabbing books off the rack and surf the Internet, may I suggest a better avenue in finding your answers. It's called prayer. And scripture study. Only through the Spirit are you going to be able to know what one person is thinking. Yes, you can find generalities everywhere. We call them stereotypes. They are prejudicial and judgmental. I would steer clear of them. I would go right to the source. I would go to the head Man and ask Him what He thinks, then act accordingly. If you do this, you will have fewer mistakes and less grief in your life. To each his own they say, so also, leave everyone else's relationships alone and do not comment so much. You see, you probably do not know as much as you think you do. And if you are right, prayer is good then too. The Spirit gives all sorts of direction and when we come from a place of love, we are heard more often because we are not attacking or forcing our will on someone else. I pray that each of us will find someone who we can be willing to go through the fiery furnace for. Then actually do it.

I Need To Be Needed

2008-11-16T15:34:00.000-08:00

Service is a good thing to do in our lives. It uplifts those who are down, plus we get an added boost ourselves as we see others smile or feel relief. We can even find we are greatful seeing what others must go through and how much we are often spared in our lives. Service helps us look at things in a less selfish manner as we put others needs ahead of our own. I like being around people and serving them because I all ways seem to feel like I come out ahead, rather than the other way around. I like to call someone to cheer them up and leave feeling cheered up. I like to go help someone and leave feeling helped. It is truly amazing to see how time and time again, no matter how many times I check it out, it just seems to all ways work this way. I seem to gain more than I give. It does not make sense. It's magical. I know it could be explained and there is some logical sense to it that only the Lord fully understands, and I will just have to wait until I get that knowledge. But I still like playing around with it and seeing the miracle happen.

Lately, I have been thinking about how we need to be loved. It is as important as being fed or sheltered. Without it we die. Putting this with service, I began to think that maybe we have missed out on something important in regards to serving others. Let me try to explain this new and seemingly complicated idea I am having.

It comes down to this: I need someone to need me. Specifically, to need to serve me, to need to love me, to need to help me. I need someone who thinks about ways they can help me and make things better for me. Traditionally, when I would imagine someone needing me, I thought of various chores I could perform for them and called it service. You know, take dinner over to them, move clothes through, vaccum, wash dishes. Even visiting someone is something I can do for them. But then I realized this could be seen as ME needing to serve THEM, not them needing to be served. In other words, being needed could actually mean that someone needs to love and serve me, and I need to be there for them to do that.

Bare with me as I try to go farther with this. In a relationship, we know that we need to love and care for each other and that if we do not value the other person, the relationship will fail. So, with this new way of looking at needing someone, I need someone to need to love me, to care for me and to watch me grow into the daughter of God I was meant to be. I need someone who puts me first in their life, because it makes them feel better to do so, and they get a little boost doing it. I need someone who takes a scary step in the relationship because they need me to do the same and they are willing to do it first, rather than sit back with fear and pride and blame me for not knowing their needs. I need someone who needs to live the gospel so they use me as the means of doing it. I need someone who needs to serve another of God's children and I get to be the lucky one they do it with.

I need someone to call me on the phone and say they just needed to hear my voice. I need someone to come visit me because they needed to see me. I need someone to do something for me because they needed to show their love for me. I need someone to look at service in a new way and need to need me. Because that way, the spirit can enter in and work miracles.

My Lamp And Oil

2008-11-11T23:15:00.000-08:00

I sit here thinking. I am sad. I cannot fake it as much as I used to be able to. I think of the gospel and what I have been taught. I recall a talk not too long ago, I think it was in General Conference, but I am not sure exactly. In this talk it was said that every sin I commit today is another drop of blood Christ had to shed for me so long ago. At first, I thought about this and everytime I did something wrong, my thoughts went dramatically to another red spash on the ground, mixing with the ones prior, all because of my wickedness.

I think of those drops now. Along with the drops I am to put inside my lamp. Bit by bit, I am to build my testimony, live righteously and gain knowledge and understanding. Yet, day by day, those red drops keep falling, seemingly faster than I can fill my lamp. I cannot keep pace with them. The harder I try, the more I seem to fail.

I wonder how many hopes and dreams, now dried up, He had to pay for? I wonder if my savior thought of me, as I am right now, as He bled? I wonder if He thought about the LDS Middle Singles Program as those precious drops fell? I wonder how many dances are in that puddle at His feet? How many? I wonder.

I think of the alarming news we hear about, yet one piece of news is not mentioned, though it is most alarming to me. The singles represent the largest "group" in the Church, yet they are the smallest number in attendance. Why is that? Because they do not go to church. It's easy to figure that one out. Many will say it is for foolish reasons, the most insulting, yet most common, is that they did not have a strong enough testimony.

I recall a story from my youth. In it a young boy asked his grandma why she went to church every week even though she knew so much about the gospel all ready. The wise old grandma told the boy to take a pail and fill it with water and bring it to her. As he did, the water seeped out of holes rusted through on the bottom. By the time he got the bucket to her, it was empty. She told him that this bucket represented her spirit each week at church. She went to fill it up, and as the days passed, it became empty, and she had to go back to fill it back up again.

Sometimes I go to church and my bucket is not filled.

Sometimes I go to a singles activity and feel like someone busted out the bottom of my bucket.

Sometimes I go to bed at night, unable to sleep because of the pain in my heart.

I have holes in my lamp. That vessil meant to keep my testimony safe and secure, is leaking. If I spend time patching it up, then I am not filling it. If I try to fill it, then the holes just seem to get bigger and it leaks faster. I really wish there was a "do-over" button in life.

Waiting In Line For A Miracle

2008-11-06T14:29:00.000-08:00

I watch as others around me have answers to their prayers. The big ones I mean. The miracles we tell over and over as faith building examples.

These do not build faith for me. They make me sad and depressed and lonely. I feel...forgotten. Forgotten by everyone. Especially Heavenly Father.

Today He showed me that I am not forgotten. He sent a messenger to explain something I had forgotten. That is, the time it takes for a miracle to happen.

Let's go back to 3 Nephi. Christ has the power to bless everyone all at once. He has the power to heal everyone all at once. But He chose to bless and heal the people one at a time. It was not meant to be a showing off of His mightiness, but a tender moment of love between two individuals.

He asked for the children to be brought to Him. And then he blessed them. One at a time. Someone was first. Someone else was last. But each was known by name and loved and blessed equally. I am in line. Waiting for my miracle to still come.

I can see Him. He is not too far away from me right now. And when the person in front of me is finished, I will hear Him call out my name, as He extends His hand out to me in love. Then it will be my turn to be blessed. Then it will be my turn to bask in His love. Then it will be my turn to be healed form my wounds.

I will shed tears of joy and the time spent waiting will be as nothing. That is the miracle of Christ and His infinite atonement. Amazing.

The Dance. (Or Was It?)

2008-11-01T23:17:00.000-07:00

My daughter went to a dance for the Young Men/Young Women the other night. She came home and was telling me about it when I interrupted and asked for clarification. I asked how many times she was asked to dance. Once. And it was the last dance by a non-member. I joked and told her she was well on her way to knowing how it would be at a Singles Dance when she grew up: Getting dressed up pretty, spending your time “listening” to the music, hanging out with your “girl” friends. Not getting asked to dance. Not spending time getting to know how to act in any normal way with a boy at all. Not telling jokes and making someone of the opposite sex laughing so you may gain confidence in your ability to attract.

I was devastated.

I have wondered how we came to be at this point; in our world, in our church. I remember my mother telling me stories about how much fun it was to go dancing and roller skating and how guys asked her to dance all the time and she flirted like mad with them. She was beautiful and she felt it. I guess you could say that sometime in the 60's, (probably in direct correlation to the “women's movement”,) it all fell apart. Women wanted to be treated as equals, (not the same,) but somehow it all became warped. Now we must reap the limited harvest of such events.

This is a touchy subject. So what. It's not like I leave anything alone, do I? I am not against the movement and I am not thinking women need to be put in their place. Quite the contrary. I believe that the eternal roles of man and woman need to be learned here on earth. In fact, the same daughter who went to the dance asked me what our Mother in Heaven's role was. Such deep thought from someone so young should not astonish us. I was unable to give her a clear answer, but she summed it up herself and said, “She loves and teaches us.” Such simple words for such profound subject matter.

Too often, in general, we as Children of God give up too easily and put up with too much. The adage: “how much crap you put up with is exactly how much you will get” is profound. It involves great anger, indignation and tough words. However, the opposite which involves being cowed, brow-beaten, demeaned and made fun of is equally profound and requires consideration. Neither tells the whole story, you see. Both are one-sided and highly prejudicial. Neither involves love and forgiveness. Neither is meek and submissive or long-suffering. Neither gets to the real problem which is that we all have pain in our hearts which hurts us all the time and needs to be healed. Neither attitude gets you more friends. You may say being cowed is being meek, but it is not. Meekness is strength in character and has integrity. Being brow-beaten is not submissive, it is abuse. We constantly accept fake pearls for the real thing.

Back to the dance. I will let my daughter go to these simple dances and let her see for herself just how correct I am in my opinion of them. She must learn for herself that there is little out there for members of the church in regards to our eternal progression. (By that I mean getting married.) She will learn for herself that issues are never addressed. Problems never fixed. Boys and girls always hide out in the corner or only dance with the “model” people. If you speak out against the system, you are brow-beaten into submission. And finally, if you want to get married, there most certainly has to be a better way to do it than going to a Singles dance on Friday night. Amen!

Love

2008-10-27T15:10:00.000-07:00

I love men. I love them when they are trying to be macho and slip and fall, then get up and act like it was meant to turn out that way. I love how they come up when you are struggling with fixing something and get involved, the pipes break, and water spews everywhere and it's all much worse now. I love how they laugh and slap each other on the back very hard, then do it again harder like it's now a contest to see who can hit the hardest.
I love how they will not ask for directions because they just cannot be wrong in front of a woman. I love how they open the door for you, even though you are completely capable of opening it yourself. I love how excited they get when they find out they are going to be a daddy, hiding the tears in their eyes because they have such profound love deep inside it just squeezes out. I love how they pay for dinner and buy flowers and chocolates, then silently pray you will not eat them because they really want you to stay skinny. I love how they lay around on Saturday, watching sports on tv, yelling at their team and cheering like this is a life altering event. I love how they kiss, how they hold me tight and make me feel safe.

I love watching men work.
They are focused, determined and quite efficient sometimes. I like watching a group of men work. It's all that above times ten. I love listening to them keep the distance from each other, yet knowing the score and when to step in and do something. I love it when they hurt and stand stoically by as someone else gets to cry. I love how they do not wish to disappoint people and silently take a beating because someone is depending on them. I love how they have big strong arms that can move large objects around again, and again, and again, until it is just right, never complaining because it will make you happy. I love how they will get angry and then not know how to say sorry because they love you too much and they wonder why on earth you are still there with them.

I love men who dig in the dirt, who are computer geeks, and owners of companies.
They are God's in training. They are about the be in charge of creating worlds and making sure everything runs smoothly and on time, without any kind of dress rehearsal available. I imagine a potential God, putting his head together with some buddies, shuffling through pages and pages of diagrams, ideas, and models, trying to come up with the perfect plan on how to do this. I can see them, finally, getting things going and the half-hugs as things work out right, and the cheers and words of congratulations. I can imagine how gratifying it will be for them to be in that moment.

And then I see his wife walking up, interrupting the moment. Suddenly no one else matters but her.
She is his life. His purpose. His everything. She is why he works so hard to make things so perfect. She is why he struggles and thinks so hard about what he needs to do. She is his ultimate goal and meaning in life. When she looks out over his new creation, he needs her approval. He needs her joy and appreciation. He needs her to say, “Well done.” Nothing any guy could say will ever compare to those simple words from his eternal companion. If she complains, points out imperfections, or lists the things not yet done, she has broken something deep inside of him which is most tender. And now all joy is gone for him.

There is no shame in seeing what is good in another person. I for one and grateful to the men in my life who do so much for me. It is probably imperfect, but so is my cooking and cleaning sometimes. My dear fellows, I love you, I admire you, I respect you. You should stand up and take a bow. You deserve a standing ovation for your labors. I truly love men. And it makes me a greater woman to be able to admit it.

Emotional Oxymoron

2008-10-22T09:35:00.000-07:00

Love is not something you take. You give it. Love is not something you seek. You find it. Love is not something you can live without. You will die.

Ever noticed how when someone is not being loved they kind of lose it. It's in many movies. I just watched one where a boy is on a team and his father is the coach. But the father favors another player over his son. The next thing you know, this son is destroying everyone around him. It's because he seeks his fathers love, but cannot make his father love him. It's crazy how that works.

In any relationship when you want someone to love you, and they do not, you act in a manner you would not naturally. I recently read that if someone commits suicide it is because they have lost all hope and see no other way out of whatever they are struggling with. Made sense to me. I have had those thoughts from time to time, as I am sure many of you have too. I think it is a natural thing to think, kind of like the idea that this life is really just someone having a dream or something like that. It is just a coping thing we do I think.

So, when we are starving for love, we act weird. Let's face it. But when we are around someone starving, we do not feed them because they are embarassing. You know what I mean. Ever paid attention to someone you were just trying to be nice to for a minute and then they would not let you go until you had to be mean? Well, there is a reason for that. They are ravenous and crazy with it. Somehow, somewhere, they were cut off from a steady supply of love and they are emaciated from it emotionally. It is an ugly sight to see and we tend to run from it because it scares us.

The Mormon Middle Singles Program is full of these people. They have dark circles under their eyes. Dead eyes look out over those dark circles, right above fake smiles. The "Program" keeps feeding them cardboard paper cutout pictures of love with air to drink. Cottonballs are the ice cream dessert. This is neither fulfilling nor is it healthy. Many people will defend the "Program" and I feel sorry for them because they have eaten so much cardboard they think it is manna from heaven because it comes from "above".

