My Lamp And Oil

I sit here thinking. I am sad. I cannot fake it as much as I used to be able to. I think of the gospel and what I have been taught. I recall a talk not too long ago, I think it was in General Conference, but I am not sure exactly. In this talk it was said that every sin I commit today is another drop of blood Christ had to shed for me so long ago. At first, I thought about this and everytime I did something wrong, my thoughts went dramatically to another red spash on the ground, mixing with the ones prior, all because of my wickedness.

I think of those drops now. Along with the drops I am to put inside my lamp. Bit by bit, I am to build my testimony, live righteously and gain knowledge and understanding. Yet, day by day, those red drops keep falling, seemingly faster than I can fill my lamp. I cannot keep pace with them. The harder I try, the more I seem to fail.

I wonder how many hopes and dreams, now dried up, He had to pay for? I wonder if my savior thought of me, as I am right now, as He bled? I wonder if He thought about the LDS Middle Singles Program as those precious drops fell? I wonder how many dances are in that puddle at His feet? How many? I wonder.

I think of the alarming news we hear about, yet one piece of news is not mentioned, though it is most alarming to me. The singles represent the largest "group" in the Church, yet they are the smallest number in attendance. Why is that? Because they do not go to church. It's easy to figure that one out. Many will say it is for foolish reasons, the most insulting, yet most common, is that they did not have a strong enough testimony.

I recall a story from my youth. In it a young boy asked his grandma why she went to church every week even though she knew so much about the gospel all ready. The wise old grandma told the boy to take a pail and fill it with water and bring it to her. As he did, the water seeped out of holes rusted through on the bottom. By the time he got the bucket to her, it was empty. She told him that this bucket represented her spirit each week at church. She went to fill it up, and as the days passed, it became empty, and she had to go back to fill it back up again.

Sometimes I go to church and my bucket is not filled.

Sometimes I go to a singles activity and feel like someone busted out the bottom of my bucket.

Sometimes I go to bed at night, unable to sleep because of the pain in my heart.

I have holes in my lamp. That vessil meant to keep my testimony safe and secure, is leaking. If I spend time patching it up, then I am not filling it. If I try to fill it, then the holes just seem to get bigger and it leaks faster. I really wish there was a "do-over" button in life.

Waiting In Line For A Miracle

I watch as others around me have answers to their prayers. The big ones I mean. The miracles we tell over and over as faith building examples.

These do not build faith for me. They make me sad and depressed and lonely. I feel...forgotten. Forgotten by everyone. Especially Heavenly Father.

Today He showed me that I am not forgotten. He sent a messenger to explain something I had forgotten. That is, the time it takes for a miracle to happen.

Let's go back to 3 Nephi. Christ has the power to bless everyone all at once. He has the power to heal everyone all at once. But He chose to bless and heal the people one at a time. It was not meant to be a showing off of His mightiness, but a tender moment of love between two individuals.

He asked for the children to be brought to Him. And then he blessed them. One at a time. Someone was first. Someone else was last. But each was known by name and loved and blessed equally. I am in line. Waiting for my miracle to still come.

I can see Him. He is not too far away from me right now. And when the person in front of me is finished, I will hear Him call out my name, as He extends His hand out to me in love. Then it will be my turn to be blessed. Then it will be my turn to bask in His love. Then it will be my turn to be healed form my wounds.

I will shed tears of joy and the time spent waiting will be as nothing. That is the miracle of Christ and His infinite atonement. Amazing.

The Dance. (Or Was It?)

My daughter went to a dance for the Young Men/Young Women the other night. She came home and was telling me about it when I interrupted and asked for clarification. I asked how many times she was asked to dance. Once. And it was the last dance by a non-member. I joked and told her she was well on her way to knowing how it would be at a Singles Dance when she grew up: Getting dressed up pretty, spending your time “listening” to the music, hanging out with your “girl” friends. Not getting asked to dance. Not spending time getting to know how to act in any normal way with a boy at all. Not telling jokes and making someone of the opposite sex laughing so you may gain confidence in your ability to attract.

I was devastated.

I have wondered how we came to be at this point; in our world, in our church. I remember my mother telling me stories about how much fun it was to go dancing and roller skating and how guys asked her to dance all the time and she flirted like mad with them. She was beautiful and she felt it. I guess you could say that sometime in the 60's, (probably in direct correlation to the “women's movement”,) it all fell apart. Women wanted to be treated as equals, (not the same,) but somehow it all became warped. Now we must reap the limited harvest of such events.

