Tourniquet

One day my son came home from school and told me about a situation he did not know how to handle. There was a kid who was mocked and made fun of at school by others. It was not your regular bullying situation: it was the kid who was being mocked who would have fit the bullying personality. This kid went to church every Sunday, as did the other kids who made fun of him. This kid went to seminary every morning, as did the other kids who made fun of him. This bothered my son. He was new to the ward and did not know all the history and was looking only at the behavior from an unbiased point of view.

We talked about what was the “right” thing to do and we prayed about it. He tried to address the kids who were putting down the other kid and they justified it with excuses. They said they had “tried” to be nice, but he was still a jerk, so they gave up. My son was at a loss for words, so he said nothing. When he came home, he told me about it and I explained a simple truth to him.

I said when you put a tourniquet on your arm, you cut off the blood flow. When you remove the tourniquet and blood rushes to the part of your arm previously denied life giving blood, it HURTS! We all know how bad it feels to have a leg or arm go “asleep” and then “wake up.” It is painful sometimes, especially if it has been some time without blood flow.

Taking this phenomena of pain occurring when blood is restored, I likened it to the pain we must feel when love is restored to a place it had been denied. I explained to my son that when you have been beaten down, ridiculed, made out as the butt of jokes, told how worthless you are, demeaned, and uncared about, you cut the flow off to certain parts of your emotional being in order to stem the bleeding; to stop the pain. When kindness is restored, when sweetness comes, it is like the tourniquet being removed and greater pain comes because of the restoration of life giving hope. And it does hurt. When you try to uplift someone who is so beaten down with negativity, they lash out at you. They want the greater pain to stop. They are not rational enough to know what is going on; they only feel the pain. The pain overwhelms them and is top priority. The brain is saying: “Do whatever it takes to stop this!” And we do. We lash out in our pain, (hurting those who seem to be causing this great pain in our hearts with their kindness), with our own rudeness, our sneers, and our anger. We are afraid that the pain will not stop.

My son decided to tell the kids about the tourniquet on our emotions and they scoffed at it and dismissed it. So, he decided to give it a try himself. He said he started to stand up for this gruff boy who looked for ways to unnerve people. He told him how good he was and complimented him. And then he saw the truth of the tourniquet. Suddenly my son was getting put down, he was being attacked by this “bully”. He confessed to me a few weeks later that it was very hard to like this kid at all anymore because of the effectiveness of his attacks. He knew and understood the theory and even knew what was happening, but it did not change the outcome. He stopped standing up for someone who did not appreciate it, and everything went back to the way it was. Sort of. He did not really like hanging out with any of the kids much after that and withdrew from them all. They lost out and so did he. I do not fault him for doing so, he is in high school and it is tough enough without taking on someones emotional hurts and trying to heal them in one semester. But he learned a great lesson, and so did I.

When it comes to our interpersonal relationships, those with our friends, neighbors, or fellow church members, I have noticed that we all have painful situations which we usually do not like to talk about. Or if we do talk about it, we do so in an inappropriate manner such as with our friends where we do nothing more than complain and minimize our own wrong doing. We all like to avoid the truth which is very ugly and painful sometimes. We all like to make our lives appear like sitcoms or billboard ads. Nothing makes us more miserable than this, yet we continue in earnest. We suffer because we are not like so and so. We are depressed because we are not rich or glamorous. We constantly compare ourselves to others and wonder why we are so miserable. The grass is all ways greener no matter which side you stand on. There are so many simple sayings about blooming where you are planted and making lemonade out of lemons, yet we shrug them off as stupid or trite when it is the pseudo lives we follow in the media which are stupid and trite.

There are people who need us. They live with us, next to us, and all around us. We have the opportunity today, this very minute, to make a difference in their lives. An appropriate difference which will bring about more good in their lives than anything else. It's like the adage: give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach him to fish and he eats for life. If you give some one a sincere compliment, you feed his soul today. If you teach a person to like themselves, they are strong enough to pass the lesson on to others. Someone gave you the blessings you have. Someone praised you, helped you, nurtured you. It was hard work for them and they had to put up with your bad attitude and your snottiness. Can you not pass on the goodness to another? Can you not bless others as you have been so richly blessed? If you think you are the one who has a tourniquet on their arm, you know what to do: be aware and heal. Yes, I do know how hard it is to do. I did it myself. I had to believe in someone: myself. More than ever before. I had to decide I was worth something. I had to put faith in my Lord and myself and value who I was. I had to curb my temper when the pain started. I was not always successful. And I had to get up each time I fell and do it all over again, even when it was not easy or fair.