Wake up. Smell the coffee, the roses, or the crap on the bottom of your shoe, but wake up. It's Fall and the Holidays are here. You are alone or probably in some pseudo relationship being torn apart by so many things going against you the only chance you have is if we go back to arranged marriages. I recall all my past romances and there was something missing from each and every one of them: ME! I was not involved because I had the wrong idea about what I wanted and how I was supposed to feel and what I was supposed to do. Stop getting advice from people who are clueless or worldly. Get it from the best place. All good things come from the Lord, so ask Him. Then get out of the way when needed or get down and dirty to bring your own happiness to pass.

We each have our agency. We are told that the only thing we have to give the Lord is our will. Well, the only thing we have to give each other is our love. It is a gift. From me to you. From you to me. Sometimes it is above and beyond anything else in life and it brings such joy you hang onto it for an eternity or longer. Do not belittle what the Lord created by stuffing it in a box and trying to make it look like what someone else has. That is denying what is unique about yourself and the other person in your relationship.

Why am I giving advice? Because I am tired of all the soap opera drama that goes on in the Middle Singles Program. I am tired of watching people flinch from anything real because they do not know what real is. Real is something that stays with you for longer than a moment. Real is something that you talk about for years. Real is reliving it and wanting to go back to it. A real activity would have interraction and laughter. A hike on a Saturday morning would do. A co-ed flag football game would do. I want something other than a recycled dance and firesides which do not help me in any other way than to expound my spiritual knowledge of the gospel. I have had enough of that. I want to be alive at a Middle Singles Activity, not feel like a robot. The dance has become the "Johnny One Note" because it's the only thing going. A game night at some one's house with 20 people would be more alive and real than 5,000 dances.

I am tired of watching the Lord's elect be deceived by the adversary and not even know it. Fight back. Remember, we are on the winning team. Act like it.

The Wall

2008-10-17T09:17:00.000-07:00

I saw the wall he had built around himself to keep the pain out. I saw how high it was and how thick. It had been built over a lifetime from the pain of rejection and sorrow that comes from living. I saw how beautiful it was. The masonry was perfect. It's seams flawless. No hand holds, no way to grip it and climb over easily. It had to be torn down to get through.

So I tried. I bloodied myself as I beat against it. I was strong. I knew his pain so I persevered. I bashed myself against it, taking each beating in stride as I watched cracks appear every now and then. I ignored the pain in my shoulders, my back and the blood on my hands. I tore at it, I ripped at the stones as they slowly came loose.

I wondered if I had enough strength in me to do this task. I worried that I was not good enough to win his love. I knew he needed me. I knew he needed someone to just love him enough so he could be free of the wall he had built around himself. I knew he needed someone to rescue him from his despair. So I clawed at the wall before me.

I had seen his beauty. I had seen his goodness. I wanted to set it free so he could soar high and live freely. I needed to do this thing because that is what we do; we help others in need. I was trying to help those who were less fortunate than I was. I was trying to do the impossible. And I was amazed with each piece of the wall that came down. It was so large. Larger than I ever believed. Thicker than I ever thought possible.

But I kept at it. I kept digging and pulling and shredding until, finally, I realized the wall was not his, but mine.

Just a Reminder

2008-10-14T11:50:00.000-07:00

In my part of the world, in my region, we seem to have a bit of a problem that I truly feel I should share with you. Supposedly many of the single women in our region like to get together and talk about the men, as well as some of the other women. They like to talk alot, it appears. Sometimes it is jealously, other times is seems to be just "something to talk about."

Many of the local men have figured it out and are afraid to date these women for fear of being talked about. It is not a ridiculous fear. Let's face it. Most relationships do not end in marriage, but they often end with both parties knowing very personal

information about each other. And who wants to risk getting their personal lives plastered to the wall, as it were?

There may be men who are partially responsible for this as well, but is appears to primarily be a female activity. There are even men who have expressed the fact that they no longer want to date Mormon women for this reason. Can you blame them?

This dynamic seems to happen so often in large groups that it may appear to be acceptable and normal for Single Mormons to do the same. And even if it is unacceptable, it may appear inevitable and that there is nothing that can be done about it... so it therefore becomes acceptable on those terms. If so, then I ask you: Are entire generations of people who do not get married is also acceptable? Can we as adults in the Church of Jesus Christ afford to be so willfully ignorant as to let ourselves believe that this behavior is acceptable or inevitable? I think not. Instead, let us keep as secret by keeping a secret (not by telling one person while telling them that it is a secret.) Let us realize that everyone has baggage, just by the virtue of living, and that married people are just as prone to having problems as singles are (except that they often can keep their problems and personal weaknesses under wraps.) Let us be Christlike in this aspect and give everyone, including ourselves, a running chance at finding happiness in this lifetime.

I mean really, after all the trials we all experience in this life, do we really need this issue to add to it? Until we fix this problem, we all are at risk, and no one is safe. And it is not the office that knows too much about us, or the extended family. It's the region, as in potentially all the singles in the city that you live. So, is it a problem, or is it a problem? I assure you that is indeed a problem. Your's, mine, everyone's.

It's All About the Fun and Laughter

2008-10-13T14:37:00.000-07:00

Don't let them tell you different.

Fun and laughter. That's what I am talking about. Genuine fun. Genuine laughter. The kind of fun that gets you to laughing, alot...along with someone else. Isn't this the stuff that makes people, dare I say, sexy... to themselves and others? Isn't this the atmosphere that gets phone numbers exchanged in the hopes of a similar evening the the near future?

I assure you, this is what the LDS Singles need like their next breath of air. This is why game nights in people's homes with small groups of less than 30 people really works. Not dances. Not game nights in a gym with the entire region. Not firesides. Not conferences. Just a simple activity that has worked for us our whole lives. Just relaxed, genuine fun and laughter that allows you and me to be ourselves.

I guess there is something about unfaked fun and real laughter that just sends the fear in the dating process out the window, and let's you be you, and me be me. Along with the rest of us.

Can you have fun without laughter, or the other way around? Sure. But when people get together, if given the chance to create fun, can give and receive both fun and laughter. And it's so great when it happens. Everyone remembers it. Everyone wishes for more in the future. The fact is, we yearn for it. It is quite possibly the main thing that is missing in the lives of singles today. No? (Again, I am not talking about cynical fun and laughter at some one's genuine expense. Rather, I am discussing the genuine childlike fun and laughter that just strikes up during an evening of having a truly good time.)

The games. You know them. Balderdash, Pictionary, Cranium, Scatagories, Exquisite Corpse, Trivial Pursuit. Even Twister. There are others. Isn't it time we figure out that in the pursuit of finding a good Singles activity, games can truly be our friends? And while we are discussing which activities work, why are dances the standard for Church activities? Isn't it time to give game nights their due, and just give them a chance?

Maybe you think that we the writers of this weblog harp on dances too much, while touting game nights as some Singles program panacea. If so, I only have one question for you: How are those dances working out for you? All I can say is, don't knock game-nights until you have tried them. And don't invite 50 or more people! Invite 20 or 30. It's the difference between a party and a crowd.

Monotony X Tedium ÷ Apathy = FUN!

2008-10-12T22:00:00.000-07:00

This is a true story told to me by a friend. The names have been changed to protect the stupid.

My friend went to a party recently. Guess what? Right! It was a Middle Singles Program Party. (Keep reading, it gets better.) This party was touted as being a GREAT EVENT! Tons of fun! Come join and bring a friend! Well, you get the picture. (I bet you've listened to the recording before.) So, my friend went to this wonderful event. And came home depressed. Let down. Dejected. Utterly confused and even angry.

Why? Well, let me tell you what happened. Let's call my friend Sam. Sam told me that the party was at some one's house; in fact, that is the reason he went(he hates gymnasiums.) He knew over 100 people had been invited so he went an hour late in the hopes some of the early bird would find it stupid and leave early so there would be a reasonable number of people there to interact with by the time he got there. First thing he told me was that there was dancing. I could not believe it. Do Mormons know how to do ANYTHING but dancing at an activity? I could not believe it. I know, I said that all ready, but I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT!!! Anyway, Sam said it was a live band too and they were loud and not very good. I can forgive the band for not having talent, but not the activity directors for having DANCING at some one's HOUSE as an ACTIVITY!!!! I CAN NOT BELIE...ok, I'll stop.

Sam found Karaoke downstairs. Wow. This was the entire list of "Fabulous Activities!", "Great Fun!" and he sure wished he had "Brought A Friend." Not because he wanted to share, but so he would not feel so alone. With all that noise going on in your ears, how on earth are you supposed to have a conversation with someone? ESP? You were supposed to bring your own game to this shin-dig, and he had come with one in hand. He was downstairs trying to get two girls to play a game. A simple board game, mind you. And they were not sure they wanted to do that. Let me repeat that: THEY WERE NOT SURE IF THEY WANTED TO PLAY A SIMPLE BOARD GAME!! The music must have been using up too much brainpower, so they had nothing to spare for a simple game. Maybe all that head-bobbing shook things loose and they were not functioning?

Now, the worst part is still to come. After Sam used his usual powers of persuasion, he was eventually getting close to what one might call success in convincing these two girls that a game would actually be some fun to play. (I guess they missed those commercials a few years ago which promoted game nights with your family and how good they were at bringing people together.) When another gentleman, we shall call him George, comes up and starts arguing about the merits of a REAL game and starts talking up the dance upstairs.

Sidebar: Upstairs. One "Hot" guy is up there dancing with like, 7 girls at the same time. I think George, though a "geek", was hoping to be able to hone in on the action and take some for himself. Just a guess.

(Into the present tense.) George is unbelievably successful in convincing these two girls to go upstairs for the dance. George may look smart with those glasses, but he is pretty dumb. Think about it for a minute. 2 Guys. 2 Girls. He has been panting after one of them for an hour, following her like a puppy dog, and he passed up the opportunity to sit down, next to her and play a game that required INTERACTION by design... for dancing. I want to say some pretty bad words right now at his stupidity. I want to bash his head against something hard until sense is knocked back into place and he stops being his own worst enemy. And Sam's.

Why did George do this? Well, my friend thinks it was a "pissing contest" of sorts. Two guys are offering themselves up and the girls have to "choose." I can understand that dynamic of it. But, you guys gotta start to THINK!!! The "hot" guy upstairs was not going to "lose" any pissing contest. Once they went upstairs, the girls left "geeky" George and joined in with the pack all ready dancing with "hotty". That's his name now. Hotty. I wanna go upstairs and dance with him all of a sudden. Bet he's got some number system set up. I'd only have to wait an hour or so.

(Back to past tense.) I wonder, if George knew what happened. I doubt it. He was (is) too plugged into the system, too programmed into doing things a certain way that he did it automatically. I bet George went home very lonely and depressed, just like Sam did. And while Sam understood why, George did not. He just felt worse and will likely feel wors-er the next time he is stupid...and not wiser for it. That's what I said: No wiser for it. Could he be a microcosm for the program itself?

Now, let's go back to the pissing contest? Why? For one thing, George was insecure. He was following this girl and could not get her attention. He butted in on someone else's conversation, which is RUDE! and then dropped the ball. George had (has) no idea how to have fun. George had (has) no idea how to talk to girls. George had (has) no idea what a good time feels like because he had (has) been in the Mormon Middle Singles Program for much too long.

The sad part of this whole thing is that in the end, no one "won." Everyone lost. Sam because he left. He met no one. He lost the time spent at the activity and left feeling worse than when he had gone. Sam regretted going.

George lost because in the end, he lost whatever respect he may have won in winning over Sam, when he lost to Hotty upstairs. (We never forget someone we dump for someone else...and that is a label hard to live down: "Dumped.". George will have an even harder time next time because we just seem to be able to smell "loser.".

Hotty lost because there were too many girls circling around him. (and don't underestimate the truth of this.) He could not focus on just one and talk to her, get to know her. Maybe set up a date. He was only able to be an idol to them, so his idea of who he is and what he is supposed to do in a healthy relationship gets all twisted and misshapen. Inflated ego problems will probably surface if not all ready be showing. How could they not? Then he gets a label of his own.The girls lost. All of them. The men are so busy with their "pissing" contests and the fact that no one is thinking of men as people. The men are sees as wanting only commodities. Hit the girl on the head and drag her off after the battle is won. No matter what she thinks, likes or wants. No matter that she has feelings or wishes. Both sexes are victims of objectification, and both perpetuate it. But you have to wonder, is this less or more apt to happen when the sexes are actually able to speak to each other, as opposed to just dancing all night? I think the answer that this is painfully obvious, even to the casual observer.

Finally, the host lost. They do not even know about the whole thing that happened. They think it was a great party and will probably plan another one "next year." But it was nothing but a big flop. No one met anyone. No one did anything real. No one left uplifted and with more hope than they came with. No one laughed so hard they cried or almost peed their pants. No one left so late that they were sleepy the next day. No one talked about the fun they had, only their disappointments. No one will get married as a direct result of this party. No one will tell their less active friends or non-member friends about it and tell them it was such a good time they really should come to the next one. First, because it was not fun. Second, because it will not be happening again very soon. No one will go home, and while praying, pour out their gratitude to their Father in Heaven because of the wonderful programs we have in our Church and how blessed we are to be a part of them.

I feel like I lost something because of this party too. And I didn't even go.

The World Ends With a Whimper II

2008-10-09T09:44:00.000-07:00

This is a continuation of the first "The World Ends With a Whimper" written two days prior.

So, what happens on the grander scale when over-sexualization becomes the mainstay, the norm, the modis for human communication? Well, initially (as was discussed in the previous post) the world gets to be a harsher, more emotionally isolated place to be.

But what next? This is just a guess, but here goes: People end up becoming more prone to falling for government promises to make everything better from "goodwill toward men" to "a chicken in every pot" to "I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony." Great ideas. They are very noble in and of themselves for any and each person to aspire to. But from the government? I mean truly, can the government ever replace the

responsibility for human kindness that is the God-given responsibility of every person on the planet?

But it makes for good campaign speeches by politicians with other motives. And like sheep, so many good and sweet folk flock to the sound of promises of panacea.

Does this seem like anything like what we are witnessing today? I could wax quite political at this point...since it is election season, and the American consciousness seems to be split in two inconsolable halves.