This is a touchy subject. So what. It's not like I leave anything alone, do I? I am not against the movement and I am not thinking women need to be put in their place. Quite the contrary. I believe that the eternal roles of man and woman need to be learned here on earth. In fact, the same daughter who went to the dance asked me what our Mother in Heaven's role was. Such deep thought from someone so young should not astonish us. I was unable to give her a clear answer, but she summed it up herself and said, “She loves and teaches us.” Such simple words for such profound subject matter.

Too often, in general, we as Children of God give up too easily and put up with too much. The adage: “how much crap you put up with is exactly how much you will get” is profound. It involves great anger, indignation and tough words. However, the opposite which involves being cowed, brow-beaten, demeaned and made fun of is equally profound and requires consideration. Neither tells the whole story, you see. Both are one-sided and highly prejudicial. Neither involves love and forgiveness. Neither is meek and submissive or long-suffering. Neither gets to the real problem which is that we all have pain in our hearts which hurts us all the time and needs to be healed. Neither attitude gets you more friends. You may say being cowed is being meek, but it is not. Meekness is strength in character and has integrity. Being brow-beaten is not submissive, it is abuse. We constantly accept fake pearls for the real thing.

Back to the dance. I will let my daughter go to these simple dances and let her see for herself just how correct I am in my opinion of them. She must learn for herself that there is little out there for members of the church in regards to our eternal progression. (By that I mean getting married.) She will learn for herself that issues are never addressed. Problems never fixed. Boys and girls always hide out in the corner or only dance with the “model” people. If you speak out against the system, you are brow-beaten into submission. And finally, if you want to get married, there most certainly has to be a better way to do it than going to a Singles dance on Friday night. Amen!

Love

I love men. I love them when they are trying to be macho and slip and fall, then get up and act like it was meant to turn out that way. I love how they come up when you are struggling with fixing something and get involved, the pipes break, and water spews everywhere and it's all much worse now. I love how they laugh and slap each other on the back very hard, then do it again harder like it's now a contest to see who can hit the hardest.
I love how they will not ask for directions because they just cannot be wrong in front of a woman. I love how they open the door for you, even though you are completely capable of opening it yourself. I love how excited they get when they find out they are going to be a daddy, hiding the tears in their eyes because they have such profound love deep inside it just squeezes out. I love how they pay for dinner and buy flowers and chocolates, then silently pray you will not eat them because they really want you to stay skinny. I love how they lay around on Saturday, watching sports on tv, yelling at their team and cheering like this is a life altering event. I love how they kiss, how they hold me tight and make me feel safe.

I love watching men work.
They are focused, determined and quite efficient sometimes. I like watching a group of men work. It's all that above times ten. I love listening to them keep the distance from each other, yet knowing the score and when to step in and do something. I love it when they hurt and stand stoically by as someone else gets to cry. I love how they do not wish to disappoint people and silently take a beating because someone is depending on them. I love how they have big strong arms that can move large objects around again, and again, and again, until it is just right, never complaining because it will make you happy. I love how they will get angry and then not know how to say sorry because they love you too much and they wonder why on earth you are still there with them.

I love men who dig in the dirt, who are computer geeks, and owners of companies.
They are God's in training. They are about the be in charge of creating worlds and making sure everything runs smoothly and on time, without any kind of dress rehearsal available. I imagine a potential God, putting his head together with some buddies, shuffling through pages and pages of diagrams, ideas, and models, trying to come up with the perfect plan on how to do this. I can see them, finally, getting things going and the half-hugs as things work out right, and the cheers and words of congratulations. I can imagine how gratifying it will be for them to be in that moment.

And then I see his wife walking up, interrupting the moment. Suddenly no one else matters but her.
She is his life. His purpose. His everything. She is why he works so hard to make things so perfect. She is why he struggles and thinks so hard about what he needs to do. She is his ultimate goal and meaning in life. When she looks out over his new creation, he needs her approval. He needs her joy and appreciation. He needs her to say, “Well done.” Nothing any guy could say will ever compare to those simple words from his eternal companion. If she complains, points out imperfections, or lists the things not yet done, she has broken something deep inside of him which is most tender. And now all joy is gone for him.