There is a wealth of information out there just at our fingertips. The Holy Ghost will guide and direct our efforts for good. We will not fail if we are on the right team. That is the good news of the gospel. Prayer is a powerful tool we have been given and we can use it to do great good in this world. We all know the proper things to do. We do not admit to the less than pleasant parts about how we have to be around people who may swear or speak inappropriately, participate in habits which we know are wrong, or who lack the strength of testimony we enjoy. Boohoo. I do not feel very bad for you if you are whining and complaining. I have to get up everyday just like you do. I have to deal with unpleasant situations and people just like you do. I have to pour my heart and soul out day after day to someone who needs me whether it's my kids, a friend or a stranger who crosses my path. I do it so I can kneel by my bed at night and tell the Lord I did my very best today again. And pray I can do it all over again tomorrow.

The Silent Questions In Our Heads

There is a dance tonight. The question on every singles mind is “Do I stay or do I go?” I want to know the answer to that question. I have to know first why I would go though? Why would I subject myself to this judgment, why would I subject myself to this disappointment? Why would I want to go, listen to some dumb music because “We must cater to all groups here” and eat fattening food and look at people faking it? Why would I do this to myself? I do not even live close to this dance. I have to carpool and spend money on the gas to get there.

If I go, what are my expectations? What do I want to achieve from such a night of socializing? Do I expect a date? Do I expect someone to ask for my phone number? Is it too forward to give out my number to someone who has not asked for it? Would I sit by the phone just as I would if they asked for it, or would I be able to let go of any hope in that case? Would I be able to go and not have any expectations at all?

Where will I find myself at the dance and afterwards? Will I sit at a table or along the wall? Will I go dance even if I have to do so alone? Will I take a walk outside in the night air because I am so sorry I came? Where will I put my hands if I am talking to someone and I am nervous? Where will I look if I am talking to someone I am not interested in and not sure how to let them know? Where will I be next week, next month, next year and does this dance have the ability to change the answers to those questions?

When will I stop worrying about the dances? When will I stop analyzing dances and the games people play in the dating game? When will I be someone who stops going all together and becomes the single old lady in the ward permanently? When will I meet someone who I fancy, who fancies me, and we get married? When will my Prince Charming come and I ride off into the sunset? When do I find myself alone in the house because my kids are all grown up and moved out and I wonder if I have any purpose in life? When will I say I have had enough and leave all together, forsaking my covenants? It has happened to many, why would I be immune?

Who will I see if I go? It has been so long since I went, would I recognize any one? Who will still be there from years ago and what on earth could be worse than seeing them and them seeing me, years after we first met, knowing we are both still single? Who will ask me to dance? Who will catch my eye? Who will be younger than me and who will be older? Who will scare me and who will delight me? Who will talk to me and will I be comfortable talking with them?

And the ultimate question on every ones mind is what will I wear!! I have to look good because I am tried, judged and condemned in the blink of an eye so I have to be perfect. Every strand of hair in place. Makeup must be flawless. My clothes must be top fashion and my shoes without smudge. I must have the looks of a model or I am not worth much. I am scanned and passed by for another. Or maybe no one, but I am passed by, as if I do not matter because I have a body that has begun it's slow decent towards the grave. I know this because I do it too. I judge people automatically, without even being aware of it. I have been trained by society to do this, as have everyone else over the age of like, a minute.

I have fears, hopes, dreams, failings, worries, funny stories to tell, gifts I am supposed to share with people, and a need to be loved. Am I really all that different than you? Yes, in many ways we are different because we were made that way. One of the most amazing things about life is how similar yet completely different we are from each other. It brings us closer and at the same time keeps things interesting. I like me. I think I am a wonderful woman with a great sense of humor, a strong character and a dazzling smile. What is not to love about me that is not equal in everyone else?

Actually, the most important question we could be asking ourselves is why are we, children of a loving Heavenly Father, so very hard on each other when what we are learning from the gospel is how important charity is. Without it we are nothing. Hum. Something to think about. The most important attribute someone can have is charity. Everything else is worthless in comparison. Well, I for one am going to go out and get me as much charity as possible so that someone who values me will certainly get a large serving of it.

Short, Sharp Lessons in Preparing for Love

I had this relationship a few years ago that was life changing. First of all, we were friends for a while before I even realized that we were falling into something deeper. (I was not even initially attracted to her. That changed.) Second, I learned some not-so-obvious things about what people should expect from each other in a relationship.