But I won't.

What I will do is ask you, dear reader, a question that I myself cannot yet solidly answer, other than with what I believe to the the simple truth of "No Jesus, no peace. Know Jesus, know peace." What else can we do? What do we do about the fruits of oversexualization have taken hold (anger, apathy, greed, etc...?) What now? Do we simply sit and wait for the Second Coming and raise the white flag, or do we live in a way that strives retain a more pure and innocent corner of the world for others to discover and follow? Do we try to convince our non-member friends of the value of not subscribing to on-line porn or the softer porn of popular culture? Do we eschew the mass anger and cynicism that can be found everywhere (even in ourselves?) Besides us just turning it all off, is there more that we can do? If there is, I am ready to do it.

If You Read Nothing Else on this Blog, Read This, Redux

2008-10-08T15:05:00.000-07:00

Yes this is a repeat, but a very important one, we feel. But no other post is. So please read on...and if you have already read this one, just skip this one and go to the next one. :)

In our opinion, there are four different elements to a Singles activity that all Singles need in order for them to meet new potential dates. They are as follows:1) The number of people present need to be few enough for the possibility of good conversation to occur freely and consistently.2) Each activity needs to provide new faces as well as familiar faces. In other words, each person going to the activity needs to be able to meet new people, while also having familiar faces to turn to (i.e. "wing-man," or "wing-woman.") 3) All people at the activity need to have something legitimately fun to do, so that everyone has something to talk about besides the typical small talk so common in the "bar scene."In our mutual experience, we have found that these three elements, along with a good attitude, decide to a great degree whether an activity is a success or a failure. Having said that, we have also come to the conclusion that "Game Nights" at some one's home is the quickest, cheapest way to fulfill all of these squares.
Here is how it is done: First, get a house to use. This can be home of one of the singles in your stake, or the home of a willing married family in your stake.
Second, decide who you are going to invite. In order to insure that new people will be present at each of these Game Nights, it is imperative to constantly invite new people. We have found that the best way to do this is to invite the members of your own stake, and those of one other stake within thirty miles of the party. For the next party after that, invite another stake. This can be trickier than it seems. We are assuming that the creators of the Game Night are not Singles Representatives (after all, they have to get permission from several camps in order to put on such an event.) But as a regular single, YOU

don't. But what you do have to do is get the telephone numbers of the singles in whatever stake you are interested in inviting. (We suggest using the telephone and/or snailmail rather than email in order to keep other non-invited singles from showing up in large numbers.) So encourage those who you contact to not go out and invite everyone they know to the event because you only want less than thirty or so people to come to the Game Night. We repeat, you do not want more than thirty people or so at any Game Night. Any more than that, and it becomes a crowd (just like most other unsuccessful activities we have all been to...too many people milling around a room looking at each other all night usually making forgetful, un-fun smalltalk.)
Third, make it cheap and fun by encouraging the guests to bring food and games. And have a great party. We believe you will. We have seen it over and over in our experience, and it consistently works.
Fourth, do it again every month or two with a different stake each time.
Oh, a few other tips for success at the party. 1) Do not have loud music at the party! This means no karaoke machines. Movies are not recommended either. Both serve

as conversation inhibitors. Remember, people really want to talk to each other and have good conversation more than just about anything else you can provide them. 2) If it is kid-friendly, have a room set up for the kids with games, video games, etc.... 3) Let the party go late, if it wants to. Just make sure that the Spirit does not leave. 4)When you plan the party, try to not have it on the same night that some big Singles event is happening. However, don't feel that you have to have your party only on a night that nothing else is happening in the region. (Remember, YOU are what is happening in the region!) 5) For every ten people, there needs to be a separate game provided in a separate room. This means, that you may have two or three games going on at the same time (one in the living room, one in the dining room, and one in the garage, for instance.) 6) After the party, tell all of your friends about it, along with the template that we are describing here.
So, why do we want you to read this post so much? Because we believe that if the singles of the LDS Church make this the standard format for what an activity is (rather than dances, volleyball, Firesides, etc...) then we all have a chance to get
what we want out of activities (a phone number, a date, a friend, and eventually maybe even a spouse.) We believe the reason why so many do not achieve those things from typical activities is that there is usually little opportunity to HAVE ENOUGH LEGITIMATE FUN with a person to ever feel comfortable enough to ask for that phone number. Think about it. If a person cannot figure out if he/she likes a person enough to have a conversation with them, why would they want to put themselves though an entire evening...and all other anticipations a date

can create in someone. In other words, that is what initial conversations are ALL ABOUT, and always have been for that matter. A conversation is a prelude to more, but only if you want more. But how do you know one way or the other when you are in a room of 100 or more people, with the lights low, and the music blaring? Or how do you do that when every small activity you go to consists of the same people you see at every other activity (sometimes the same people you see at Church on Sunday?)
As a last thought, imagine meeting some of these new acquaintances at a dance or Fireside in the near future. You will likely have much better odds of good conversation beyond "great cookies...and punch!"

"The World Ends With a Whimper"

2008-10-08T09:24:00.001-07:00

Have you ever wondered why the Church often alludes to the idea that, throughout history, nations and societies who were highly sexualized tended to decline and, for lack of a better word, implode?
There is good reason for this, in my opinion. Consider this: When a society reaches the point that every kind gesture between the sexes is understood as sexual in nature, then interaction is pared down to either acceptance or rejection on sexual terms. In other words, there is no chance for genuine charity and Christlike love, even if that is all that is being offered. So, when a person does reach out in charity and goodwill, he or she is rejected or accepted on sexual terms only. He or she is completely misunderstood, and the rejection is far deeper than a sexual rejection. In essesnce, it is his or her true goodness that is rejected, their very being and good essence, their soul. And what happens to a person who has had one too many such rejections? Do they get mean, apathetic, cynical, or hateful? All of the above?

The next question is how does a society become over-sexualized? Well, I have only a limited idea about past dispensations, but I do know that when television/Hollywood accentuate and highlight such sexual interaction as being the only legitimate way in which men and women communicate, then we are not onlywell on our way, but waist-deep in a hollow mire. The final result can be predicted.
And that is only the beginning. Here is the next chapter of the story: Men get angry at women, and women, men. Men get angry at those jerkey men who are largely to blame for men's sexual reputation (which all men pay for), and women get angry at women for being, well, bitchey (which all women pay for.) So, we have a pissed off, over-sexualized world which can't easily figure out what has gone wrong. And when charity and legitimate goodwill are gone (Christian or otherwise), what is there left but anger, power, greed, and cynicism?
The prophets have told us to not read, view, or say things that accentuate immorality. (And many of us thought that they were somehow only half-serious. But I assure you, they were not.) Consider the famous Wiemar Republic of 1920's Germany. They were so sexualized that at one point some otherwise forgettable scientist created a "spanking machine" for kids to spank each other with... while a practiioner looked on to "scientifically" record the pleasure experienced by both the spanker and the spankee. As far as the Wiemar Republic, the list went on (although they did make some good art during the time period. )

But there was a particular artist that they found promising enough to make their national leader...mustache, anti-Semitism, and all. Yes, it was Adolf Hitler. And within a generation of the 1920's, Germany was, in many ways, leveled.

So, when people are over sexualized, do they go blind, as the old adage portrays? Or do they go deaf and dumb too? Just something to consider the next time you are on the couch and channel-surfing.

Pollyanna! Come Out And Play!

2008-10-07T14:20:00.000-07:00

Contrary to popular opinion, there are great and wonderful things about being single. Let's start with how you get to all ways control the remote. (I mean, this is very important.) Plus, you are completely in charge of all financial decisions; making it, spending it, borrowing it. You can sleep on either side of the bed, roll around, and not bump into anyone else. You get to get up in the morning and no one is bothered by your morning breath. When you are going anywhere, you do not have to put up with people telling you to hurry because you will be late. In fact, if you are late, no one really cares.

When you want something exciting to do, there is the local Singles Program for great and exciting activities. Once a month you can go to the dance provided. Now, this is good stuff. Sometimes you have to drive a bit to get there if you do not live in the “big city” because frankly, not enough people know about this fantastic event, so they are kind of limited on where they have it. (Kind of like they get together at the beginning of the year, set the dates down for the 4th Saturday of the month, alternating between two locations if you are lucky, and it's done. Great planning.) Anyway, once you are there, you get to meet the most special people. The cream of the crop, so to speak.

Oh, I forgot the best part! Compared to your local clubs, this dance is quite the deal at only $3! Get outta here! I mean they play all the good music from the 30's, 40's, 50's and 60's. How can you pass this up? (I heard once that they actually had some music from the 80's once but had to get special permission for it, so, keep praying for it to happen again next spring!)

One of the most special things for me is knowing that I can go with my grandma to these things. Quite the bonding experience for us. Going out, checking out the local meat available, comparing notes and making bids. Okay, my grandma does not go with me, but technically she could. She's single and so am I. We are both over 30, so it works. Right?

I just love the food. No I don't. Not really. I lied there. Sorry.

Next we have the monthly fireside. Now, these are very important so put them on your calendar once you get the email telling you the date and time. I mean, the spiritual messages provided just change my life. And knowing I am in a room full of people who are single like me, hearing this beautiful message, well I just do not feel so alone in the world. And then we get cookies afterwards.
I do not let it bother me that men get to see me eating a bunch of cookies that late at night, right before I go to bed. It's what we do at all of our meetings: eat. (I heard someone mention how Mormons are in general more overweight than the average American, but I think they are just jealous of the truth and light we have and made it all up!)

I love going to the temple with the singles, too. I think it is the only time that the women actually sit on the mens side because so many came. Kind of sad that only 8 guys come in comparison to those 80 women. And afterwards, (at 10 pm again,) a few people go out for more food. But this time they have to pay for it at the restaurant. I have done that a few times. It is hard to have a conversation with anyone because it is noisy, you only sit by a few people, and the ratio of women to men makes me simply find a new girlfriend. But, I have done my temple service and participated in the Singles Program as directed by the leadership, therefore, I go home happy.

I left the best for last: the Singles Conference. It's the best because it only happens once a year and they advertise it for like six months, telling you to “mark your calendar” and remember the dates, etc. These things are set up on a general Friday night, Saturday schedule. The last Friday night I went to, they had games planned, like the ones they tell you to play at reunions. The “get to know you” type. Wow. Bet they find them on the internet. I wish I could think up these things. Then Saturday you have maybe a service project, then classes on how to manage your finances, do family history or how to effectively study the scriptures. Very helpful indeed. Then dinner. Yum. I know you might think Mormons only eat, but I assure you, it is not true. Then maybe something that would fall in line with the fireside theme is provided. All of this is leading up to the greatly anticipated.........DANCE!

Yes, friends and neighbors, they combine the best of both worlds at the conference! Fireside and dancing! Woah. We are truly blessed to be members of this community, let me tell you. And I love how they take the food from the whole day and recycle it into the goodies provided at the dance; very frugal. The best thing about the conference dance is that you are almost guaranteed to have more people show up this time. People are more willing to go to a conference and stay for a dance than they are to just go to a dance. So, you might actually meet someone you have never met before. Hey, stranger things have happened. It is a very spiritual and uplifting experience and I for one am glad to be a part of it.

It kind of rounds out my whole life of being single. I get the remote, the dances, and the bed, all to myself. And if I ever feel lonely, I just go to the fridge and medicate the feeling away.

St. Peter At The Gate

2008-10-03T15:02:00.000-07:00

Single Man: "I would like to come into heaven."
St. Peter: "Sorry, sir, you cannot come in."
Single Man: "Uhm. Are you sure?"
St. Peter: "Yes, sir, you cannot come in."
Single Man: "But I did my best."
St. Peter: "Sorry, sir, not good enough."
Single Man: "But I really tried."
St. Peter: "Not really."
Single Man: "What more could I have done? What did I not do?"
St. Peter: "You didn't go to the dances."

1 + 1 = 3

2008-10-01T23:25:00.000-07:00

Ever been in a relationship in the Mormon Middle Singles Program? Ever noticed how people cannot seem to leave the two of you alone? Ever noticed how people are giving too much unsolicited advice? Ever noticed how those who do not have anything going on in their life take over yours? Ever noticed how those who have no success at having a relationship tell you how to have yours? Ever noticed how those who are uncomfortable with happiness tend to discourage it? Ever noticed how those who know nothing about you tell you what you want and need? Ever noticed how sometimes you just want to run and hide but there is no where to go because we are such a tight knit community? Ever wondered why that budding relationship failed? Ever thought that it was not you or the other person but the jealous people who ruined it? Ever thought that maybe you should keep your mouth shut when you meet someone and turn to the Lord and let it grow naturally, then tell everyone what you two have decided all on your own with the help of the Spirit? Ever wondered how many relationships might have succeeded into great marriages if they were never gossiped about and discussed like the hottest topics? Ever wondered how many relationships you have destroyed through jealousy yourself? I have. I almost ruined one. Luckily, I stepped back and let it grow. I did not let my own low self-esteem ruin someone elses because that would just make me feel worse. Plus, I'd have to repent of it later.

One plus one does equal three when the third person in a relationship is the Lord. If it is your friend, co-worker, or family member, please take into account their own successes and their own opinions. Are they yours? Do they really know what is in your heart? Do you have the vocabulary and the experience at saying precisely what is in your heart so they will not misconstrue anything? Do you have that ability at telling the other side without prejudice? Or is the Lord the only One who knows both your heart and theirs and also knows the past, present and future and what will truly bring you happiness? I say, let the relationship be less crowded so it is not confusing. When you have so many opinions coming at you, you probably forget what yours is and then you forget the tighness in your gut when you speak to your special someone. You forget the butterflies in your stomache when you answer they phone and hear their voice. You lose the special things that are only between the two of you which create a Oneness required for a solid foundation. Make things more simple and trust the only One who can help you. Take a chance. The spirit will tell you if their is aught amiss and protect you if you believe. I know this to be true.

Give yourself a chance. Stop wasting time. Make your own decisions. Know your own heart. I know it's scary, but so is everything the first time you do it. Good luck. Do not tell me how it goes until you know what you want and only ask for my congratulations.