There is no shame in seeing what is good in another person. I for one and grateful to the men in my life who do so much for me. It is probably imperfect, but so is my cooking and cleaning sometimes. My dear fellows, I love you, I admire you, I respect you. You should stand up and take a bow. You deserve a standing ovation for your labors. I truly love men. And it makes me a greater woman to be able to admit it.

Emotional Oxymoron

Love is not something you take. You give it. Love is not something you seek. You find it. Love is not something you can live without. You will die.

Ever noticed how when someone is not being loved they kind of lose it. It's in many movies. I just watched one where a boy is on a team and his father is the coach. But the father favors another player over his son. The next thing you know, this son is destroying everyone around him. It's because he seeks his fathers love, but cannot make his father love him. It's crazy how that works.

In any relationship when you want someone to love you, and they do not, you act in a manner you would not naturally. I recently read that if someone commits suicide it is because they have lost all hope and see no other way out of whatever they are struggling with. Made sense to me. I have had those thoughts from time to time, as I am sure many of you have too. I think it is a natural thing to think, kind of like the idea that this life is really just someone having a dream or something like that. It is just a coping thing we do I think.

So, when we are starving for love, we act weird. Let's face it. But when we are around someone starving, we do not feed them because they are embarassing. You know what I mean. Ever paid attention to someone you were just trying to be nice to for a minute and then they would not let you go until you had to be mean? Well, there is a reason for that. They are ravenous and crazy with it. Somehow, somewhere, they were cut off from a steady supply of love and they are emaciated from it emotionally. It is an ugly sight to see and we tend to run from it because it scares us.

The Mormon Middle Singles Program is full of these people. They have dark circles under their eyes. Dead eyes look out over those dark circles, right above fake smiles. The "Program" keeps feeding them cardboard paper cutout pictures of love with air to drink. Cottonballs are the ice cream dessert. This is neither fulfilling nor is it healthy. Many people will defend the "Program" and I feel sorry for them because they have eaten so much cardboard they think it is manna from heaven because it comes from "above".

Wake up. Smell the coffee, the roses, or the crap on the bottom of your shoe, but wake up. It's Fall and the Holidays are here. You are alone or probably in some pseudo relationship being torn apart by so many things going against you the only chance you have is if we go back to arranged marriages. I recall all my past romances and there was something missing from each and every one of them: ME! I was not involved because I had the wrong idea about what I wanted and how I was supposed to feel and what I was supposed to do. Stop getting advice from people who are clueless or worldly. Get it from the best place. All good things come from the Lord, so ask Him. Then get out of the way when needed or get down and dirty to bring your own happiness to pass.

We each have our agency. We are told that the only thing we have to give the Lord is our will. Well, the only thing we have to give each other is our love. It is a gift. From me to you. From you to me. Sometimes it is above and beyond anything else in life and it brings such joy you hang onto it for an eternity or longer. Do not belittle what the Lord created by stuffing it in a box and trying to make it look like what someone else has. That is denying what is unique about yourself and the other person in your relationship.

Why am I giving advice? Because I am tired of all the soap opera drama that goes on in the Middle Singles Program. I am tired of watching people flinch from anything real because they do not know what real is. Real is something that stays with you for longer than a moment. Real is something that you talk about for years. Real is reliving it and wanting to go back to it. A real activity would have interraction and laughter. A hike on a Saturday morning would do. A co-ed flag football game would do. I want something other than a recycled dance and firesides which do not help me in any other way than to expound my spiritual knowledge of the gospel. I have had enough of that. I want to be alive at a Middle Singles Activity, not feel like a robot. The dance has become the "Johnny One Note" because it's the only thing going. A game night at some one's house with 20 people would be more alive and real than 5,000 dances.

I am tired of watching the Lord's elect be deceived by the adversary and not even know it. Fight back. Remember, we are on the winning team. Act like it.

The Wall

I saw the wall he had built around himself to keep the pain out. I saw how high it was and how thick. It had been built over a lifetime from the pain of rejection and sorrow that comes from living. I saw how beautiful it was. The masonry was perfect. It's seams flawless. No hand holds, no way to grip it and climb over easily. It had to be torn down to get through.

