I Am Throwing Out The Rule Book

The challenge of being a “good” single Mormon is not fully understood by anyone unless they have lived it for a minimum of 5 painful years. If you have been single, gone to the pathetic activities provided, and dated other singles for less than five years, you have only been given a taste of the agony lived by us old-timers. I have been single for 12 years, and I still feel like I am a young'n. Okay, I was married for 6 months in the middle, but it was so bad of a marriage that I have blocked the memory most of the time.

But that marriage, the bad one, is why I am writing this post. It has all the necessary parts to it to explain the dilemma a middle Mormon single faces out in the “real” world. I will tell my story honestly, while trying to be obtuse so as to not give away identities.

It was a nice Saturday for me. The kids were with their dad and I had a friend over that day. We had fun swimming and then she was too tired to go to the dance. I decided I would go it alone because I did not have much in my life but the dances and I enjoyed what I could get. I still had hope you see. I was barely 30. Still young enough to think there is plenty of time for everything in life. I am still able to fully enjoy all the things I want to achieve. I was getting over the theft of 12K dollars from my last relationship, thought I had learned my lesson, and was almost completely out of debt. In fact, I was looking at buying a house in the near future. I was so happy and excited. I loved my life. I had great kids, I went to church, my son was doing great in scouts and all my kids were doing great in school but the youngest who was not in school, and I was even getting along with my family quite well. If you asked me, I would have told you I had a great life. I was happy.

Then that fateful night I met someone. I recall how silly I was. I had watched other, older women, at other dances and saw how they did not dance with someone they did not know on a slow dance, and they did not dance with anyone more than twice in a row. I adopted these “rules” myself because I wanted to be a “good” girl and not give the “wrong” impression.
I was perched on a rock. He walked up from behind. I could feel his approach. I knew. I was not startled when he asked me to dance. I was not nervous. I was not happy either, just curious how this was going to go. He listened after our second dance to my “rule” of needing to wait before I danced with him again. Sure enough, he was back. Again, we parted after two dances. I felt stupid. What a dumb rule. What did it matter? No one ever asked me to dance all that often. I usually danced with my friend or someone I already knew, more often than not “group” style where you are not “with” anyone. I felt foolish for wasting this attention. So, the third time, I told him I felt comfortable with him and I would spend the rest of the dance “with” him.

Afterwards, we sat in the parking lot of a gas station for 3 hours talking. I remember kissing him. It was exciting. He asked me out. It was a fun date. He was so attentive and I felt all tingly inside. Back at my place, he told me he felt like I was “The One”. Gosh, no one has ever said that to me! (All you more experienced people out there, please keep the advice that this is a corny line to yourself. I know that now!)

Needless to say, we married a few months later. It turned ugly immediately and within two months I was terrified and abused, dislocated from my home and family, and completely shell shocked.

Through all my “years of experience” I still had no idea how to act when someone paid attention to me because no one did. I was not too fat to be looked at, but no one looked. I was the mother of three beautiful kids, but that “scared” men off, as if there were a disease. I had more honesty from non-Mormon men than I did from any Mormon guy. They were honest enough to tell me they wanted to have sex. Most Mormon guys acted pure, then were almost forceful in the end. I wanted all the good and beautiful things I had learned about in church, but I was not finding it. I was doing everything “right”, I had all the rules down, but I was getting no where fast.

I did not call guys. So, they stopped calling me. I did not ask them to dance. So I did not dance. I would not stay out too late or go on another date too soon after the first. All the rules were killing every opportunity I had because all I was doing was setting up boundaries, walls and obstacle courses for these men to traverse through. Why would they want to? There were much easier women to be had. Literally. I held my head up high because I was doing everything “right” but I was not getting what I wanted.

So, a few days ago, when a dear friend of mine told me that even though I may fall in love with someone, I have tons of homework to do before I can feel confident in them, something broke inside of me. Not only do I have to be perfect in the original game of dating, stay pure and not cross any lines yet keep his attention, I also have to interrogate him because I am responsible for my children and they come first? No other words have ever tempted me to abandon them more than those. I have heard them so many times over and over. One friend even said that single women with small children should not even contemplate dating until their children are much older, or even “out of the house”. Do you understand what that means? That means that while you are young, pretty, and full of desire, even able to have more children, you must not because you have a duty to the ones you all ready have. You must sacrifice your hopes, dreams and desires to kids who argue with you, break all the rules as often as they can get away with, and do not understand or appreciate all you do for them. This is life. It is the way it is. I adore my children yet I understand they are individuals I am the caretaker for.