You Wanna Piece Of Me?

2008-09-25T01:57:00.000-07:00

I have many roles in my life. Sister, aunt, cousin, niece, grand-daughter, church member, friend, neighbor and mother. As a mother, I have countless sub-roles. A few are: confidant, psychologist, referee, nurse, chafer, director, laundress, instructor, dietitian, maid, gospel doctrine teacher, educator, hall monitor, business manager, sounding board, hair stylist, home decorator, 911 emergency operator, statistician, and wise person on the top of the worlds tallest mountain who has the answer to every question in the form of another thought provoking question.

I fulfill my roles with great joy and happiness because they are fun and exciting and I get satisfaction from doing a good job. This is something women just seem to be able to do, juggling the needs of those around them. Most of us do it naturally and are pretty good at it too.

When I look around at the women who are doing much the same as I, I sometimes see something is different. I look at them and I see a complete WOMAN. Whereas I do not feel like that is a title I carry. I have pondered on this for many weeks and have realized something. Only in the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom are we able to create worlds and have children. Otherwise we are sexless. That is how I feel now: sexless. I am not speaking only of the act itself, but in every aspect of it. I do not do on right now. I do not grow and progress as I otherwise would if I was married. In essence, I am damned; stopped in my tracks.

I can further my education, secure a good financial future, and raise my children in righteousness. I see that as dusting a spotless house because the guests have not arrived yet and there's nothing for you to do but wait. Marking time as it passes. Every second, every minute, gone forever. Sure, even if they come late you can still have fun, but not as much if they had been earlier.

Maybe I am one of the few who actually admits out loud that my main desire is to find a good man I can love and get married to. If I happen to admit it to another single man, they might freak out and run. Or think just anyone will do for me then. Both are misinterpreting what I am saying. I only admitted that when I date I am looking ahead to serious things and asking if this person can take up a permanent place in my life. I am not using a book or a long list of requirements, nor am I focusing on only that. What I am saying is that when I look, I am looking for a mate, not another “friend”.

I just realized I was getting off the topic. Oops.

Back to my womanhood. I believe that the scripture that talks about the man without the woman and the woman without the man is literal. I am an incomplete woman without “him.” I am incomplete because two cannot become one without the original two. I cannot unlock the door to the Celestial Kingdom without “him.” I cannot fulfill all of my roles in life without “him.” This is not such a bad thing. I have said nothing about my own worth here. I am talking literal. I am stopped somewhere in the middle of my goals if I go solo to the Celestial Kingdom. I need a “him” to go all the way to the top. “He” holds that part of me. He brings it with him to the relationship. He brings my highest abilities in womanhood to me. I can have them in no other way.

If you want to argue with me, fine. But first, I challenge you to go watch couples who are in love, and who respect each other. Look at their faces. Compare them to any single who is NOT in any kind of romantic relationship. See if I am not right. You see, while he brings my highest womanhood, I bring his highest manhood. It goes both ways. I carry within me the piece that can make him more than he could ever be alone. So, I say, “Who wants this piece of ME?” Who wants what I offer?

Going once......

Going twice......

"Why Do You Guys Keep Talking About a Program?"

2008-09-18T14:55:00.000-07:00

Good question. Why do we keep talking about the same thing, after all? Well, my answer is that the LDS Singles Program is a necessary entity for LDS singles to get married. In other words, it has a funtion. Suppose the previous statement is wrong, and we really don't need the Singles Program. Do we then also not need any other program (or meeting) in the Church but Sacrament Meeting...since that is where the sacrement is passed and is considered the center of our religion?

We all know better. I mean, don't all of the programs in the Church about fill a certain actual need? Let's list some: Relief Society, Priesthood, Choir, Sunday School, Gospel Doctrine, Gospel Essentials, Young Men/Women, Young Single Adults, Scouts, Compassionate Service, Home Teaching, Visiting Teaching, Missionary Work, FHE, Firesides, Basketball, Daddy-Daughter Camp-outs...I know that there are more, at least on paper.

Do these organizations, classes, and callings exist because we don't really need them? Or do they fill a necessary niche that was discovered long ago and has continued to serve us in some real capacity? Why is it that whenever a group of people begin to complain about the Single Adult Program, eventually somebody says, "Well, it's not the Church's responsibility to get you married." (Who said it was?) Or they say, "You could always go start your own program." Something to that effect. I ask you, would that ever be said of the Scouting Program, or Relief Society?

Then there are those that will tell you that the Singles Program is not a dating service. My response is then to ask them "Then what is it?" I find it very interesting how singles in the Program talk of how we can get members of the opposite sex together, blah, blah... "but it is NOT a dating service." To me this is like saying that Sunday School is NOT a class. Or Relief Society is NOT a women's organization. Choir is NOT about the music.

The next question may be why the Singles Program is not seen as what it assuredly is and was designed to be: a dating service. Is it because of its bad track record? Or is it that some of us have forgotten that we are really trying to find a spouse and not just another collection of friends (nothing against friendship. I am a big supporter of it. Love that friendship.)

Or is because it has become the latest example of "The Emperor's New Clothes?"

In any case, we know we have a long way to go when people who bring up the many disfunctions of the Singles Program get smacked on the hand for it. (But mind you, if we ever did get it fixed those same hand smackers would be the same folks who would then say, "Oh yeah, we've always known that there was a problem. It's about time that program was fixed!") Such is the way of the world sometimes. But as for you singles on the side-lines who do have a problem with your fellow singles who are trying to make the Program better; you should ask yourself whose side are you on, and why do you insist upon working against your own self-interest? Think about it. While you are at it, you might spend a few moments considering what a functional program would look like, and why Singles should (along with the other many responsibilities in their lives) be forced to add the arduous job of forming their own personal "program" (in addition to the official Singles Program) in order to get married in this lifetime. Should they build another Home/Visiting Teaching Organization while they are are at it? Missionary work?
One more thought. Is it the Church's responsibility to get us married? No. But it is the same organization that informs us that in order to get to Heaven we must live a high code of ethics and morals. Married or not. All things being equal, it is a good thing that the Singles Program exists if only to help singles live up to their covenants and testimonies.

Thus on to fixing the program. And to eternal progression. "The honest and faithful will go."

Time, in Its Subtle Forms

2008-09-17T15:59:00.000-07:00

I rarely get bored these days. Call it just one more asset to getting older...you get to know yourself better as you get practice getting to know yourself better.
Yes, this is just one more repetitive blog about the Singles Program of the Church. Just one more little blurb about how bad it is. Just one more time waster, maybe.

But that's what happens with time, right? Time itself can be a time waster depending upon how it is spent. Sometimes the things that get done and experienced are just things that were around to get done and experienced. Every moment, day, holiday, year and decade that we are alone is just what it is. It can be good, but alone nontheless. It is that sad and that important...just as it is that unsad and unimportant. How is it for you?

Maybe it is all in how you look at it...until your time is up, or even half-up. Hence, the mid-life crisis.

I think it is all a question of priorities. What are they? Where are they? How much do we really want to see things change? Is it about as much as we want to take a good look at the things that we do in order to make up for the fact that we are alone? Stamp collectioning? ESPN? Scrapbooking? The list is personal, and goes on.

Am I asking each of you who read this to go to your Singles , Ward, Stake and Regional Leaders and ask them for help with the Singles Program? You bet I am.

Am I asking you to start your own (functional) parties at your own homes in order to get people out so you can meet them? You bet I am.

Am I asking you to evaluate what you are really doing with your spare time in terms of what you really, really want in life? Am I asking us all to somehow form a team of caring singles who are determined to get the things we want and needin our own respective regions? Maybe even a support group? You bet I am.

To stop apologizing with platitudes for the way things are? To think bigger and act bigger. Yes! You bet I am.

With all due respect, try not to live up to my expectations....

The Little Red Hen

2008-09-17T11:04:00.000-07:00

“Who will help me plant these seeds of love?” said the little red hen.
“Not I!” said the lawyer, too busy and proud to look past the end of his nose.
“Not I!” said the baker, too busy making bread to see what was really valuable in life.
“Not I!” said the beggar, too ashamed of himself to even try.

“Who will help me dung and prune and water my seeds?” said the little red hen.
“Not I!” said the lawyer, too busy with a brief to get his hands dirty.
“Not I!” said the baker, too busy waiting for his bread to rise to do anything else.
“Not I!” said the beggar, too busy seeing his own pain that he could not serve.

“Who will help me harvest my love, now that it has grown? said the little red hen.
“Not I!” said the lawyer, too busy in court, basking in praise.
“Not I!” said the baker, too busy putting his bread in the oven, salivating at the thought of the tasty bread he was making.
“Not I!” said the beggar, too busy moping and feeling sorry for himself.

“Who will help me prepare my love for the feast?” said the little red hen.
“Not I!” said the lawyer, vacationing and basking in the fruits of his labors.
“Not I!” said the baker, taking his bread out of the oven, smelling the aroma of it.
“Not I!” said the beggar, too angry to do anything but complain.

“Who will come and partake of the feast I have prepared out of my love?” said the little red hen.
“I WILL!” said the lawyer, jumping hurdles to get there as fast as he can.
“I WILL!” said the baker, leaving his own bread behind in his eagerness to eat what others have prepared.
And the beggar was too full of hatred to even hear.

The little red hen is a story most often used to get children to be more helpful in doing chores and to show them how much work it takes to actually get something desirable. Too often we take things for granted, only wanting to arrive when the end result, the “good stuff” is on the table. Look at our society and look at how many people, male and female, married and non-married, have the attitude that if someone or something is less than perfect, throw it away because we can go find something better. I see all too often how if someone has certain flaws, “it's a show-stopper.” We forget that we are each a work in progress, a “diamond in the rough” who needs love, nurturing, encouragement and much forgiveness.

Each time I look in the mirror my reflection is there to look at. I do not see what I am most of the time, but the flaws which have been deemed as undesirable, and my heart interprets this to mean I am undesirable. With this throw away attitude, we deny the gospel and what it teaches. With our “okay you are perfect, now change” attitudes, we strangle and suffocate the very love we are hoping to grow. When we look at someone and forget to look underneath the surface, we are passing up the best part.

We went on a trip the other day as a family. We took a long drive. It was winding through the mountains and it was quite beautiful. When we arrived at our destination, my son looked at me shortly after and told me he finally understood that it was the journey that mattered and not the destination. You see, at the “top” it was busy, too many people and it was commercialized. We had just spent two hours in the car, stopping at the breathtaking views and pondered the majesty of Gods creation and ended up at the equivalent of a mall. It was more than a letdown. I felt violated. I could not get away fast enough. Then the beauty could come back into my life.

I think we all need to put more effort into our relationships and be more understanding of how painful life is for each of us. I know in my story it is the little red hen who is offering love and the men are denying it, but it could be as easily written from the other point of view. Often men offer their love and find it is scorned. Often men overlook flaws in a woman and it is seen as weakness when it is a strength; kindness is mocked and put down. As often as not, both men and women have to be something they would not naturally be. We judge each other ruthlessly. We are too hard on each other as a sex, and it goes both ways. We use hammers and pickaxes on each others hearts when pillows and soft gloves are what is necessary. The battle of the sexes was created by the devil and yet we are certain our anger and vehemently shouted abuses are justified. Yet, Christ paid for all those sins. It is just pride which keeps us from letting go and getting off our soap boxes and admitting we were wrong.

I do so now. I have hated men for most of my life. But I have been looking at things differently lately and I find they are now becoming sweet to me. So dear and precious that I am humbled when they are kind and helpful. I am grateful for all they do and put up with in this world and the labors they must perform. I am thankful I had such a loving father who raised me the best he knew how and I know if he had known the pain he caused me he would have wanted to die because he loved me too much to have done it on purpose. I forgive him and I forgive those who have hurt me in the past. I hope all those who have ever felt the lash of my tongue will be as generous and forgiving.

We all want to plant something beautiful and have it matter to someone. We all have tender spirits who feel every unkind thing done or said. Our spirits feel every sin we commit and every lie we tell takes us further from God. I often tell my kids that you will not surprise Heavenly Father with anything you say or do. First, He's probably heard it before, and second, He already knows. Put the sword down. Put the gauntlet down. Let the battle of the sexes end.

The Official Middle Singles Theme-Song

2008-09-15T14:27:00.001-07:00

No One is to Blame-

Howard Jones

You can look at the menu but you just can't eat
You can feel the cushions but you can't have a seat
You can dip your foot in the pool but you can't have a swim
You can feel the punishment but you can't commit the sin
And you want her and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
You can build a mansion but you just can't live in it
You're the fastest runner but you're not allowed to win
Some break the rules
And live to count the cost
The insecurity is the thing that won't get lost
And you want her and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
You can see the summit but you can't reach it
It's the last piece of the puzzle but you just can't make it fit
Doctor says you're cured but you still feel the pain
Aspirations in the clouds but your hopes go down the drain
And you want her and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
No one ever is to blame
No one ever is to blame.

And that's all I have to say about that, because

Ho Jo has already said it all. No?

Tourniquet

2008-09-11T16:59:00.000-07:00

One day my son came home from school and told me about a situation he did not know how to handle. There was a kid who was mocked and made fun of at school by others. It was not your regular bullying situation: it was the kid who was being mocked who would have fit the bullying personality. This kid went to church every Sunday, as did the other kids who made fun of him. This kid went to seminary every morning, as did the other kids who made fun of him. This bothered my son. He was new to the ward and did not know all the history and was looking only at the behavior from an unbiased point of view.

We talked about what was the “right” thing to do and we prayed about it. He tried to address the kids who were putting down the other kid and they justified it with excuses. They said they had “tried” to be nice, but he was still a jerk, so they gave up. My son was at a loss for words, so he said nothing. When he came home, he told me about it and I explained a simple truth to him.

I said when you put a tourniquet on your arm, you cut off the blood flow. When you remove the tourniquet and blood rushes to the part of your arm previously denied life giving blood, it HURTS! We all know how bad it feels to have a leg or arm go “asleep” and then “wake up.” It is painful sometimes, especially if it has been some time without blood flow.