What am I saying here? I guess I am ready to admit to myself and the world that there is only so much you can do to prepare for marriage. No matter how prepared you may think you are, there will always be little (or big) issues that can only be solved through the act of being in a relationship. We are all to a greater or lesser extend blind-sighted to some of our most invisible flaws, insecurities, and issues when we are single and not in a long-term relationship for a significant amount of time. Is this not so? I can tell you that in my experience it is. I and this wonderful woman I nearly married had what can be termed "incompatible issues." Her insecurities and mine did not function so well together, eventually. Could they have worked themselves out? I believe so. She did not, I suppose. But we loved each other a great deal and it was a great relationship. Drama free? No. But the love was unsurpassed in my world...and she suggested that the relationship was, in several crucial ways, just as fabulous for her. But then there were those other things that made us both scared, impatient, and bewildered. You know, those little misunderstandings on an otherwise perfect day together. Or those big things that kept us almost at an end for weeks...until love and gravity brought us together again for while.

But having overcome the demise of this particular relationship that changed my life, I am left to thank God for it, and to hopefully learn something about myself and how I can become more compatible with love in general. After all, when you have lived more of your life alone, there is always much to learn about one's self, and (again) about love.

If there is any real point to this post it is that I hope that I am able to be patient, hopeful, and kind to whomever I find myself loved by and loving in the future. I hope I remember that, as everyone, we are both injured people doing our best with what we have; that this is a human thing more than an individual thing.

I believe this is a problem for Single Mormons, particularly because we are so concerned with perfection in ourselves...and others. We sometimes forget that the Saviour and Heavenly Father are the the only souls who have a monopoly on perfection. We also forget that, just as we have to learn how to learn our native language, we must also learn the language of love...sometimes again and again...through pain, sorrow, resentment, and anger. I wonder how many of us lose out for years on love just because the one we "once loved" was imperfect in some communicatory way regarding love and loving. So sad for both. Indeed it is so hard to have faith that, in time, love itself will cure many of these fears and foibles. (This is why I believe in long courting...and short engagements.)
I hope we all can find what we are looking for and whom we are looking for. I hope we recognize love for what it is. And when it steps in, with all of its hopeful, fractured majesty, embrace it without hesitation. Completely.

His Loving Arms

I wonder how often The Lord wins by default? How often is He the only thing left? When I was young and in junior high, we rated the guys around us. The lowest rating you could get something like this: “Like, NEVER! Not even if he was the last man on earth!” Not much chance with those odds, are there?

Sometimes, when there has been so much rejection in your life, The Lord seems to be all that is left. To a single brother or sister, “His arm is stretched out still.” has special meaning. The gospel teaches us about The Lords love for us and often offers hope. After many years of rejection by the opposite sex and the seemingly lack of concern by members, there seems to be little left for you but Him. And only Him.

As mortal beings, we have an innate ability to love others. We inherited this from our Heavenly Father and while we are on our sojourn here on earth we wish to develop this love to it's earthly capacity. For too many singles their love is never shared. It never brings forth fruit and it withers and seemingly dies. It is buried so deep it appears to not be there. It has never developed naturally so it stands out as odd because it is. The same way a grown man would look odd if he kept the arms of a baby boy, that same man looks odd to our emotional senses because he has not developed the way nature intended. His growth has literally been stunted. I have never seen a man, fully grown except for little boy arms but I have met men who have not learned how to love a woman.


In the medical arena doctors would study the causes of such an aberration as stunted growth arms. They would run diagnostic tests, take blood samples, delve into the newly opened land of DNA,
and they would have asked for grants, donations and the power to do research because no one deserved the stigma that came form such a physical deformity. They would do this because over one third of the population suffered from this abnormality and it had become an epidemic. (Kind of like being single in the church.) Money for donations would pour in from moved and concerned people. (Mostly concerned that it does not happen to them...)
But hey, money is money and it makes the world go around. Who cares anyway? Right? As long as we find a cure!


Such an obvious abnormality could not be ignored. It would never have been allowed to become so bad in the first place. At the first sign of trouble efforts would have been made to redirect the way things were going in an attempt to protect innocent children from having to grow up into this horrible creature. This monster. And it would be horrible. Imagine half the men you know walking around with the arms of a T-Rex!! He could not cover his mouth when he coughed, scratch his own chin or pick his nose. He would need someone else to do these simple things for him.

There are people masquerading as normal, healthy human beings out there, but they have short arms you cannot see. They never stretched them by working them and teaching them to trust, going so far out there and not being hurt. You see, they were hurt time and time again. They reached for something they wanted and got their hand slapped over and over, until they withdrew their hands and stopped reaching. And their ability to reach was stunted. They did not stop growing because of some natural disorder, but an unnatural one. One caused from toxicity. The poison from rejection. The abuses in their life brought about this emotional deformity. And it is obvious! But no doctor wishes to base his career hopes and dreams on finding a cure for such a malady. No one would establish charity drives or telethons to raise money for research into such a one as he. Ignored, his aberration is made worse, the underdevelopment undergoes mutation, and no longer is he someone you pity or show sorrow towards, rather now you scorn and ridicule. And it is completely socially acceptable to pass such shallow judgment on him. I wish I could tell you it was as simple as an issue of pride, ignorance or even fear. But the problem is as wide and varied as each snowflake that falls from the sky: Unique.