So I tried. I bloodied myself as I beat against it. I was strong. I knew his pain so I persevered. I bashed myself against it, taking each beating in stride as I watched cracks appear every now and then. I ignored the pain in my shoulders, my back and the blood on my hands. I tore at it, I ripped at the stones as they slowly came loose.

I wondered if I had enough strength in me to do this task. I worried that I was not good enough to win his love. I knew he needed me. I knew he needed someone to just love him enough so he could be free of the wall he had built around himself. I knew he needed someone to rescue him from his despair. So I clawed at the wall before me.

I had seen his beauty. I had seen his goodness. I wanted to set it free so he could soar high and live freely. I needed to do this thing because that is what we do; we help others in need. I was trying to help those who were less fortunate than I was. I was trying to do the impossible. And I was amazed with each piece of the wall that came down. It was so large. Larger than I ever believed. Thicker than I ever thought possible.

But I kept at it. I kept digging and pulling and shredding until, finally, I realized the wall was not his, but mine.

Just a Reminder

In my part of the world, in my region, we seem to have a bit of a problem that I truly feel I should share with you. Supposedly many of the single women in our region like to get together and talk about the men, as well as some of the other women. They like to talk alot, it appears. Sometimes it is jealously, other times is seems to be just "something to talk about."

Many of the local men have figured it out and are afraid to date these women for fear of being talked about. It is not a ridiculous fear. Let's face it. Most relationships do not end in marriage, but they often end with both parties knowing very personal


information about each other. And who wants to risk getting their personal lives plastered to the wall, as it were?

There may be men who are partially responsible for this as well, but is appears to primarily be a female activity. There are even men who have expressed the fact that they no longer want to date Mormon women for this reason. Can you blame them?

This dynamic seems to happen so often in large groups that it may appear to be acceptable and normal for Single Mormons to do the same. And even if it is unacceptable, it may appear inevitable and that there is nothing that can be done about it... so it therefore becomes acceptable on those terms. If so, then I ask you: Are entire generations of people who do not get married is also acceptable? Can we as adults in the Church of Jesus Christ afford to be so willfully ignorant as to let ourselves believe that this behavior is acceptable or inevitable? I think not. Instead, let us keep as secret by keeping a secret (not by telling one person while telling them that it is a secret.) Let us realize that everyone has baggage, just by the virtue of living, and that married people are just as prone to having problems as singles are (except that they often can keep their problems and personal weaknesses under wraps.) Let us be Christlike in this aspect and give everyone, including ourselves, a running chance at finding happiness in this lifetime.

I mean really, after all the trials we all experience in this life, do we really need this issue to add to it? Until we fix this problem, we all are at risk, and no one is safe. And it is not the office that knows too much about us, or the extended family. It's the region, as in potentially all the singles in the city that you live. So, is it a problem, or is it a problem? I assure you that is indeed a problem. Your's, mine, everyone's.

It's All About the Fun and Laughter

Don't let them tell you different.

Fun and laughter. That's what I am talking about. Genuine fun. Genuine laughter. The kind of fun that gets you to laughing, alot...along with someone else. Isn't this the stuff that makes people, dare I say, sexy... to themselves and others? Isn't this the atmosphere that gets phone numbers exchanged in the hopes of a similar evening the the near future?

I assure you, this is what the LDS Singles need like their next breath of air. This is why game nights in people's homes with small groups of less than 30 people really works. Not dances. Not game nights in a gym with the entire region. Not firesides. Not conferences. Just a simple activity that has worked for us our whole lives. Just relaxed, genuine fun and laughter that allows you and me to be ourselves.

I guess there is something about unfaked fun and real laughter that just sends the fear in the dating process out the window, and let's you be you, and me be me. Along with the rest of us.

Can you have fun without laughter, or the other way around? Sure. But when people get together, if given the chance to create fun, can give and receive both fun and laughter. And it's so great when it happens. Everyone remembers it. Everyone wishes for more in the future. The fact is, we yearn for it. It is quite possibly the main thing that is missing in the lives of singles today. No? (Again, I am not talking about cynical fun and laughter at some one's genuine expense. Rather, I am discussing the genuine childlike fun and laughter that just strikes up during an evening of having a truly good time.)