Taking this phenomena of pain occurring when blood is restored, I likened it to the pain we must feel when love is restored to a place it had been denied. I explained to my son that when you have been beaten down, ridiculed, made out as the butt of jokes, told how worthless you are, demeaned, and uncared about, you cut the flow off to certain parts of your emotional being in order to stem the bleeding; to stop the pain. When kindness is restored, when sweetness comes, it is like the tourniquet being removed and greater pain comes because of the restoration of life giving hope. And it does hurt. When you try to uplift someone who is so beaten down with negativity, they lash out at you. They want the greater pain to stop. They are not rational enough to know what is going on; they only feel the pain. The pain overwhelms them and is top priority. The brain is saying: “Do whatever it takes to stop this!” And we do. We lash out in our pain, (hurting those who seem to be causing this great pain in our hearts with their kindness), with our own rudeness, our sneers, and our anger. We are afraid that the pain will not stop.

My son decided to tell the kids about the tourniquet on our emotions and they scoffed at it and dismissed it. So, he decided to give it a try himself. He said he started to stand up for this gruff boy who looked for ways to unnerve people. He told him how good he was and complimented him. And then he saw the truth of the tourniquet. Suddenly my son was getting put down, he was being attacked by this “bully”. He confessed to me a few weeks later that it was very hard to like this kid at all anymore because of the effectiveness of his attacks. He knew and understood the theory and even knew what was happening, but it did not change the outcome. He stopped standing up for someone who did not appreciate it, and everything went back to the way it was. Sort of. He did not really like hanging out with any of the kids much after that and withdrew from them all. They lost out and so did he. I do not fault him for doing so, he is in high school and it is tough enough without taking on someones emotional hurts and trying to heal them in one semester. But he learned a great lesson, and so did I.

When it comes to our interpersonal relationships, those with our friends, neighbors, or fellow church members, I have noticed that we all have painful situations which we usually do not like to talk about. Or if we do talk about it, we do so in an inappropriate manner such as with our friends where we do nothing more than complain and minimize our own wrong doing. We all like to avoid the truth which is very ugly and painful sometimes. We all like to make our lives appear like sitcoms or billboard ads. Nothing makes us more miserable than this, yet we continue in earnest. We suffer because we are not like so and so. We are depressed because we are not rich or glamorous. We constantly compare ourselves to others and wonder why we are so miserable. The grass is all ways greener no matter which side you stand on. There are so many simple sayings about blooming where you are planted and making lemonade out of lemons, yet we shrug them off as stupid or trite when it is the pseudo lives we follow in the media which are stupid and trite.

There are people who need us. They live with us, next to us, and all around us. We have the opportunity today, this very minute, to make a difference in their lives. An appropriate difference which will bring about more good in their lives than anything else. It's like the adage: give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach him to fish and he eats for life. If you give some one a sincere compliment, you feed his soul today. If you teach a person to like themselves, they are strong enough to pass the lesson on to others. Someone gave you the blessings you have. Someone praised you, helped you, nurtured you. It was hard work for them and they had to put up with your bad attitude and your snottiness. Can you not pass on the goodness to another? Can you not bless others as you have been so richly blessed? If you think you are the one who has a tourniquet on their arm, you know what to do: be aware and heal. Yes, I do know how hard it is to do. I did it myself. I had to believe in someone: myself. More than ever before. I had to decide I was worth something. I had to put faith in my Lord and myself and value who I was. I had to curb my temper when the pain started. I was not always successful. And I had to get up each time I fell and do it all over again, even when it was not easy or fair.

There is a wealth of information out there just at our fingertips. The Holy Ghost will guide and direct our efforts for good. We will not fail if we are on the right team. That is the good news of the gospel. Prayer is a powerful tool we have been given and we can use it to do great good in this world. We all know the proper things to do. We do not admit to the less than pleasant parts about how we have to be around people who may swear or speak inappropriately, participate in habits which we know are wrong, or who lack the strength of testimony we enjoy. Boohoo. I do not feel very bad for you if you are whining and complaining. I have to get up everyday just like you do. I have to deal with unpleasant situations and people just like you do. I have to pour my heart and soul out day after day to someone who needs me whether it's my kids, a friend or a stranger who crosses my path. I do it so I can kneel by my bed at night and tell the Lord I did my very best today again. And pray I can do it all over again tomorrow.

The Silent Questions In Our Heads

2008-09-06T13:51:00.000-07:00

There is a dance tonight. The question on every singles mind is “Do I stay or do I go?” I want to know the answer to that question. I have to know first why I would go though? Why would I subject myself to this judgment, why would I subject myself to this disappointment? Why would I want to go, listen to some dumb music because “We must cater to all groups here” and eat fattening food and look at people faking it? Why would I do this to myself? I do not even live close to this dance. I have to carpool and spend money on the gas to get there.

If I go, what are my expectations? What do I want to achieve from such a night of socializing? Do I expect a date? Do I expect someone to ask for my phone number? Is it too forward to give out my number to someone who has not asked for it? Would I sit by the phone just as I would if they asked for it, or would I be able to let go of any hope in that case? Would I be able to go and not have any expectations at all?

Where will I find myself at the dance and afterwards? Will I sit at a table or along the wall? Will I go dance even if I have to do so alone? Will I take a walk outside in the night air because I am so sorry I came? Where will I put my hands if I am talking to someone and I am nervous? Where will I look if I am talking to someone I am not interested in and not sure how to let them know? Where will I be next week, next month, next year and does this dance have the ability to change the answers to those questions?

When will I stop worrying about the dances? When will I stop analyzing dances and the games people play in the dating game? When will I be someone who stops going all together and becomes the single old lady in the ward permanently? When will I meet someone who I fancy, who fancies me, and we get married? When will my Prince Charming come and I ride off into the sunset? When do I find myself alone in the house because my kids are all grown up and moved out and I wonder if I have any purpose in life? When will I say I have had enough and leave all together, forsaking my covenants? It has happened to many, why would I be immune?

Who will I see if I go? It has been so long since I went, would I recognize any one? Who will still be there from years ago and what on earth could be worse than seeing them and them seeing me, years after we first met, knowing we are both still single? Who will ask me to dance? Who will catch my eye? Who will be younger than me and who will be older? Who will scare me and who will delight me? Who will talk to me and will I be comfortable talking with them?

And the ultimate question on every ones mind is what will I wear!! I have to look good because I am tried, judged and condemned in the blink of an eye so I have to be perfect. Every strand of hair in place. Makeup must be flawless. My clothes must be top fashion and my shoes without smudge. I must have the looks of a model or I am not worth much. I am scanned and passed by for another. Or maybe no one, but I am passed by, as if I do not matter because I have a body that has begun it's slow decent towards the grave. I know this because I do it too. I judge people automatically, without even being aware of it. I have been trained by society to do this, as have everyone else over the age of like, a minute.

I have fears, hopes, dreams, failings, worries, funny stories to tell, gifts I am supposed to share with people, and a need to be loved. Am I really all that different than you? Yes, in many ways we are different because we were made that way. One of the most amazing things about life is how similar yet completely different we are from each other. It brings us closer and at the same time keeps things interesting. I like me. I think I am a wonderful woman with a great sense of humor, a strong character and a dazzling smile. What is not to love about me that is not equal in everyone else?

Actually, the most important question we could be asking ourselves is why are we, children of a loving Heavenly Father, so very hard on each other when what we are learning from the gospel is how important charity is. Without it we are nothing. Hum. Something to think about. The most important attribute someone can have is charity. Everything else is worthless in comparison. Well, I for one am going to go out and get me as much charity as possible so that someone who values me will certainly get a large serving of it.

Short, Sharp Lessons in Preparing for Love

2008-09-05T07:51:00.000-07:00

I had this relationship a few years ago that was life changing. First of all, we were friends for a while before I even realized that we were falling into something deeper. (I was not even initially attracted to her. That changed.) Second, I learned some not-so-obvious things about what people should expect from each other in a relationship.

What am I saying here? I guess I am ready to admit to myself and the world that there is only so much you can do to prepare for marriage. No matter how prepared you may think you are, there will always be little (or big) issues that can only be solved through the act of being in a relationship. We are all to a greater or lesser extend blind-sighted to some of our most invisible flaws, insecurities, and issues when we are single and not in a long-term relationship for a significant amount of time. Is this not so? I can tell you that in my experience it is. I and this wonderful woman I nearly married had what can be termed "incompatible issues." Her insecurities and mine did not function so well together, eventually. Could they have worked themselves out? I believe so. She did not, I suppose. But we loved each other a great deal and it was a great relationship. Drama free? No. But the love was unsurpassed in my world...and she suggested that the relationship was, in several crucial ways, just as fabulous for her. But then there were those other things that made us both scared, impatient, and bewildered. You know, those little misunderstandings on an otherwise perfect day together. Or those big things that kept us almost at an end for weeks...until love and gravity brought us together again for while.

But having overcome the demise of this particular relationship that changed my life, I am left to thank God for it, and to hopefully learn something about myself and how I can become more compatible with love in general. After all, when you have lived more of your life alone, there is always much to learn about one's self, and (again) about love.

If there is any real point to this post it is that I hope that I am able to be patient, hopeful, and kind to whomever I find myself loved by and loving in the future. I hope I remember that, as everyone, we are both injured people doing our best with what we have; that this is a human thing more than an individual thing.

I believe this is a problem for Single Mormons, particularly because we are so concerned with perfection in ourselves...and others. We sometimes forget that the Saviour and Heavenly Father are the the only souls who have a monopoly on perfection. We also forget that, just as we have to learn how to learn our native language, we must also learn the language of love...sometimes again and again...through pain, sorrow, resentment, and anger. I wonder how many of us lose out for years on love just because the one we "once loved" was imperfect in some communicatory way regarding love and loving. So sad for both. Indeed it is so hard to have faith that, in time, love itself will cure many of these fears and foibles. (This is why I believe in long courting...and short engagements.)
I hope we all can find what we are looking for and whom we are looking for. I hope we recognize love for what it is. And when it steps in, with all of its hopeful, fractured majesty, embrace it without hesitation. Completely.

His Loving Arms

2008-09-01T00:00:00.000-07:00

I wonder how often The Lord wins by default? How often is He the only thing left? When I was young and in junior high, we rated the guys around us. The lowest rating you could get something like this: “Like, NEVER! Not even if he was the last man on earth!” Not much chance with those odds, are there?

Sometimes, when there has been so much rejection in your life, The Lord seems to be all that is left. To a single brother or sister, “His arm is stretched out still.” has special meaning. The gospel teaches us about The Lords love for us and often offers hope. After many years of rejection by the opposite sex and the seemingly lack of concern by members, there seems to be little left for you but Him. And only Him.

As mortal beings, we have an innate ability to love others. We inherited this from our Heavenly Father and while we are on our sojourn here on earth we wish to develop this love to it's earthly capacity. For too many singles their love is never shared. It never brings forth fruit and it withers and seemingly dies. It is buried so deep it appears to not be there. It has never developed naturally so it stands out as odd because it is. The same way a grown man would look odd if he kept the arms of a baby boy, that same man looks odd to our emotional senses because he has not developed the way nature intended. His growth has literally been stunted. I have never seen a man, fully grown except for little boy arms but I have met men who have not learned how to love a woman.

In the medical arena doctors would study the causes of such an aberration as stunted growth arms. They would run diagnostic tests, take blood samples, delve into the newly opened land of DNA,
and they would have asked for grants, donations and the power to do research because no one deserved the stigma that came form such a physical deformity. They would do this because over one third of the population suffered from this abnormality and it had become an epidemic. (Kind of like being single in the church.) Money for donations would pour in from moved and concerned people. (Mostly concerned that it does not happen to them...)
But hey, money is money and it makes the world go around. Who cares anyway? Right? As long as we find a cure!

Such an obvious abnormality could not be ignored. It would never have been allowed to become so bad in the first place. At the first sign of trouble efforts would have been made to redirect the way things were going in an attempt to protect innocent children from having to grow up into this horrible creature. This monster. And it would be horrible. Imagine half the men you know walking around with the arms of a T-Rex!! He could not cover his mouth when he coughed, scratch his own chin or pick his nose. He would need someone else to do these simple things for him.

There are people masquerading as normal, healthy human beings out there, but they have short arms you cannot see. They never stretched them by working them and teaching them to trust, going so far out there and not being hurt. You see, they were hurt time and time again. They reached for something they wanted and got their hand slapped over and over, until they withdrew their hands and stopped reaching. And their ability to reach was stunted. They did not stop growing because of some natural disorder, but an unnatural one. One caused from toxicity. The poison from rejection. The abuses in their life brought about this emotional deformity. And it is obvious! But no doctor wishes to base his career hopes and dreams on finding a cure for such a malady. No one would establish charity drives or telethons to raise money for research into such a one as he. Ignored, his aberration is made worse, the underdevelopment undergoes mutation, and no longer is he someone you pity or show sorrow towards, rather now you scorn and ridicule. And it is completely socially acceptable to pass such shallow judgment on him. I wish I could tell you it was as simple as an issue of pride, ignorance or even fear. But the problem is as wide and varied as each snowflake that falls from the sky: Unique.

In the end, after sympathizing with the hunchback of Notre Dame, our emotionally mutated man has no recourse but to choose God or nothing as no one will love him. So God wins by default?
It is very tempting to judge and say that such a man would not have chosen God otherwise, therefore The Lord gave him these challenges in order to secure him a place in heaven. What a cop out that is. The truth lies in the very people who rejected him. “When saw we thee an hungered and fed thee naught? When saw we thee naked and clothed thee naught?” I tell you, by ignoring this mans pain and suffering, you have won no brownie points in heaven. The Lord won. But we always knew He would. He won the moment He broke the bands of death and pain and hell. He does not have to lay traps to catch and ensnare us. The idea that His loving arms are reaching out to us still is sometimes enough to make us simply run into them.