In the end, after sympathizing with the hunchback of Notre Dame, our emotionally mutated man has no recourse but to choose God or nothing as no one will love him. So God wins by default?
It is very tempting to judge and say that such a man would not have chosen God otherwise, therefore The Lord gave him these challenges in order to secure him a place in heaven. What a cop out that is. The truth lies in the very people who rejected him. “When saw we thee an hungered and fed thee naught? When saw we thee naked and clothed thee naught?” I tell you, by ignoring this mans pain and suffering, you have won no brownie points in heaven. The Lord won. But we always knew He would. He won the moment He broke the bands of death and pain and hell. He does not have to lay traps to catch and ensnare us. The idea that His loving arms are reaching out to us still is sometimes enough to make us simply run into them.

I Am Throwing Out The Rule Book

The challenge of being a “good” single Mormon is not fully understood by anyone unless they have lived it for a minimum of 5 painful years. If you have been single, gone to the pathetic activities provided, and dated other singles for less than five years, you have only been given a taste of the agony lived by us old-timers. I have been single for 12 years, and I still feel like I am a young'n. Okay, I was married for 6 months in the middle, but it was so bad of a marriage that I have blocked the memory most of the time.

But that marriage, the bad one, is why I am writing this post. It has all the necessary parts to it to explain the dilemma a middle Mormon single faces out in the “real” world. I will tell my story honestly, while trying to be obtuse so as to not give away identities.

It was a nice Saturday for me. The kids were with their dad and I had a friend over that day. We had fun swimming and then she was too tired to go to the dance. I decided I would go it alone because I did not have much in my life but the dances and I enjoyed what I could get. I still had hope you see. I was barely 30. Still young enough to think there is plenty of time for everything in life. I am still able to fully enjoy all the things I want to achieve. I was getting over the theft of 12K dollars from my last relationship, thought I had learned my lesson, and was almost completely out of debt. In fact, I was looking at buying a house in the near future. I was so happy and excited. I loved my life. I had great kids, I went to church, my son was doing great in scouts and all my kids were doing great in school but the youngest who was not in school, and I was even getting along with my family quite well. If you asked me, I would have told you I had a great life. I was happy.

Then that fateful night I met someone. I recall how silly I was. I had watched other, older women, at other dances and saw how they did not dance with someone they did not know on a slow dance, and they did not dance with anyone more than twice in a row. I adopted these “rules” myself because I wanted to be a “good” girl and not give the “wrong” impression.
I was perched on a rock. He walked up from behind. I could feel his approach. I knew. I was not startled when he asked me to dance. I was not nervous. I was not happy either, just curious how this was going to go. He listened after our second dance to my “rule” of needing to wait before I danced with him again. Sure enough, he was back. Again, we parted after two dances. I felt stupid. What a dumb rule. What did it matter? No one ever asked me to dance all that often. I usually danced with my friend or someone I already knew, more often than not “group” style where you are not “with” anyone. I felt foolish for wasting this attention. So, the third time, I told him I felt comfortable with him and I would spend the rest of the dance “with” him.

Afterwards, we sat in the parking lot of a gas station for 3 hours talking. I remember kissing him. It was exciting. He asked me out. It was a fun date. He was so attentive and I felt all tingly inside. Back at my place, he told me he felt like I was “The One”. Gosh, no one has ever said that to me! (All you more experienced people out there, please keep the advice that this is a corny line to yourself. I know that now!)

Needless to say, we married a few months later. It turned ugly immediately and within two months I was terrified and abused, dislocated from my home and family, and completely shell shocked.

Through all my “years of experience” I still had no idea how to act when someone paid attention to me because no one did. I was not too fat to be looked at, but no one looked. I was the mother of three beautiful kids, but that “scared” men off, as if there were a disease. I had more honesty from non-Mormon men than I did from any Mormon guy. They were honest enough to tell me they wanted to have sex. Most Mormon guys acted pure, then were almost forceful in the end. I wanted all the good and beautiful things I had learned about in church, but I was not finding it. I was doing everything “right”, I had all the rules down, but I was getting no where fast.

I did not call guys. So, they stopped calling me. I did not ask them to dance. So I did not dance. I would not stay out too late or go on another date too soon after the first. All the rules were killing every opportunity I had because all I was doing was setting up boundaries, walls and obstacle courses for these men to traverse through. Why would they want to? There were much easier women to be had. Literally. I held my head up high because I was doing everything “right” but I was not getting what I wanted.