The games. You know them. Balderdash, Pictionary, Cranium, Scatagories, Exquisite Corpse, Trivial Pursuit. Even Twister. There are others. Isn't it time we figure out that in the pursuit of finding a good Singles activity, games can truly be our friends? And while we are discussing which activities work, why are dances the standard for Church activities? Isn't it time to give game nights their due, and just give them a chance?

Maybe you think that we the writers of this weblog harp on dances too much, while touting game nights as some Singles program panacea. If so, I only have one question for you: How are those dances working out for you? All I can say is, don't knock game-nights until you have tried them. And don't invite 50 or more people! Invite 20 or 30. It's the difference between a party and a crowd.

Monotony X Tedium ÷ Apathy = FUN!

This is a true story told to me by a friend. The names have been changed to protect the stupid.

My friend went to a party recently. Guess what? Right! It was a Middle Singles Program Party. (Keep reading, it gets better.) This party was touted as being a GREAT EVENT! Tons of fun! Come join and bring a friend! Well, you get the picture. (I bet you've listened to the recording before.) So, my friend went to this wonderful event. And came home depressed. Let down. Dejected. Utterly confused and even angry.

Why? Well, let me tell you what happened. Let's call my friend Sam. Sam told me that the party was at some one's house; in fact, that is the reason he went(he hates gymnasiums.) He knew over 100 people had been invited so he went an hour late in the hopes some of the early bird would find it stupid and leave early so there would be a reasonable number of people there to interact with by the time he got there. First thing he told me was that there was dancing. I could not believe it. Do Mormons know how to do ANYTHING but dancing at an activity? I could not believe it. I know, I said that all ready, but I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT!!! Anyway, Sam said it was a live band too and they were loud and not very good. I can forgive the band for not having talent, but not the activity directors for having DANCING at some one's HOUSE as an ACTIVITY!!!! I CAN NOT BELIE...ok, I'll stop.

Sam found Karaoke downstairs. Wow. This was the entire list of "Fabulous Activities!", "Great Fun!" and he sure wished he had "Brought A Friend." Not because he wanted to share, but so he would not feel so alone. With all that noise going on in your ears, how on earth are you supposed to have a conversation with someone? ESP? You were supposed to bring your own game to this shin-dig, and he had come with one in hand. He was downstairs trying to get two girls to play a game. A simple board game, mind you. And they were not sure they wanted to do that. Let me repeat that: THEY WERE NOT SURE IF THEY WANTED TO PLAY A SIMPLE BOARD GAME!! The music must have been using up too much brainpower, so they had nothing to spare for a simple game. Maybe all that head-bobbing shook things loose and they were not functioning?

Now, the worst part is still to come. After Sam used his usual powers of persuasion, he was eventually getting close to what one might call success in convincing these two girls that a game would actually be some fun to play. (I guess they missed those commercials a few years ago which promoted game nights with your family and how good they were at bringing people together.) When another gentleman, we shall call him George, comes up and starts arguing about the merits of a REAL game and starts talking up the dance upstairs.

Sidebar: Upstairs. One "Hot" guy is up there dancing with like, 7 girls at the same time. I think George, though a "geek", was hoping to be able to hone in on the action and take some for himself. Just a guess.

(Into the present tense.) George is unbelievably successful in convincing these two girls to go upstairs for the dance. George may look smart with those glasses, but he is pretty dumb. Think about it for a minute. 2 Guys. 2 Girls. He has been panting after one of them for an hour, following her like a puppy dog, and he passed up the opportunity to sit down, next to her and play a game that required INTERACTION by design... for dancing. I want to say some pretty bad words right now at his stupidity. I want to bash his head against something hard until sense is knocked back into place and he stops being his own worst enemy. And Sam's.

Why did George do this? Well, my friend thinks it was a "pissing contest" of sorts. Two guys are offering themselves up and the girls have to "choose." I can understand that dynamic of it. But, you guys gotta start to THINK!!! The "hot" guy upstairs was not going to "lose" any pissing contest. Once they went upstairs, the girls left "geeky" George and joined in with the pack all ready dancing with "hotty". That's his name now. Hotty. I wanna go upstairs and dance with him all of a sudden. Bet he's got some number system set up. I'd only have to wait an hour or so.