I Am Throwing Out The Rule Book

2008-08-29T10:44:00.000-07:00

The challenge of being a “good” single Mormon is not fully understood by anyone unless they have lived it for a minimum of 5 painful years. If you have been single, gone to the pathetic activities provided, and dated other singles for less than five years, you have only been given a taste of the agony lived by us old-timers. I have been single for 12 years, and I still feel like I am a young'n. Okay, I was married for 6 months in the middle, but it was so bad of a marriage that I have blocked the memory most of the time.

But that marriage, the bad one, is why I am writing this post. It has all the necessary parts to it to explain the dilemma a middle Mormon single faces out in the “real” world. I will tell my story honestly, while trying to be obtuse so as to not give away identities.

It was a nice Saturday for me. The kids were with their dad and I had a friend over that day. We had fun swimming and then she was too tired to go to the dance. I decided I would go it alone because I did not have much in my life but the dances and I enjoyed what I could get. I still had hope you see. I was barely 30. Still young enough to think there is plenty of time for everything in life. I am still able to fully enjoy all the things I want to achieve. I was getting over the theft of 12K dollars from my last relationship, thought I had learned my lesson, and was almost completely out of debt. In fact, I was looking at buying a house in the near future. I was so happy and excited. I loved my life. I had great kids, I went to church, my son was doing great in scouts and all my kids were doing great in school but the youngest who was not in school, and I was even getting along with my family quite well. If you asked me, I would have told you I had a great life. I was happy.

Then that fateful night I met someone. I recall how silly I was. I had watched other, older women, at other dances and saw how they did not dance with someone they did not know on a slow dance, and they did not dance with anyone more than twice in a row. I adopted these “rules” myself because I wanted to be a “good” girl and not give the “wrong” impression.
I was perched on a rock. He walked up from behind. I could feel his approach. I knew. I was not startled when he asked me to dance. I was not nervous. I was not happy either, just curious how this was going to go. He listened after our second dance to my “rule” of needing to wait before I danced with him again. Sure enough, he was back. Again, we parted after two dances. I felt stupid. What a dumb rule. What did it matter? No one ever asked me to dance all that often. I usually danced with my friend or someone I already knew, more often than not “group” style where you are not “with” anyone. I felt foolish for wasting this attention. So, the third time, I told him I felt comfortable with him and I would spend the rest of the dance “with” him.

Afterwards, we sat in the parking lot of a gas station for 3 hours talking. I remember kissing him. It was exciting. He asked me out. It was a fun date. He was so attentive and I felt all tingly inside. Back at my place, he told me he felt like I was “The One”. Gosh, no one has ever said that to me! (All you more experienced people out there, please keep the advice that this is a corny line to yourself. I know that now!)

Needless to say, we married a few months later. It turned ugly immediately and within two months I was terrified and abused, dislocated from my home and family, and completely shell shocked.

Through all my “years of experience” I still had no idea how to act when someone paid attention to me because no one did. I was not too fat to be looked at, but no one looked. I was the mother of three beautiful kids, but that “scared” men off, as if there were a disease. I had more honesty from non-Mormon men than I did from any Mormon guy. They were honest enough to tell me they wanted to have sex. Most Mormon guys acted pure, then were almost forceful in the end. I wanted all the good and beautiful things I had learned about in church, but I was not finding it. I was doing everything “right”, I had all the rules down, but I was getting no where fast.

I did not call guys. So, they stopped calling me. I did not ask them to dance. So I did not dance. I would not stay out too late or go on another date too soon after the first. All the rules were killing every opportunity I had because all I was doing was setting up boundaries, walls and obstacle courses for these men to traverse through. Why would they want to? There were much easier women to be had. Literally. I held my head up high because I was doing everything “right” but I was not getting what I wanted.

So, a few days ago, when a dear friend of mine told me that even though I may fall in love with someone, I have tons of homework to do before I can feel confident in them, something broke inside of me. Not only do I have to be perfect in the original game of dating, stay pure and not cross any lines yet keep his attention, I also have to interrogate him because I am responsible for my children and they come first? No other words have ever tempted me to abandon them more than those. I have heard them so many times over and over. One friend even said that single women with small children should not even contemplate dating until their children are much older, or even “out of the house”. Do you understand what that means? That means that while you are young, pretty, and full of desire, even able to have more children, you must not because you have a duty to the ones you all ready have. You must sacrifice your hopes, dreams and desires to kids who argue with you, break all the rules as often as they can get away with, and do not understand or appreciate all you do for them. This is life. It is the way it is. I adore my children yet I understand they are individuals I am the caretaker for.

I have a new rule: NO RULES!!! If I want to call a guy, I will. Even 10 times in a row. If he does not like me, I will sense that there is nothing. If I want to dance with someone, I will ask. If they say no, it's their loss, and mine. If I want to spend tons of time with someone because I like them, I will. If I want to have more children, even though I already have some, I will as long as I can. If I have to deal with step situations, I will. Because this life is to be enjoyed. I have looked so far into the future that I have missed out on what is right in front of me. I have looked so far into heaven that I forgot I was on earth. I was so worried about my mansion in heaven that I forgot about the home I live in now. I do not suggest I throw that out completely, I mean that I must combine the two worlds. I matter in both places. You see, I never did get my house. I never did get out of debt until many years later after this guy took another 12K from me too. I now live in a run down trailer with sewage problems. I am not as young as I was those years ago, nor am I as financially sound. But today I believe in myself more than I did then. I had too many rules.

I did pray about that guy. I still pray. I will ask the questions that seem important to me and I will let my “bull----” detector tell me what to pay attention to. And I will pray about what is going on and ask for confirmation that all is well. Asking for proof, at any time during a relationship, takes the beauty out of it. Asking for divorce papers says to me that I am not smart enough to know when you are lying to me. It sets me up for failure. A good liar can keep “proof” from being found out. And you cannot prove all things but by the spirit sometimes. The Holy Ghost testifies of things you cannot know otherwise. This man looked great from the outside, and the warning bells were chiming the whole time, I just had too many rules and formulas in my head to hear them.

You may disagree, but the sad truth is that I am not married. The rules did not get me married, and getting rid of the rules is not guaranteed to get me married either. It is a tragedy I live every day of my life, this singleness. I cannot help but think maybe breaking out of the norm every now and then just might stir the pot, and get a few things brought up to the top that had settled on the bottom.

I Hear Dead Voices

2008-08-26T08:05:00.001-07:00

Let us discuss something briefly which may end up as a larger post. Voices. Everywhere. Radio morning shows, talk radio, TV shows, News, campaign commercials, school books, magazines, newspapers, friends (members and nonmembers), strangers on the light rail or bus. Everywhere. Do we even have a choice anymore on what we have to take in? What is it doing to us?

I have no idea, actually. I wish I did.

But I do know what has changed in our culture from certain TV shows. Let's take one I love to hate, "Sex in the City." (I know, I know.) Many women love it. It speaks for them. Even some women in the Church love it. And I have to hand it to them. The show has some great writers.

But lest we miss the point of the show, let us just do a general review based upon a passive, a very passive, male observer:

Four hip women in a large northeastern American city are looking for love in all sorts of places. Not just any love, but the love of the perfect male. This male is rich, successful, "hot", grandly endowed, and absolutely emotionally unavailable for the fact he cannot settle down with one woman. Any other man who possesses anything less than all of these qualities is never, ever enough.... and this causes these women great emotional distress. Try as they might, these girls cannot under any circumstances abide even the slightest notion of compromising their proudly held Everest-like standards. This conundrum causes these poor girls to treat any male but the ultra-A like pawn-scum. In other words, these hip ultra-neo-feminists' mutual pettiness, cruelty, and self-absorption is not just tolerated, but celebrated and perpetuated. Nice.

But back to the males they either ruin or chase forever. Alas, there is one exception. There is one sort of male which draws out these girls' would-be maternal and respectable nature. And this male type that receives quarter to their harsh system of engagement is the gay male. If he his gay he is treated as one of the Three Wise Men, a Sherpa, and a shrink.

Then there was the movie. Although I was told to, I didn't see it. But lots of women did, some Mormon. And yet some of these women, Mormon and otherwise, wonder why a good man can't be found anymore in our society. Gee, I wonder.

Did they ever ask a man?

But speaking of homosexual Sherpas, and seriously speaking, I read a great book by a lesbian author not all that long ago. Her name is Norah Vincent. Her book, Self-Made Man. As preparation for the book she went

underground for 18 months disguised as a man, and went to places men go (bars, bowling alley, the office, the monastery, the strip joint, on dates with women, etc.) She found much wisdom and revelation that all of us could benefit from; such as the fact that men have it harder than women think...and so do women (but neither realize it or know what they themselves do to perpetuate it (often at the behest and whim of the media and popular culture.)) But the fact remains, that we all suffer for it. Singles stay single, marrieds become single (or gay),...that kind of thing. Great book, truly. I can't recommend it enough, nor can my friends who have read it.

So, some voices are better than others, I suppose. And these voices are not created equal; and the bad voices create issues within us that we don't even see, or often even want to see. And if we are being hurt by many of these voices, at what point would we want to know about it, and shut them down? Now? Later? Never?

Sometimes it's almost as if those old Conference talks had something to them after all. I must ask you, dear reader, with all of the voices we let in to our mind, body, and soul, are these men also included? Are they alive or dead in our consciousness? Are they fighting for some sort of quality time in our lives? Remember, matter how much worldly-wise information we receive out there in the electric jungle, if we have not given time to the prophets (scriptural and contemporary), we have not heard what we need to hear. Therefore our lives are incomplete and, to some extent, lost. After all, these men and others like them projected our day even before it arrived completely in all of its Babylonian glory.

But here it is, right before us.

Let us not forget the wisdom of our Fathers. Let us not consider them "dead voices" just because some of them have left this world. Those other worldly voices, having run their natural course, will be dead and gone one day. Dead and gone, often in the space of a few years...only to be replaced by a newer, shinier, sexier, version of the same thing. Anything to keep our collective id tickled.

But truth and wisdom live on...even if in partial hibernation within the last moments of what we know as the Last Days. May be re-read them, savor them, and after having shut off all those other worldly voices which often provide the nutritional equivalent of Cheezewiz, walk faithfully onward.

Best Songs for the LDS Singles' Situation

2008-08-25T10:24:00.000-07:00

We invite you to submit the songs that best describle, for you, your feelings regarding the situation you (and the rest of us Singles) find ourselves in. You may include entire lyrics of songs, or just portions. Include as many as you please. This should be interesting, and certainly validating. We welcome happy, sad, country, rock...anything. Have fun!

Here are some to start out:

"Still Crazy After all These Years" - Paul Simon

"An' here I sit so patiently
Waiting to find out what price
You have to pay to get out of
Going through all these things twice.
Oh, Mama, can this really be the end,
To be stuck inside of Mobile
With the Memphis blues again."

- Bob Dylan, from Stuck Inside of Mobile With the Memphis
Blues Again

All I Really Want To Do

I ain't lookin' to compete with you,
Beat or cheat or mistreat you,
Simplify you, classify you,
Deny, defy or crucify you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
No, and I ain't lookin' to fight with you,
Frighten you or uptighten you,
Drag you down or drain you down,
Chain you down or bring you down.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
I ain't lookin' to block you up
Shock or knock or lock you up,
Analyze you, categorize you,
Finalize you or advertise you.

All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
I don't want to straight-face you,
Race or chase you, track or trace you,
Or disgrace you or displace you,
Or define you or confine you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
I don't want to meet your kin,
Make you spin or do you in,
Or select you or dissect you,
Or inspect you or reject you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
I don't want to fake you out,
Take or shake or forsake you out,
I ain't lookin' for you to feel like me,
See like me or be like me.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.

Hazy Shade of Winter - Simon and Garfunkel

Time, time, time, see what's become of me
While I looked around
For my possibilities
I was so hard to please
But look around, leaves are brown
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter
Hear the salvation army band
Down by the riverside, its bound to be a better ride
Than what youve got planned
Carry your cup in your hand

And look around, leaves are brown now

And the sky is a hazy shade of winter
Hang on to your hopes, my friend
Thats an easy thing to say, but if your hopes should pass away
Simply pretend
That you can build them again
Look around, the grass is high
The fields are ripe, its the springtime of my life
Ahhh, seasons change with the scenery
Weaving time in a tapestry
Won't you stop and remember me
At any convenient time
Funny how my memory slips while looking over manuscripts
Of unpublished rhyme
Drinking my vodka and lime
But look around, leaves are brown now
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter
Look around, leaves are brown
Theres a patch of snow on the ground...

Tomorrow Is A Long Time - Bob Dylan

If today was not an endless highway,
If tonight was not a crooked trail,If tomorrow wasn't such a long time,
Then lonesome would mean nothing to you at all.
Yes, and only if my own true love was waitin',
Yes, and if I could hear her heart a-softly poundin',
Only if she was lyin' by me,
Then I'd lie in my bed once again.
I can't see my reflection in the waters,
I can't speak the sounds that show no pain,
I can't hear the echo of my footsteps,
Or can't remember the sound of my own name.
Yes, and only if my own true love was waitin',
Yes, and if I could hear her heart a-softly poundin',
Only if she was lyin' by me,
Then I'd lie in my bed once again.

There's beauty in the silver, singin' river,
There's beauty in the sunrise in the sky,
But none of these and nothing else can touch the beauty
That I remember in my true love's eyes.
Yes, and only if my own true love was waitin',
Yes, and if I could hear her heart a-softly poundin',
Only if she was lyin' by me,
Then I'd lie in my bed once again.