So, a few days ago, when a dear friend of mine told me that even though I may fall in love with someone, I have tons of homework to do before I can feel confident in them, something broke inside of me. Not only do I have to be perfect in the original game of dating, stay pure and not cross any lines yet keep his attention, I also have to interrogate him because I am responsible for my children and they come first? No other words have ever tempted me to abandon them more than those. I have heard them so many times over and over. One friend even said that single women with small children should not even contemplate dating until their children are much older, or even “out of the house”. Do you understand what that means? That means that while you are young, pretty, and full of desire, even able to have more children, you must not because you have a duty to the ones you all ready have. You must sacrifice your hopes, dreams and desires to kids who argue with you, break all the rules as often as they can get away with, and do not understand or appreciate all you do for them. This is life. It is the way it is. I adore my children yet I understand they are individuals I am the caretaker for.

I have a new rule: NO RULES!!! If I want to call a guy, I will. Even 10 times in a row. If he does not like me, I will sense that there is nothing. If I want to dance with someone, I will ask. If they say no, it's their loss, and mine. If I want to spend tons of time with someone because I like them, I will. If I want to have more children, even though I already have some, I will as long as I can. If I have to deal with step situations, I will. Because this life is to be enjoyed. I have looked so far into the future that I have missed out on what is right in front of me. I have looked so far into heaven that I forgot I was on earth. I was so worried about my mansion in heaven that I forgot about the home I live in now. I do not suggest I throw that out completely, I mean that I must combine the two worlds. I matter in both places. You see, I never did get my house. I never did get out of debt until many years later after this guy took another 12K from me too. I now live in a run down trailer with sewage problems. I am not as young as I was those years ago, nor am I as financially sound. But today I believe in myself more than I did then. I had too many rules.

I did pray about that guy. I still pray. I will ask the questions that seem important to me and I will let my “bull----” detector tell me what to pay attention to. And I will pray about what is going on and ask for confirmation that all is well. Asking for proof, at any time during a relationship, takes the beauty out of it. Asking for divorce papers says to me that I am not smart enough to know when you are lying to me. It sets me up for failure. A good liar can keep “proof” from being found out. And you cannot prove all things but by the spirit sometimes. The Holy Ghost testifies of things you cannot know otherwise. This man looked great from the outside, and the warning bells were chiming the whole time, I just had too many rules and formulas in my head to hear them.

You may disagree, but the sad truth is that I am not married. The rules did not get me married, and getting rid of the rules is not guaranteed to get me married either. It is a tragedy I live every day of my life, this singleness. I cannot help but think maybe breaking out of the norm every now and then just might stir the pot, and get a few things brought up to the top that had settled on the bottom.

I Hear Dead Voices

Let us discuss something briefly which may end up as a larger post. Voices. Everywhere. Radio morning shows, talk radio, TV shows, News, campaign commercials, school books, magazines, newspapers, friends (members and nonmembers), strangers on the light rail or bus. Everywhere. Do we even have a choice anymore on what we have to take in? What is it doing to us?

I have no idea, actually. I wish I did.

But I do know what has changed in our culture from certain TV shows. Let's take one I love to hate, "Sex in the City." (I know, I know.) Many women love it. It speaks for them. Even some women in the Church love it. And I have to hand it to them. The show has some great writers.

But lest we miss the point of the show, let us just do a general review based upon a passive, a very passive, male observer:

Four hip women in a large northeastern American city are looking for love in all sorts of places. Not just any love, but the love of the perfect male. This male is rich, successful, "hot", grandly endowed, and absolutely emotionally unavailable for the fact he cannot settle down with one woman. Any other man who possesses anything less than all of these qualities is never, ever enough.... and this causes these women great emotional distress. Try as they might, these girls cannot under any circumstances abide even the slightest notion of compromising their proudly held Everest-like standards. This conundrum causes these poor girls to treat any male but the ultra-A like pawn-scum. In other words, these hip ultra-neo-feminists' mutual pettiness, cruelty, and self-absorption is not just tolerated, but celebrated and perpetuated. Nice.

But back to the males they either ruin or chase forever. Alas, there is one exception. There is one sort of male which draws out these girls' would-be maternal and respectable nature. And this male type that receives quarter to their harsh system of engagement is the gay male. If he his gay he is treated as one of the Three Wise Men, a Sherpa, and a shrink.

Then there was the movie. Although I was told to, I didn't see it. But lots of women did, some Mormon. And yet some of these women, Mormon and otherwise, wonder why a good man can't be found anymore in our society. Gee, I wonder.

Did they ever ask a man?