I have a new rule: NO RULES!!! If I want to call a guy, I will. Even 10 times in a row. If he does not like me, I will sense that there is nothing. If I want to dance with someone, I will ask. If they say no, it's their loss, and mine. If I want to spend tons of time with someone because I like them, I will. If I want to have more children, even though I already have some, I will as long as I can. If I have to deal with step situations, I will. Because this life is to be enjoyed. I have looked so far into the future that I have missed out on what is right in front of me. I have looked so far into heaven that I forgot I was on earth. I was so worried about my mansion in heaven that I forgot about the home I live in now. I do not suggest I throw that out completely, I mean that I must combine the two worlds. I matter in both places. You see, I never did get my house. I never did get out of debt until many years later after this guy took another 12K from me too. I now live in a run down trailer with sewage problems. I am not as young as I was those years ago, nor am I as financially sound. But today I believe in myself more than I did then. I had too many rules.

I did pray about that guy. I still pray. I will ask the questions that seem important to me and I will let my “bull----” detector tell me what to pay attention to. And I will pray about what is going on and ask for confirmation that all is well. Asking for proof, at any time during a relationship, takes the beauty out of it. Asking for divorce papers says to me that I am not smart enough to know when you are lying to me. It sets me up for failure. A good liar can keep “proof” from being found out. And you cannot prove all things but by the spirit sometimes. The Holy Ghost testifies of things you cannot know otherwise. This man looked great from the outside, and the warning bells were chiming the whole time, I just had too many rules and formulas in my head to hear them.

You may disagree, but the sad truth is that I am not married. The rules did not get me married, and getting rid of the rules is not guaranteed to get me married either. It is a tragedy I live every day of my life, this singleness. I cannot help but think maybe breaking out of the norm every now and then just might stir the pot, and get a few things brought up to the top that had settled on the bottom.

I Hear Dead Voices

Let us discuss something briefly which may end up as a larger post. Voices. Everywhere. Radio morning shows, talk radio, TV shows, News, campaign commercials, school books, magazines, newspapers, friends (members and nonmembers), strangers on the light rail or bus. Everywhere. Do we even have a choice anymore on what we have to take in? What is it doing to us?

I have no idea, actually. I wish I did.

But I do know what has changed in our culture from certain TV shows. Let's take one I love to hate, "Sex in the City." (I know, I know.) Many women love it. It speaks for them. Even some women in the Church love it. And I have to hand it to them. The show has some great writers.

But lest we miss the point of the show, let us just do a general review based upon a passive, a very passive, male observer:

Four hip women in a large northeastern American city are looking for love in all sorts of places. Not just any love, but the love of the perfect male. This male is rich, successful, "hot", grandly endowed, and absolutely emotionally unavailable for the fact he cannot settle down with one woman. Any other man who possesses anything less than all of these qualities is never, ever enough.... and this causes these women great emotional distress. Try as they might, these girls cannot under any circumstances abide even the slightest notion of compromising their proudly held Everest-like standards. This conundrum causes these poor girls to treat any male but the ultra-A like pawn-scum. In other words, these hip ultra-neo-feminists' mutual pettiness, cruelty, and self-absorption is not just tolerated, but celebrated and perpetuated. Nice.

But back to the males they either ruin or chase forever. Alas, there is one exception. There is one sort of male which draws out these girls' would-be maternal and respectable nature. And this male type that receives quarter to their harsh system of engagement is the gay male. If he his gay he is treated as one of the Three Wise Men, a Sherpa, and a shrink.

Then there was the movie. Although I was told to, I didn't see it. But lots of women did, some Mormon. And yet some of these women, Mormon and otherwise, wonder why a good man can't be found anymore in our society. Gee, I wonder.

Did they ever ask a man?

But speaking of homosexual Sherpas, and seriously speaking, I read a great book by a lesbian author not all that long ago. Her name is Norah Vincent. Her book, Self-Made Man. As preparation for the book she went

underground for 18 months disguised as a man, and went to places men go (bars, bowling alley, the office, the monastery, the strip joint, on dates with women, etc.) She found much wisdom and revelation that all of us could benefit from; such as the fact that men have it harder than women think...and so do women (but neither realize it or know what they themselves do to perpetuate it (often at the behest and whim of the media and popular culture.)) But the fact remains, that we all suffer for it. Singles stay single, marrieds become single (or gay),...that kind of thing. Great book, truly. I can't recommend it enough, nor can my friends who have read it.