I Know It's Over - The Smiths

Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head,
And as I climb into an empty bed,
Oh well, enough said.
I know it's over, still I cling, I don't know where else I can go, over
Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head,
See the sea wants to take me, the knife wants to slit me,
Do you think you can help me?
That veil bride, please be happy,
Handsome groom, give her room.
Loud loutish lover treat her kindly,
Though she needs you more than she loves you.
And I know it's over, still I cling, I don't know where else I can go, over over over over...
I know it's over, and it never really began,
But in my heart, it was so real and you even spoke to me and said:
If you're so funny, then why are you on your own tonight?
And if you're so clever, then why are you on your own tonight?
If you're so very entertaining, then why are you on your own tonight?
If you're so very good looking, why do you sleep alone tonight?
I know, because tonight is just like any other night,
It's why you're on your own tonight.
With your triumphs and your charms,
Oh there in each others arms.
It's so easy to love, it's so easy to hate,
It takes strength to be gentle and kind, over over over over over
It's so easy to love, it's so easy to hate,
It takes guts to be gentle and kind, over over
Love is natural and real,
But not for you my love,
Not tonight my love,

Love is natural and real,
But not for such as you and I my love.
Oh mother I can feel the soil falling over my head,
Mother I can feel the soil falling over my head,
Mother I can feel the soil falling over my head,
Mother I can feel the soil falling over my head,
Oh mother I can feel the soil falling over my head,
Oh mother I can feel the soil falling over my head,
Oh mother I can feel the soil falling over my head.

Overs - Simon and Garfunkel

Why don't we stop fooling ourselves?
The game is over,
Over,
Over.
No good times, no bad times,
There's no times at all,
Just The New York Times,
Sitting on the windowsill
Near the flowers.
We might as well be apart.
It hardly matters,
We sleep separately.
And drop a smile passing in the hall
But there's no laughs left
'Cause we laughed them all.
And we laughed them allIn a very short time.
Time
Is tapping on my forehead,
Hanging from my mirror,
Rattling the teacups,
And I wonder,
How long can I delay?
We're just a habit
Like saccharin.
And I'm habitually feelin' kinda blue.
But each time I try on
The thought of leaving you,
I stop...
I stop and think it over

A Van Gogh or A Baloney Sandwich?

2008-08-22T14:17:00.000-07:00

It has been shown that sometimes, as a thing ages, its value increases. You can see this when you look at furniture, vases, and coins. In fact, I was recently told by a coin dealer that cleaning your old coins actually decreases their value. Go figure?

While art, wine, and knick knacks can improve with time, certain things do not. Electronics, movies, and baloney sandwiches have about the same life span before they become undesirable.

Personally, I have nothing that qualifies as antique in my life...unless you count the Singles Program. The question left to ask myself is whether it is a Van Gogh or a baloney sandwich?

I know my theme is constant: Down with the Singles Program!!

But it is a major sore spot in my life. I wish I had other things to think about and write about. Alas, maybe the above question has already been answered....

Why This Blog Will Never, Ever Be Enough

2008-08-22T10:18:00.000-07:00

So, we've had this weblog going for well over a month and have had exactly one (1) person out there who found us and responded. (Thank you Suzanne!!!)

We are still optimistic, however. We still believe that this blog will fulfill the full measure of its creation. Having said that, we also are realistic. We know that the problems with Singles in the Church are far and wide, (some of which are only as fixable as LDS Singles are willing to become aware their of disenfranchised position...and then do something about it.) Of course, this would require these same Singles to explore the reality of their situation in full.

We, the writers of this blog, know from experience just how emotionally difficult (and potentially time consuming) this process really can be. We have been discussing the problems and their potential solutions for over four years. This is not the first effort we have made to be heard both locally, and within Church leadership itself.

As you may guess, we are not satisfied with the help we have received thus far. How could we be? There really has been no change in the Singles Program at any level since well before we were old enough to date. (Granted, on-line dating is a so-called new development...but it has such a disparaging success rate that we cannot in good conscience consider it a viable alternative for LDS Singles. (The reasons for this problem is multi-fold, and deserves its own post.))

For anything to change, we must realize that there are several counts against us. First, we are mortal. We will live out our lives with or without love, and then we will die. At some point in our lives, we might give up being frustrated at being alone, and simply resign from the pursuit. We all know people who have done this. It usually happens sometime in certain persons' 40s or 50s. They just get sick and tired of being sick and tired, and they move on to the rest of their lives...having chucked the heavy baggage of desire and need for human intimacy from the opposite sex. This way they can truly "enjoy" their life for a change, with no inconvenient strings attached to that bitter-sweet sensation felt somewhere within the upper ribcage. No longer are they burdened with that grocery-store crush from that anonymous person among the strawberries (so available and yet so unavailable. So physically near... yet so ideologically, religiously, and impossibly far.)

This is where I should insert the lyrics to the song "Desperado" by Don Henley, but I shall pare it down to "You're losin' all you're highs and lows. Ain't it funny how the feelin' goes away?"

Word up. True dat. Touche. (And another good subject for a future post.)

The second count against us is that most singles go inactive. I will not divulge the percentage on this blog, but anyone reading this should ask their leaders what they themselves believe the percentage is. Suffice it to say, the rumors are more than staggering. And because we lose these people, we lose a good portion of our force for change.
(And let's face it, for anyine with even the beginnings of a testimony, it takes true courage to leave the Church. That same courage could have been better spent trying to formulate change within the Program, instead of bailing out on the whole system.) Therefore it is up to those of us who stay; we must muster the courage...or not. Either way, what most of us consider courageous acts of of change, probably don't even begin to hit the radar. I am not suggesting anything like protest, but we need to make ourselves heard and we need to take charge of our "program." I'm not talking about the official Singles Program here.

Rather, I am referring to the program that we create out the intellect and free agency God gave us. This is what it will take, because change from within appears to be speeding along at the pace of the Earth's tectonic plates. (But remember, Church Leadership is not telling us that we can't do more. So why don't we do more? (This is another good question to be explored in a future post. So please, dear reader, we would love your opinion on this.*))

Third, let us not forget, many of us continue to be in denial for several reasons, not the least of which is shame.

Remember, the title of this post is "Why This Blog Will Never, Ever Be Enough." We wish that the whole dysfunctional system that is the LDS Singles Program could be fixed in the walls of this blog or one like it. But, alas, we would deceive ourselves by even hoping for that.

Truth be told, this blog is just one more passing cog in a wheel that rolls far too slow for anyone's comfort. Just one more anonymous click towards potential progress for millions of people, both now and in the future. But, lest we forget, potential progress is not progress. It is potential, and that alone. And just like potential energy, the movement is in the footwork.

So, let us put on our running gear... and run (not walk) toward new goals for a Singles Program of our own choosing. Godspeed.

I Have a Question.

2008-08-13T15:49:00.000-07:00

I have a question. Are we singles supposed to be agitated (to the point of anger) by our single status and the program that "supports" it, or are we to simply be blissfully at peace with it? Somewhere in between? I have tried all three, and while each offer different advantages, none seem to get the job done for what appears to be even the most eligible of us. I often find myself oscilating somewhere between anger and indifference. Again, no lasting peace or solution.

I may sound like a broken record, but that seems fitting for the subject matter: A broken Program. A broken system. A failed modis. Whatever. It isn't working, and sometimes I think that if the Program burned to the ground, at least everyone would have to admit that "Yep. It's time for something new."

In my part of the world, things have not looked this bad since I joined the ranks of Middle Singledom. I live in a western city of over 2.4 million people...not too far from SLC, UT. So, I can't lay the problem on a lack of Mormons or something. The activities...suck. Too many people. Not enough new people. Not enough legitimate fun.

I went to such an activity the other night. It was a game night of sorts, in a cultural hall. Sad and dumb. Dumb and sad. What is it about Mormons that they think the most appropriate place to to do ANYTHING is in a gymnasium? I'm surprised we don't hold Church there. Wait, we do on occasion. Anyway. Whatever happened to the warmth, comfort, convenience, and intimacy of people's homes? Why do the majority of activities have to be for either the "usual suspects" of a stake FHM, or for an entire region? Do we not know anything about what makes a solid, workable group, and what makes a crowd?

But I suppose I digress, while repeating myself. Again. Am I alone here? Does anybody hear me?! AHHHHHHHHHH!!

Wow, that felt good.

Suffice it to say, the problem is multifold and cumbersome, and seems to have not yet really hit the radar of Church Leadership, or many of the active Singles themselves. So, what is to be done?

Should we just wait it out? If not, then what? What's to do?

Some Thoughts on Change

2008-07-30T15:08:00.000-07:00

There is a member of my family who, in the 1970s and early 80s, spent the better part of her 20s and 30s as a Single in the Church. Recently, she described to me the general layout of what the Singles Program was in those days. From what she told me, other than the current tool of email, little has changed.

I know another lady in the Church, around the same age, who after having given up on the Singles Program about fifteen years ago, recently came back only to see that very little had changed in the Program. She then told me that she actually saw many of the same people that she had seen fifteen years ago at the current activities!

After hearing this, my mind turned to the current reality of inactivity within the Singles population of the Church. Because these people leave, it is often difficult to know the real reasons why. Those of us who stay are left to assume why they left. Is it just because they lacked a testimony? Or did a sense of hopelessness in really ever meeting a spouse in the Church finally get the best of them? In other words, did some of these inactive members mistakenly believe that they had to make a choice between God and a relationship?

Whatever the reason(s) for their leaving, it is ironic that they appear to be the ones making the loudest statement on just how they feel about the way things are. Whatever they lost in leaving, it is also our loss. The Church lost part of its population, and the active Singles lost out on being able to meet these people, befriend them, or date them.
There is strength in unity, and the Singles are no exception. I wonder if we could retrieve some of these "would be" active members. We could start by striving to retain our "at risk" brothers and sisters in the Singles Program by 1) reaching out to them by improving the quality of the program, and then telling them about it. This means that we should 2) strive to willingly participate in creating and attending new and different types of activities. But to do this we 3) have to be willing to be honest about what works and what does not work in the Singles Program. I mean all of us: those in Singles leadership positions and those of us who are not.

I can personally attest that no one cares about whether you meet someone in the program more than you, yourself. If you want change, you have to make it. Others may follow and benefit. But to sit and wait for the Program to officially change itself, may be a very long wait. A very long wait indeed.

In fact, this is one of the main reasons that this weblog was created. We, as Singles, need to take a good hard look at what is working and what is not, so that we may be the change that we seek. So, I ask you dear reader, what is and what isn't working in the Singles Program of the Church? In your opinion, how can we make it better?

The Storms of Life

2008-07-29T18:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes God calms the storm. And sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms the child. -Author Unknown

I think of how often this sentiment has been true in my life. Sometimes, when my heart hurt so much I thought it just might be possible to die of a broken heart, I found my pain lifted. And other times, danger all around me, I walked in a bubble, safely unaffected, nothing touching me. I have felt the Lord come and literally rescue me from danger on more than one occasion.

Too often I have to remind myself that this life is a test. Each and every day I must retake the exam; no matter how I did the day before. It is never ending and often tiresome. I said once that there just are not enough sunrises in my life. (I was speaking of beauty.) It seemed that the good was hardly ever there. Suddenly, I was noticing in books, movies, and in every day conversations just how hard life can be for everyone.

And then I realized an amazing thing for me: my heart was broken. Not in grief over the loss of a loved one either in death or breakup. The heartache I had was all encompassing. My heart wept for all things which were not pleasing unto God. My own sins and the atrocities around me. I wept for it all. As soon as I discovered this I began to feel good about myself. I had made a great achievement. Not quite a heartbeat after that thought came another: contrite spirit. I realized I had only gotten half way so far. Ever eager to take on more than I can chew, I decided to have a go at it and asked the Lord's help in getting there all the way, as you may say.

I never learn. I know from experience that next on the agenda is a general falling apart of my life, followed by a series of intense homework assignments, coupled with a physical ailment or two for good measure. I really cannot complain too much. I did ask for it. I just wish the Lord was not so predictable sometimes and surprised me with a “freebie” every now and again. Well, in all honesty, He does. Just not on the really “big” stuff, like helping me not be so full of pride or making me more loving towards my fellow men. (We do have this running joke about street lights between the two of us, however.) I equate these small favors to landing on “Free Parking”, just after someone else took all the money lying there.

At moments like that in my life, when grief and despair are my companions, when tears well up in my eyes, He comes. He doesn't always take the hurt or the problem away, but He comes. We have a relationship. We are friends. We argue. Okay, I argue. But we love each other deeply, and that is what matters. So, the storms can rage all they want around me. I reside safe in my Fathers arms.

If You Read Nothing Else on This Blog, Read This:

2008-07-29T14:12:00.000-07:00

Alternate Title:

In our opinion, there are four different elements to a Singles activity that all Singles need in order for them to meet new potential dates. They are as follows:

1) The number of people present need to be few enough for the possibility of good conversation to occur freely and consistently.
2) Each activity needs to provide new faces as well as familiar faces. In other words, each person going to the activity needs to be able to meet new people, while also having familiar faces to turn to (i.e. "wing-man," or "wing-woman.")
3)All people at the activity need to have something legitimately fun to do, so that everyone has something to talk about besides the typical small talk so common in the "bar scene."

In our mutual experience, we have found that these three elements, along with a good attitude, decide to a great degree whether an activity is a success or a failure. Having said that, we have also come to the conclusion that "Game Nights" at some one's home is the quickest, cheapest way to fulfill all of these squares.

Here is how it is done: First, get a house to use. This can be home of one of the singles in your stake, or the home of a willing married family in your stake.

Second, decide who you are going to invite. In order to insure that new people will be present at each of these Game Nights, it is imperative to constantly invite new people. We have found that the best way to do this is to invite the members of your own stake, and those of one other stake within thirty miles of the party. For the next party after that, invite another stake.

This can be trickier than it seems. We are assuming that the creators of the Game Night are not Singles Representatives (after all, they have to get permission from several camps in order to put on such an event.) But as a regular single, YOU don't. But what you do have to do is get the telephone numbers of the singles in whatever stake you are interested in inviting. (We suggest using the telephone and/or snailmail rather than email in order to keep other non-invited singles from showing up in large numbers.) So encourage those who you contact to not go out and invite everyone they know to the event because you only want less than thirty or so people to come to the Game Night. We repeat, you do not want more than thirty people or so at any Game Night. Any more than that, and it becomes a crowd (just like most other unsuccessful activities we have all been to...too many people milling around a room looking at each other all night usually making forgetful, un-fun smalltalk.)

Third, make it cheap and fun by encouraging the guests to bring food and games. And have a great party. We believe you will. We have seen it over and over in our experience, and it consistently works.