(Back to past tense.) I wonder, if George knew what happened. I doubt it. He was (is) too plugged into the system, too programmed into doing things a certain way that he did it automatically. I bet George went home very lonely and depressed, just like Sam did. And while Sam understood why, George did not. He just felt worse and will likely feel wors-er the next time he is stupid...and not wiser for it. That's what I said: No wiser for it. Could he be a microcosm for the program itself?

Now, let's go back to the pissing contest? Why? For one thing, George was insecure. He was following this girl and could not get her attention. He butted in on someone else's conversation, which is RUDE! and then dropped the ball. George had (has) no idea how to have fun. George had (has) no idea how to talk to girls. George had (has) no idea what a good time feels like because he had (has) been in the Mormon Middle Singles Program for much too long.

The sad part of this whole thing is that in the end, no one "won." Everyone lost. Sam because he left. He met no one. He lost the time spent at the activity and left feeling worse than when he had gone. Sam regretted going.

George lost because in the end, he lost whatever respect he may have won in winning over Sam, when he lost to Hotty upstairs. (We never forget someone we dump for someone else...and that is a label hard to live down: "Dumped.". George will have an even harder time next time because we just seem to be able to smell "loser.".

Hotty lost because there were too many girls circling around him. (and don't underestimate the truth of this.) He could not focus on just one and talk to her, get to know her. Maybe set up a date. He was only able to be an idol to them, so his idea of who he is and what he is supposed to do in a healthy relationship gets all twisted and misshapen. Inflated ego problems will probably surface if not all ready be showing. How could they not? Then he gets a label of his own.The girls lost. All of them. The men are so busy with their "pissing" contests and the fact that no one is thinking of men as people. The men are sees as wanting only commodities. Hit the girl on the head and drag her off after the battle is won. No matter what she thinks, likes or wants. No matter that she has feelings or wishes. Both sexes are victims of objectification, and both perpetuate it. But you have to wonder, is this less or more apt to happen when the sexes are actually able to speak to each other, as opposed to just dancing all night? I think the answer that this is painfully obvious, even to the casual observer.

Finally, the host lost. They do not even know about the whole thing that happened. They think it was a great party and will probably plan another one "next year." But it was nothing but a big flop. No one met anyone. No one did anything real. No one left uplifted and with more hope than they came with. No one laughed so hard they cried or almost peed their pants. No one left so late that they were sleepy the next day. No one talked about the fun they had, only their disappointments. No one will get married as a direct result of this party. No one will tell their less active friends or non-member friends about it and tell them it was such a good time they really should come to the next one. First, because it was not fun. Second, because it will not be happening again very soon. No one will go home, and while praying, pour out their gratitude to their Father in Heaven because of the wonderful programs we have in our Church and how blessed we are to be a part of them.

I feel like I lost something because of this party too. And I didn't even go.

The World Ends With a Whimper II

This is a continuation of the first "The World Ends With a Whimper" written two days prior.

So, what happens on the grander scale when over-sexualization becomes the mainstay, the norm, the modis for human communication? Well, initially (as was discussed in the previous post) the world gets to be a harsher, more emotionally isolated place to be.

But what next? This is just a guess, but here goes: People end up becoming more prone to falling for government promises to make everything better from "goodwill toward men" to "a chicken in every pot" to "I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony." Great ideas. They are very noble in and of themselves for any and each person to aspire to. But from the government? I mean truly, can the government ever replace the


responsibility for human kindness that is the God-given responsibility of every person on the planet?

But it makes for good campaign speeches by politicians with other motives. And like sheep, so many good and sweet folk flock to the sound of promises of panacea.

Does this seem like anything like what we are witnessing today? I could wax quite political at this point...since it is election season, and the American consciousness seems to be split in two inconsolable halves.

But I won't.


What I will do is ask you, dear reader, a question that I myself cannot yet solidly answer, other than with what I believe to the the simple truth of "No Jesus, no peace. Know Jesus, know peace." What else can we do? What do we do about the fruits of oversexualization have taken hold (anger, apathy, greed, etc...?) What now? Do we simply sit and wait for the Second Coming and raise the white flag, or do we live in a way that strives retain a more pure and innocent corner of the world for others to discover and follow? Do we try to convince our non-member friends of the value of not subscribing to on-line porn or the softer porn of popular culture? Do we eschew the mass anger and cynicism that can be found everywhere (even in ourselves?) Besides us just turning it all off, is there more that we can do? If there is, I am ready to do it.