So, some voices are better than others, I suppose. And these voices are not created equal; and the bad voices create issues within us that we don't even see, or often even want to see. And if we are being hurt by many of these voices, at what point would we want to know about it, and shut them down? Now? Later? Never?

Sometimes it's almost as if those old Conference talks had something to them after all. I must ask you, dear reader, with all of the voices we let in to our mind, body, and soul, are these men also included? Are they alive or dead in our consciousness? Are they fighting for some sort of quality time in our lives? Remember, matter how much worldly-wise information we receive out there in the electric jungle, if we have not given time to the prophets (scriptural and contemporary), we have not heard what we need to hear. Therefore our lives are incomplete and, to some extent, lost. After all, these men and others like them projected our day even before it arrived completely in all of its Babylonian glory.

But here it is, right before us.

Let us not forget the wisdom of our Fathers. Let us not consider them "dead voices" just because some of them have left this world. Those other worldly voices, having run their natural course, will be dead and gone one day. Dead and gone, often in the space of a few years...only to be replaced by a newer, shinier, sexier, version of the same thing. Anything to keep our collective id tickled.

But truth and wisdom live on...even if in partial hibernation within the last moments of what we know as the Last Days. May be re-read them, savor them, and after having shut off all those other worldly voices which often provide the nutritional equivalent of Cheezewiz, walk faithfully onward.

Best Songs for the LDS Singles' Situation

We invite you to submit the songs that best describle, for you, your feelings regarding the situation you (and the rest of us Singles) find ourselves in. You may include entire lyrics of songs, or just portions. Include as many as you please. This should be interesting, and certainly validating. We welcome happy, sad, country, rock...anything. Have fun!

Here are some to start out:

"Still Crazy After all These Years" - Paul Simon



"An' here I sit so patiently
Waiting to find out what price
You have to pay to get out of
Going through all these things twice.
Oh, Mama, can this really be the end,
To be stuck inside of Mobile
With the Memphis blues again."

- Bob Dylan, from Stuck Inside of Mobile With the Memphis
Blues Again


All I Really Want To Do

I ain't lookin' to compete with you,
Beat or cheat or mistreat you,
Simplify you, classify you,
Deny, defy or crucify you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
No, and I ain't lookin' to fight with you,
Frighten you or uptighten you,
Drag you down or drain you down,
Chain you down or bring you down.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
I ain't lookin' to block you up
Shock or knock or lock you up,
Analyze you, categorize you,
Finalize you or advertise you.


All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
I don't want to straight-face you,
Race or chase you, track or trace you,
Or disgrace you or displace you,
Or define you or confine you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
I don't want to meet your kin,
Make you spin or do you in,
Or select you or dissect you,
Or inspect you or reject you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
I don't want to fake you out,
Take or shake or forsake you out,
I ain't lookin' for you to feel like me,
See like me or be like me.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.

Hazy Shade of Winter - Simon and Garfunkel

Time, time, time, see what's become of me
While I looked around
For my possibilities
I was so hard to please
But look around, leaves are brown
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter
Hear the salvation army band
Down by the riverside, its bound to be a better ride
Than what youve got planned
Carry your cup in your hand


And look around, leaves are brown now

And the sky is a hazy shade of winter
Hang on to your hopes, my friend
Thats an easy thing to say, but if your hopes should pass away
Simply pretend
That you can build them again
Look around, the grass is high
The fields are ripe, its the springtime of my life
Ahhh, seasons change with the scenery
Weaving time in a tapestry
Won't you stop and remember me
At any convenient time
Funny how my memory slips while looking over manuscripts
Of unpublished rhyme
Drinking my vodka and lime
But look around, leaves are brown now
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter
Look around, leaves are brown
Theres a patch of snow on the ground...


Tomorrow Is A Long Time - Bob Dylan

If today was not an endless highway,
If tonight was not a crooked trail,If tomorrow wasn't such a long time,
Then lonesome would mean nothing to you at all.
Yes, and only if my own true love was waitin',
Yes, and if I could hear her heart a-softly poundin',
Only if she was lyin' by me,
Then I'd lie in my bed once again.
I can't see my reflection in the waters,
I can't speak the sounds that show no pain,
I can't hear the echo of my footsteps,
Or can't remember the sound of my own name.
Yes, and only if my own true love was waitin',
Yes, and if I could hear her heart a-softly poundin',
Only if she was lyin' by me,
Then I'd lie in my bed once again.