Fourth, do it again every month or two with a different stake each time.

Oh, a few other tips for success at the party. 1) Do not have loud music at the party! This means no karaoke machines. Movies are not recommended either. Both serve as conversation inhibitors. Remember, people really want to talk to each other and have good conversation more than just about anything else you can provide them. 2) If it is kid-friendly, have a room set up for the kids with games, video games, etc.... 3) Let the party go late, if it wants to. Just make sure that the Spirit does not leave. 4)When you plan the party, try to not have it on the same night that some big Singles event is happening. However, don't feel that you have to have your party only on a night that nothing else is happening in the region. (Remember, YOU are what is happening in the region!) 5) For every ten people, there needs to be a separate game provided in a separate room. This means, that you may have two or three games going on at the same time (one in the living room, one in the dining room, and one in the garage, for instance.) 6) After the party, tell all of your friends about it, along with the template that we are describing here.

So, why do we want you to read this post so much? Because we believe that if the singles of the LDS Church make this the standard format for what an activity is (rather than dances, volleyball, Firesides, etc...) then we all have a chance to get what we want out of activities (a phone number, a date, a friend, and eventually maybe even a spouse.)

We believe the reason why so many do not achieve those things from typical activities is that there is usually little opportunity to HAVE ENOUGH LEGITIMATE FUN with a person to ever feel comfortable enough to ask for that phone number. Think about it. If a person cannot figure out if he/she likes a person enough to have a conversation with them, why would they want to put themselves though an entire evening...and all other anticipations a date can create in someone. In other words, that is what initial conversations are ALL ABOUT, and always have been for that matter. A conversation is a prelude to more, but only if you want more. But how do you know one way or the other when you are in a room of 100 or more people, with the lights low, and the music blaring? Or how do you do that when every small activity you go to consists of the same people you see at every other activity (sometimes the same people you see at Church on Sunday?)

As a last thought, imagine meeting some of these new acquaintances at a dance or Fireside in the near future. You will likely have much better odds of good conversation beyond "great cookies...and punch!"

May the force be with you, always.

Photo Ablums

2008-07-28T13:50:00.000-07:00

I flip through my album of photo's and memories
The rocks and the mountains, lakes, rivers, and trees.
So many people and places I once have seen
The emotions are churning, my heart pure and clean.

I would rather not look at this thing called the past
Moments they come and go, never promising to last.
The could'ves, the should'ves, the maybes and dead hopes
My life is full of never's, no's, not now's, and nopes.

True, blessings have poured down from heaven upon little ol' me
My car runs, my kids love me, and we are sealed as a family.
But, just as the lakes, rivers, mountains and streams are unbroken
The Middle Singles Program remains the same: a pitiful token.

The photo albums of yesteryears at the dances and firesides
Are no different from the future: they're using the same guides.
Faces come and faces go, but not for the reason you suppose.
They leave in disgust, discomfort, displeasure, unwilling to disclose...

Their pain and loneliness to those not truly concerned.
You see faith, hope and trust are better enjoyed when they're earned.
Many will sit in judgment and say it's their own fault and choice
While yelling so loud they do not hear the others soft voice.

It is hard to be single, attend church, plus the activities
You see a single member addresses married as “Your Majesties.”
Then humbly bows their head in fear and disgust
Wondering who in the world, but another Single, can they trust?

The Prayer of Serenity

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change
The things I can.
And the wisdom
To know the difference.

May Singles in the church show more courage than caution.

How would it be if there was a different way for activities? A better way?! There is! Imagine activities where you knew you would meet someone new. Imagine a place, warm and cozy, with new faces, old faces, and it is not in the dark and you can hear when people talk. Speaking of that, imagine an activity where you CAN talk. Talking is allowed, desired, nay, encouraged and even EXPECTED!

There is such as idea. Check out “If you read nothing else on this blog, read this” to find the complete details.

Is it Really Possible to Date Non-Members?

2008-07-27T13:50:00.000-07:00

How is it done? I mean really. How can a temple endowed single member of the Church really have a relationship with a non-member?
For me, experience has dictated that sex-before-marriage is, more or less, a requirement within a matter or months (or weeks) in such a relationship. And just as often, the subject of marriage comes up simultaneously whenever sex is brought up...which inevitably brings up the word "marriage" way too quickly. Either situation usually stops the show right there.
I am wondering what other singles' experiences are in such relationships, and how it they can be done with success. I am also interested in your dating and relationship disasters from such pairings. Personally, I have never been able to sustain a relationship with a non-member for more than a few months for reasons stated above.

Old News from the 4077th

2008-07-25T11:10:00.000-07:00

Time shows its passing in the most benign and pleasant of places.

So, a friend of mine lent me the first season of M*A*S*H* last week. I have been addicted ever since. Having been a passive fan of the show, this is significant; for I take pride in the fact that I am not usually taken in by any TV show, past or present. In other words, if I watch any one show for three consecutive weeks, it's an anomily. To me, most sit-coms and evening dramas are a far distant second to a good PBS documentary, a non-fiction book, or a nap.

But as I watched one episode after another, laughing childishly the entire time, I concluded that had the show premiered today it would be as well received as it was in 1972. This sudden and extended revisitation with M*A*S*H* took me by complete surprise...and I found myself analyzing why I love this show so much.

I have my suspicions. First of all, the lines out of certain characters' mouths are timeless, perennially hip, and purely hilarious (specifically Col. Blake, Radar, Major Frank Burns, Hot Lips Hoolihan, and Hawkeye.) Ahhhh, Hawkeye. What a character! What lines! Then I noticed that another reason the show never feels "dated" is because everyone is in military garb, which always stays in style because it hardly ever changes.

Having been baptized in all things M*A*S*H* for well over a week, I decided to explore what Wikapedia had to say about the show, along with some details of the actors who for eleven years filled the screen with an olive-drab world filled with audible laughter. I was stunned by what I saw: Col. Blake and Major Burns are dead...and have been for years. Hot Lips is 7o; Hawkeye, 72. But I had been corresponding with their young versions for well for over a week and could not immediately bring myself up to date with their very real agedness. The emotion I was experiencing was something akin to sand falling from my fingers, or time running out in a race. How did these people get so old so fast?

Late last night, with a reluctant and somehow foreign pit in my gut, I went back to the remaining four unwatched episodes. Every wry Hawkeye grin had a twinge of sorrow in it. Every endearing Burns-Hoolihan love moment possessed the campy cuteness of

a "first kiss" by two ten-year-olds. All at once, the actors had become the playful shadows flitting about the playground...and with the early evening overcast, gone.

In 1983, what was left of the M*A*S*H troupe marched out of the 4077th and onto other dreams, obligations, other sitcoms, cinema, theater, and the rest of their lives. For those of theoriginal cast who remained on the series from beginning to end, their tour of duty had been nearly four times as long as the real Korean Conflict. Did the show really last eleven years? I am sure that time went fast for

all involved.

For me, time shows its passing in the subtlest of ways: In an old song heard while driving on the highway on a random Tuesday morning, 3am. A child's accidental grown-up facial expression, there and gone in a trick of the light. Or maybe the shape of the moon swimming in a sea of clouds in a late autumn midnight. Usually, these moments, cathartic as they are, can be all but forgotten within a space of hours...leaving me free to feel unconvicted, not guilty, and still safely young. Not so with this last one from old snapshots of the 4077th. What can I really say? That I'll never see M*A*S*H* again without it creating a paradoxical sense of urgency? Maybe. Maybe not. I can hope for as much.

I Am

2008-07-22T17:02:00.000-07:00

I am invisible. I live in shadows.

Shadows of the past. Shadows of lost hopes and dreams. Shadows

of the lucky ones. The ones who did something that I did not. The ones who found favor with our Heavenly Father. I live in their shadow. I live under a glass

ceiling. I can see, but I cannot partake of the laughter and joy.

The normalness they take for granted.

Despair is my constant companion. I lose her every once in a while but she always catches up with me. Loneliness is my bedfellow. We talk little...there is little to say. Sorrow is my wound that cannot heal. I know a cure exists, but it is not covered in my insurance plan. Anger is my shield. The energy I use to protect my tender parts. Faith is my sustenance. The stuff I feed off of. Sometimes I go hungry. Tears are my currency. The price I pay for living.

I am a Middle Single Adult in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am a minority. I am alone. I am forgotten it seems. I am active in the church, have a calling and attend the temple when possible. I love the Lord and have a testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel. Sometimes I do not feel like I am a part of this church.

When you hear of “Singles,” usually it is in reference to the Young Single Adults. I am heartbroken again and again as I feel passed over in importance...to them; my needs and wants a distant second to theirs.

The church advises us to remain spiritual, upbeat and hopeful while filling our lives with good and wholesome things. This is good advice. In fact, it is great advice. So why does it leave me feeling hollow and empty? Maybe it's because I do not just want to know how to deal with my disappointments. Rather, I want to know how to get rid of them! I want to cast off my singleness and try something new for a change. I do not want to master the rules of dating and never go out on one. I do not want to plan evenings for one any longer. I want the opportunity to meet people, have fun, get to know them, and fall in love.

How intimate is a dance with a room full of people and the music so loud you can hardly think. If I laugh, will anyone be enchanted? If I want to be charming, do I have enough time during a three and a half minute song? All I know about the situation is that the problems in the Middle singles Program will be there until they are not.

The first sentence on page 27 of the August Ensign reads, "From time to time, single life makes me feel like a fish in a tank watching the married world go by." I know that feeling. I feel it every day. It is never too late. Not for anyone. But if nothing changes, nothing changes.

On Hendrixian Mathematics

2008-07-22T16:41:00.000-07:00

Jimi Hendrix wrote several Rock anthems, but his song "If 6 Was 9" sticks out for me these days. Imagine if 6 really were, in fact, 9. All math and measurement would be much different, right? I mean, maybe we should all be going 90 mph instead of 60 on the highway. But, relatively speaking, wouldn't that also mean that we should go 30 mph higher in school zones? Well anyway, I am pretty sure that 6 is 6 and 9 is 9; and I'm happy for it.

But wait. Something similar exists in another corner of popular culture where 30 is 90, 40 is 90, 50 is 90, and so is 60, 70, and 80. In fact, every number above 30 is really 90. What am I referring to? You know it already. I don't have to tell you. Of course, it's the Singles Program of the LDS Church after age 30.

There is little need for me to extrapolate on it. Then again, maybe there is. What I can say with assurance is that the same generation that gave us Jimi Hendrix (the Baby Boomers) are having an "Age Renaissance." And they have some math tricks of their own. They have proven that 40 is the new 30, 50 is the new 40, 60 is the new 50 and so on. People marry (or remarry) late, start third or fourth careers, travel the world, jump into Yoga as a senior citizen, that kind of thing. All in all, it's a healthy trend. And people are living longer. And often happier.

This is not necessarily so in the Mormon crowd. We could learn a few things from our gentile brothers and sisters. Granted, many Boomers follow a far different compass when compared to the value system espoused by typical Latter-day Saints. Some live worldly and enjoy it immensely, without regret or apology. For instance,they may sow their oats after every break up. Should we do that? No. But there are things we should adopt by this most dynamic generation in the history of the world. When something does not work for them, they tend to change it without too much concern about whom they may be surprising, inconveniencing, or upsetting. As a result, they often get what they want. So for instance, they are far more likely to achieve a warm hand to hold during their twilight years than, say, we are. (Mind you, their twilight years tend to begin somewhere after ages 65-70, while ours often rears its head around the ripe old age of 30.)

And if that is true, then what happens to our Middle Single graduates (our45+ crowd, and our senior citizens?) Well, more often than not they grow old, alone…and eventually, they die. They are tolerated by our younger Middle Singles who sometimes get irritated by "old men making moves on me."*** But for the love of Pete, where are these people to go in order to meet ANYONE? They have no program of their own, donch-ya know? (I mean yes, the Middle Singles Program does not exist on paper, but the Senior Singles Program does not exist, period, dot, the end. Is this not so?) (And don't tell me that the official "Singles Program," a catch-all program for anyone from 30 to 101 suffices for this. We all know better.)

***I know, I know. But "Sean Connery gets sexier the older he gets." Right? (I heard this from a 30 year-old woman as she was complaining about old men chasing her around on the dance floor.) (Again, sorry. I couldn't resist. Great topic for another post. Just so you know, I feel for these younger women...but I also feel for these older men, and women.)

As an old man pushing the ancient age of 40 (also known as 90), I have heard the quiet complaints of saints twenty years my senior who, for fear of making an unwanted comment, quietly voice their woes in short, timid brevity. They break my heart. Such an unnecessarily hard road to heaven. Such early emotional death.

That historic little sector of the Boomer generation known as "Hippies" later traded in their lofty naivete and excessive sensory stimulation for other things like retirement stock options and healthier sensory stimulation(s) such as environmental consciousness, or Thai Chi. But as a whole, the entire Boomer generation, of which ex-Hippies are a part, changed again and again right along with their continual pursuit of what they consider "right." Many got there by rugged individuality, a deep sense of inner awareness, and connectedness with self and others. They also got there, consciously or unconsciously, by teamwork. Their sheer numbers have been a critical element of their success (something we share with them.) In any case, they defined and redefined the American marketplace. They simultaneously reestablished and extended what is considered "young." And while they were at it, they created their own lobby, AARP, supposedly the largest in Washington.

We singles could learn from Boomers. For starters, we could adopt their sense of emotional self-awareness by beginning to ask ourselves and each other, "Am I happy with things as they are in the Singles Program?" Why or why not?" If not, what can I do about it? What can we do about it?" From there, we might follow their philosophy in terms of the necessity of change, growth, and interconnectedness. In other words, we could start acting on our findings (and begin using our free agency for a change.)

Let us not forget, good things usually come to those who but ask. But the question here is obviously "What do we really want?"

In the Beginning, God Created the Earth. Then We Created This Blog...

2008-07-21T09:43:00.000-07:00

Then, we asked you, "What do you consider to
be a "good Singles activity? Why?"
Then, you said....