But speaking of homosexual Sherpas, and seriously speaking, I read a great book by a lesbian author not all that long ago. Her name is Norah Vincent. Her book, Self-Made Man. As preparation for the book she went

underground for 18 months disguised as a man, and went to places men go (bars, bowling alley, the office, the monastery, the strip joint, on dates with women, etc.) She found much wisdom and revelation that all of us could benefit from; such as the fact that men have it harder than women think...and so do women (but neither realize it or know what they themselves do to perpetuate it (often at the behest and whim of the media and popular culture.)) But the fact remains, that we all suffer for it. Singles stay single, marrieds become single (or gay),...that kind of thing. Great book, truly. I can't recommend it enough, nor can my friends who have read it.

So, some voices are better than others, I suppose. And these voices are not created equal; and the bad voices create issues within us that we don't even see, or often even want to see. And if we are being hurt by many of these voices, at what point would we want to know about it, and shut them down? Now? Later? Never?

Sometimes it's almost as if those old Conference talks had something to them after all. I must ask you, dear reader, with all of the voices we let in to our mind, body, and soul, are these men also included? Are they alive or dead in our consciousness? Are they fighting for some sort of quality time in our lives? Remember, matter how much worldly-wise information we receive out there in the electric jungle, if we have not given time to the prophets (scriptural and contemporary), we have not heard what we need to hear. Therefore our lives are incomplete and, to some extent, lost. After all, these men and others like them projected our day even before it arrived completely in all of its Babylonian glory.

But here it is, right before us.

Let us not forget the wisdom of our Fathers. Let us not consider them "dead voices" just because some of them have left this world. Those other worldly voices, having run their natural course, will be dead and gone one day. Dead and gone, often in the space of a few years...only to be replaced by a newer, shinier, sexier, version of the same thing. Anything to keep our collective id tickled.

But truth and wisdom live on...even if in partial hibernation within the last moments of what we know as the Last Days. May be re-read them, savor them, and after having shut off all those other worldly voices which often provide the nutritional equivalent of Cheezewiz, walk faithfully onward.

Best Songs for the LDS Singles' Situation

We invite you to submit the songs that best describle, for you, your feelings regarding the situation you (and the rest of us Singles) find ourselves in. You may include entire lyrics of songs, or just portions. Include as many as you please. This should be interesting, and certainly validating. We welcome happy, sad, country, rock...anything. Have fun!

Here are some to start out:

"Still Crazy After all These Years" - Paul Simon



"An' here I sit so patiently
Waiting to find out what price
You have to pay to get out of
Going through all these things twice.
Oh, Mama, can this really be the end,
To be stuck inside of Mobile
With the Memphis blues again."

- Bob Dylan, from Stuck Inside of Mobile With the Memphis
Blues Again


All I Really Want To Do

I ain't lookin' to compete with you,
Beat or cheat or mistreat you,
Simplify you, classify you,
Deny, defy or crucify you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
No, and I ain't lookin' to fight with you,
Frighten you or uptighten you,
Drag you down or drain you down,
Chain you down or bring you down.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
I ain't lookin' to block you up
Shock or knock or lock you up,
Analyze you, categorize you,
Finalize you or advertise you.


All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
I don't want to straight-face you,
Race or chase you, track or trace you,
Or disgrace you or displace you,
Or define you or confine you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
I don't want to meet your kin,
Make you spin or do you in,
Or select you or dissect you,
Or inspect you or reject you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
I don't want to fake you out,
Take or shake or forsake you out,
I ain't lookin' for you to feel like me,
See like me or be like me.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.

Hazy Shade of Winter - Simon and Garfunkel

Time, time, time, see what's become of me
While I looked around
For my possibilities
I was so hard to please
But look around, leaves are brown
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter
Hear the salvation army band
Down by the riverside, its bound to be a better ride
Than what youve got planned
Carry your cup in your hand


And look around, leaves are brown now

And the sky is a hazy shade of winter
Hang on to your hopes, my friend
Thats an easy thing to say, but if your hopes should pass away
Simply pretend
That you can build them again
Look around, the grass is high
The fields are ripe, its the springtime of my life
Ahhh, seasons change with the scenery
Weaving time in a tapestry
Won't you stop and remember me
At any convenient time
Funny how my memory slips while looking over manuscripts
Of unpublished rhyme
Drinking my vodka and lime
But look around, leaves are brown now
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter
Look around, leaves are brown
Theres a patch of snow on the ground...