There's beauty in the silver, singin' river,
There's beauty in the sunrise in the sky,
But none of these and nothing else can touch the beauty
That I remember in my true love's eyes.
Yes, and only if my own true love was waitin',
Yes, and if I could hear her heart a-softly poundin',
Only if she was lyin' by me,
Then I'd lie in my bed once again.

I Know It's Over - The Smiths

Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head,
And as I climb into an empty bed,
Oh well, enough said.
I know it's over, still I cling, I don't know where else I can go, over
Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head,
See the sea wants to take me, the knife wants to slit me,
Do you think you can help me?
That veil bride, please be happy,
Handsome groom, give her room.
Loud loutish lover treat her kindly,
Though she needs you more than she loves you.
And I know it's over, still I cling, I don't know where else I can go, over over over over...
I know it's over, and it never really began,
But in my heart, it was so real and you even spoke to me and said:
If you're so funny, then why are you on your own tonight?
And if you're so clever, then why are you on your own tonight?
If you're so very entertaining, then why are you on your own tonight?
If you're so very good looking, why do you sleep alone tonight?
I know, because tonight is just like any other night,
It's why you're on your own tonight.
With your triumphs and your charms,
Oh there in each others arms.
It's so easy to love, it's so easy to hate,
It takes strength to be gentle and kind, over over over over over
It's so easy to love, it's so easy to hate,
It takes guts to be gentle and kind, over over
Love is natural and real,
But not for you my love,
Not tonight my love,



Love is natural and real,
But not for such as you and I my love.
Oh mother I can feel the soil falling over my head,
Mother I can feel the soil falling over my head,
Mother I can feel the soil falling over my head,
Mother I can feel the soil falling over my head,
Oh mother I can feel the soil falling over my head,
Oh mother I can feel the soil falling over my head,
Oh mother I can feel the soil falling over my head.


Overs - Simon and Garfunkel

Why don't we stop fooling ourselves?
The game is over,
Over,
Over.
No good times, no bad times,
There's no times at all,
Just The New York Times,
Sitting on the windowsill
Near the flowers.
We might as well be apart.
It hardly matters,
We sleep separately.
And drop a smile passing in the hall
But there's no laughs left
'Cause we laughed them all.
And we laughed them allIn a very short time.
Time
Is tapping on my forehead,
Hanging from my mirror,
Rattling the teacups,
And I wonder,
How long can I delay?
We're just a habit
Like saccharin.
And I'm habitually feelin' kinda blue.
But each time I try on
The thought of leaving you,
I stop...
I stop and think it over

A Van Gogh or A Baloney Sandwich?

It has been shown that sometimes, as a thing ages, its value increases. You can see this when you look at furniture, vases, and coins. In fact, I was recently told by a coin dealer that cleaning your old coins actually decreases their value. Go figure?

While art, wine, and knick knacks can improve with time, certain things do not. Electronics, movies, and baloney sandwiches have about the same life span before they become undesirable.


Personally, I have nothing that qualifies as antique in my life...unless you count the Singles Program. The question left to ask myself is whether it is a Van Gogh or a baloney sandwich?

I know my theme is constant: Down with the Singles Program!!

But it is a major sore spot in my life. I wish I had other things to think about and write about. Alas, maybe the above question has already been answered....

Why This Blog Will Never, Ever Be Enough

So, we've had this weblog going for well over a month and have had exactly one (1) person out there who found us and responded. (Thank you Suzanne!!!)

We are still optimistic, however. We still believe that this blog will fulfill the full measure of its creation. Having said that, we also are realistic. We know that the problems with Singles in the Church are far and wide, (some of which are only as fixable as LDS Singles are willing to become aware their of disenfranchised position...and then do something about it.) Of course, this would require these same Singles to explore the reality of their situation in full.

We, the writers of this blog, know from experience just how emotionally difficult (and potentially time consuming) this process really can be. We have been discussing the problems and their potential solutions for over four years. This is not the first effort we have made to be heard both locally, and within Church leadership itself.

As you may guess, we are not satisfied with the help we have received thus far. How could we be? There really has been no change in the Singles Program at any level since well before we were old enough to date. (Granted, on-line dating is a so-called new development...but it has such a disparaging success rate that we cannot in good conscience consider it a viable alternative for LDS Singles. (The reasons for this problem is multi-fold, and deserves its own post.))