Tomorrow Is A Long Time - Bob Dylan

If today was not an endless highway,
If tonight was not a crooked trail,If tomorrow wasn't such a long time,
Then lonesome would mean nothing to you at all.
Yes, and only if my own true love was waitin',
Yes, and if I could hear her heart a-softly poundin',
Only if she was lyin' by me,
Then I'd lie in my bed once again.
I can't see my reflection in the waters,
I can't speak the sounds that show no pain,
I can't hear the echo of my footsteps,
Or can't remember the sound of my own name.
Yes, and only if my own true love was waitin',
Yes, and if I could hear her heart a-softly poundin',
Only if she was lyin' by me,
Then I'd lie in my bed once again.



There's beauty in the silver, singin' river,
There's beauty in the sunrise in the sky,
But none of these and nothing else can touch the beauty
That I remember in my true love's eyes.
Yes, and only if my own true love was waitin',
Yes, and if I could hear her heart a-softly poundin',
Only if she was lyin' by me,
Then I'd lie in my bed once again.

I Know It's Over - The Smiths

Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head,
And as I climb into an empty bed,
Oh well, enough said.
I know it's over, still I cling, I don't know where else I can go, over
Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head,
See the sea wants to take me, the knife wants to slit me,
Do you think you can help me?
That veil bride, please be happy,
Handsome groom, give her room.
Loud loutish lover treat her kindly,
Though she needs you more than she loves you.
And I know it's over, still I cling, I don't know where else I can go, over over over over...
I know it's over, and it never really began,
But in my heart, it was so real and you even spoke to me and said:
If you're so funny, then why are you on your own tonight?
And if you're so clever, then why are you on your own tonight?
If you're so very entertaining, then why are you on your own tonight?
If you're so very good looking, why do you sleep alone tonight?
I know, because tonight is just like any other night,
It's why you're on your own tonight.
With your triumphs and your charms,
Oh there in each others arms.
It's so easy to love, it's so easy to hate,
It takes strength to be gentle and kind, over over over over over
It's so easy to love, it's so easy to hate,
It takes guts to be gentle and kind, over over
Love is natural and real,
But not for you my love,
Not tonight my love,



Love is natural and real,
But not for such as you and I my love.
Oh mother I can feel the soil falling over my head,
Mother I can feel the soil falling over my head,
Mother I can feel the soil falling over my head,
Mother I can feel the soil falling over my head,
Oh mother I can feel the soil falling over my head,
Oh mother I can feel the soil falling over my head,
Oh mother I can feel the soil falling over my head.


Overs - Simon and Garfunkel

Why don't we stop fooling ourselves?
The game is over,
Over,
Over.
No good times, no bad times,
There's no times at all,
Just The New York Times,
Sitting on the windowsill
Near the flowers.
We might as well be apart.
It hardly matters,
We sleep separately.
And drop a smile passing in the hall
But there's no laughs left
'Cause we laughed them all.
And we laughed them allIn a very short time.
Time
Is tapping on my forehead,
Hanging from my mirror,
Rattling the teacups,
And I wonder,
How long can I delay?
We're just a habit
Like saccharin.
And I'm habitually feelin' kinda blue.
But each time I try on
The thought of leaving you,
I stop...
I stop and think it over

A Van Gogh or A Baloney Sandwich?

It has been shown that sometimes, as a thing ages, its value increases. You can see this when you look at furniture, vases, and coins. In fact, I was recently told by a coin dealer that cleaning your old coins actually decreases their value. Go figure?

While art, wine, and knick knacks can improve with time, certain things do not. Electronics, movies, and baloney sandwiches have about the same life span before they become undesirable.


Personally, I have nothing that qualifies as antique in my life...unless you count the Singles Program. The question left to ask myself is whether it is a Van Gogh or a baloney sandwich?

I know my theme is constant: Down with the Singles Program!!

But it is a major sore spot in my life. I wish I had other things to think about and write about. Alas, maybe the above question has already been answered....

Why This Blog Will Never, Ever Be Enough

So, we've had this weblog going for well over a month and have had exactly one (1) person out there who found us and responded. (Thank you Suzanne!!!)

We are still optimistic, however. We still believe that this blog will fulfill the full measure of its creation. Having said that, we also are realistic. We know that the problems with Singles in the Church are far and wide, (some of which are only as fixable as LDS Singles are willing to become aware their of disenfranchised position...and then do something about it.) Of course, this would require these same Singles to explore the reality of their situation in full.

We, the writers of this blog, know from experience just how emotionally difficult (and potentially time consuming) this process really can be. We have been discussing the problems and their potential solutions for over four years. This is not the first effort we have made to be heard both locally, and within Church leadership itself.

As you may guess, we are not satisfied with the help we have received thus far. How could we be? There really has been no change in the Singles Program at any level since well before we were old enough to date. (Granted, on-line dating is a so-called new development...but it has such a disparaging success rate that we cannot in good conscience consider it a viable alternative for LDS Singles. (The reasons for this problem is multi-fold, and deserves its own post.))



For anything to change, we must realize that there are several counts against us. First, we are mortal. We will live out our lives with or without love, and then we will die. At some point in our lives, we might give up being frustrated at being alone, and simply resign from the pursuit. We all know people who have done this. It usually happens sometime in certain persons' 40s or 50s. They just get sick and tired of being sick and tired, and they move on to the rest of their lives...having chucked the heavy baggage of desire and need for human intimacy from the opposite sex. This way they can truly "enjoy" their life for a change, with no inconvenient strings attached to that bitter-sweet sensation felt somewhere within the upper ribcage. No longer are they burdened with that grocery-store crush from that anonymous person among the strawberries (so available and yet so unavailable. So physically near... yet so ideologically, religiously, and impossibly far.)

This is where I should insert the lyrics to the song "Desperado" by Don Henley, but I shall pare it down to "You're losin' all you're highs and lows. Ain't it funny how the feelin' goes away?"

Word up. True dat. Touche. (And another good subject for a future post.)

The second count against us is that most singles go inactive. I will not divulge the percentage on this blog, but anyone reading this should ask their leaders what they themselves believe the percentage is. Suffice it to say, the rumors are more than staggering. And because we lose these people, we lose a good portion of our force for change.
(And let's face it, for anyine with even the beginnings of a testimony, it takes true courage to leave the Church. That same courage could have been better spent trying to formulate change within the Program, instead of bailing out on the whole system.) Therefore it is up to those of us who stay; we must muster the courage...or not. Either way, what most of us consider courageous acts of of change, probably don't even begin to hit the radar. I am not suggesting anything like protest, but we need to make ourselves heard and we need to take charge of our "program." I'm not talking about the official Singles Program here.


Rather, I am referring to the program that we create out the intellect and free agency God gave us. This is what it will take, because change from within appears to be speeding along at the pace of the Earth's tectonic plates. (But remember, Church Leadership is not telling us that we can't do more. So why don't we do more? (This is another good question to be explored in a future post. So please, dear reader, we would love your opinion on this.*))

Third, let us not forget, many of us continue to be in denial for several reasons, not the least of which is shame.

Remember, the title of this post is "Why This Blog Will Never, Ever Be Enough." We wish that the whole dysfunctional system that is the LDS Singles Program could be fixed in the walls of this blog or one like it. But, alas, we would deceive ourselves by even hoping for that.

Truth be told, this blog is just one more passing cog in a wheel that rolls far too slow for anyone's comfort. Just one more anonymous click towards potential progress for millions of people, both now and in the future. But, lest we forget, potential progress is not progress. It is potential, and that alone. And just like potential energy, the movement is in the footwork.

So, let us put on our running gear... and run (not walk) toward new goals for a Singles Program of our own choosing. Godspeed.

I Have a Question.

I have a question. Are we singles supposed to be agitated (to the point of anger) by our single status and the program that "supports" it, or are we to simply be blissfully at peace with it? Somewhere in between? I have tried all three, and while each offer different advantages, none seem to get the job done for what appears to be even the most eligible of us. I often find myself oscilating somewhere between anger and indifference. Again, no lasting peace or solution.

I may sound like a broken record, but that seems fitting for the subject matter: A broken Program. A broken system. A failed modis. Whatever. It isn't working, and sometimes I think that if the Program burned to the ground, at least everyone would have to admit that "Yep. It's time for something new."

In my part of the world, things have not looked this bad since I joined the ranks of Middle Singledom. I live in a western city of over 2.4 million people...not too far from SLC, UT. So, I can't lay the problem on a lack of Mormons or something. The activities...suck. Too many people. Not enough new people. Not enough legitimate fun.

I went to such an activity the other night. It was a game night of sorts, in a cultural hall. Sad and dumb. Dumb and sad. What is it about Mormons that they think the most appropriate place to to do ANYTHING is in a gymnasium? I'm surprised we don't hold Church there. Wait, we do on occasion. Anyway. Whatever happened to the warmth, comfort, convenience, and intimacy of people's homes? Why do the majority of activities have to be for either the "usual suspects" of a stake FHM, or for an entire region? Do we not know anything about what makes a solid, workable group, and what makes a crowd?





But I suppose I digress, while repeating myself. Again. Am I alone here? Does anybody hear me?! AHHHHHHHHHH!!

Wow, that felt good.

Suffice it to say, the problem is multifold and cumbersome, and seems to have not yet really hit the radar of Church Leadership, or many of the active Singles themselves. So, what is to be done?

Should we just wait it out? If not, then what? What's to do?