For anything to change, we must realize that there are several counts against us. First, we are mortal. We will live out our lives with or without love, and then we will die. At some point in our lives, we might give up being frustrated at being alone, and simply resign from the pursuit. We all know people who have done this. It usually happens sometime in certain persons' 40s or 50s. They just get sick and tired of being sick and tired, and they move on to the rest of their lives...having chucked the heavy baggage of desire and need for human intimacy from the opposite sex. This way they can truly "enjoy" their life for a change, with no inconvenient strings attached to that bitter-sweet sensation felt somewhere within the upper ribcage. No longer are they burdened with that grocery-store crush from that anonymous person among the strawberries (so available and yet so unavailable. So physically near... yet so ideologically, religiously, and impossibly far.)

This is where I should insert the lyrics to the song "Desperado" by Don Henley, but I shall pare it down to "You're losin' all you're highs and lows. Ain't it funny how the feelin' goes away?"

Word up. True dat. Touche. (And another good subject for a future post.)

The second count against us is that most singles go inactive. I will not divulge the percentage on this blog, but anyone reading this should ask their leaders what they themselves believe the percentage is. Suffice it to say, the rumors are more than staggering. And because we lose these people, we lose a good portion of our force for change.
(And let's face it, for anyine with even the beginnings of a testimony, it takes true courage to leave the Church. That same courage could have been better spent trying to formulate change within the Program, instead of bailing out on the whole system.) Therefore it is up to those of us who stay; we must muster the courage...or not. Either way, what most of us consider courageous acts of of change, probably don't even begin to hit the radar. I am not suggesting anything like protest, but we need to make ourselves heard and we need to take charge of our "program." I'm not talking about the official Singles Program here.


Rather, I am referring to the program that we create out the intellect and free agency God gave us. This is what it will take, because change from within appears to be speeding along at the pace of the Earth's tectonic plates. (But remember, Church Leadership is not telling us that we can't do more. So why don't we do more? (This is another good question to be explored in a future post. So please, dear reader, we would love your opinion on this.*))

Third, let us not forget, many of us continue to be in denial for several reasons, not the least of which is shame.

Remember, the title of this post is "Why This Blog Will Never, Ever Be Enough." We wish that the whole dysfunctional system that is the LDS Singles Program could be fixed in the walls of this blog or one like it. But, alas, we would deceive ourselves by even hoping for that.

Truth be told, this blog is just one more passing cog in a wheel that rolls far too slow for anyone's comfort. Just one more anonymous click towards potential progress for millions of people, both now and in the future. But, lest we forget, potential progress is not progress. It is potential, and that alone. And just like potential energy, the movement is in the footwork.

So, let us put on our running gear... and run (not walk) toward new goals for a Singles Program of our own choosing. Godspeed.

I Have a Question.

I have a question. Are we singles supposed to be agitated (to the point of anger) by our single status and the program that "supports" it, or are we to simply be blissfully at peace with it? Somewhere in between? I have tried all three, and while each offer different advantages, none seem to get the job done for what appears to be even the most eligible of us. I often find myself oscilating somewhere between anger and indifference. Again, no lasting peace or solution.

I may sound like a broken record, but that seems fitting for the subject matter: A broken Program. A broken system. A failed modis. Whatever. It isn't working, and sometimes I think that if the Program burned to the ground, at least everyone would have to admit that "Yep. It's time for something new."

In my part of the world, things have not looked this bad since I joined the ranks of Middle Singledom. I live in a western city of over 2.4 million people...not too far from SLC, UT. So, I can't lay the problem on a lack of Mormons or something. The activities...suck. Too many people. Not enough new people. Not enough legitimate fun.

I went to such an activity the other night. It was a game night of sorts, in a cultural hall. Sad and dumb. Dumb and sad. What is it about Mormons that they think the most appropriate place to to do ANYTHING is in a gymnasium? I'm surprised we don't hold Church there. Wait, we do on occasion. Anyway. Whatever happened to the warmth, comfort, convenience, and intimacy of people's homes? Why do the majority of activities have to be for either the "usual suspects" of a stake FHM, or for an entire region? Do we not know anything about what makes a solid, workable group, and what makes a crowd?





But I suppose I digress, while repeating myself. Again. Am I alone here? Does anybody hear me?! AHHHHHHHHHH!!

Wow, that felt good.

Suffice it to say, the problem is multifold and cumbersome, and seems to have not yet really hit the radar of Church Leadership, or many of the active Singles themselves. So, what is to be done?

Should we just wait it out? If not, then what? What's to do?