I Am Throwing Out The Rule Book

The challenge of being a “good” single Mormon is not fully understood by anyone unless they have lived it for a minimum of 5 painful years. If you have been single, gone to the pathetic activities provided, and dated other singles for less than five years, you have only been given a taste of the agony lived by us old-timers. I have been single for 12 years, and I still feel like I am a young'n. Okay, I was married for 6 months in the middle, but it was so bad of a marriage that I have blocked the memory most of the time.

But that marriage, the bad one, is why I am writing this post. It has all the necessary parts to it to explain the dilemma a middle Mormon single faces out in the “real” world. I will tell my story honestly, while trying to be obtuse so as to not give away identities.

It was a nice Saturday for me. The kids were with their dad and I had a friend over that day. We had fun swimming and then she was too tired to go to the dance. I decided I would go it alone because I did not have much in my life but the dances and I enjoyed what I could get. I still had hope you see. I was barely 30. Still young enough to think there is plenty of time for everything in life. I am still able to fully enjoy all the things I want to achieve. I was getting over the theft of 12K dollars from my last relationship, thought I had learned my lesson, and was almost completely out of debt. In fact, I was looking at buying a house in the near future. I was so happy and excited. I loved my life. I had great kids, I went to church, my son was doing great in scouts and all my kids were doing great in school but the youngest who was not in school, and I was even getting along with my family quite well. If you asked me, I would have told you I had a great life. I was happy.

Then that fateful night I met someone. I recall how silly I was. I had watched other, older women, at other dances and saw how they did not dance with someone they did not know on a slow dance, and they did not dance with anyone more than twice in a row. I adopted these “rules” myself because I wanted to be a “good” girl and not give the “wrong” impression.
I was perched on a rock. He walked up from behind. I could feel his approach. I knew. I was not startled when he asked me to dance. I was not nervous. I was not happy either, just curious how this was going to go. He listened after our second dance to my “rule” of needing to wait before I danced with him again. Sure enough, he was back. Again, we parted after two dances. I felt stupid. What a dumb rule. What did it matter? No one ever asked me to dance all that often. I usually danced with my friend or someone I already knew, more often than not “group” style where you are not “with” anyone. I felt foolish for wasting this attention. So, the third time, I told him I felt comfortable with him and I would spend the rest of the dance “with” him.

Afterwards, we sat in the parking lot of a gas station for 3 hours talking. I remember kissing him. It was exciting. He asked me out. It was a fun date. He was so attentive and I felt all tingly inside. Back at my place, he told me he felt like I was “The One”. Gosh, no one has ever said that to me! (All you more experienced people out there, please keep the advice that this is a corny line to yourself. I know that now!)

Needless to say, we married a few months later. It turned ugly immediately and within two months I was terrified and abused, dislocated from my home and family, and completely shell shocked.

Through all my “years of experience” I still had no idea how to act when someone paid attention to me because no one did. I was not too fat to be looked at, but no one looked. I was the mother of three beautiful kids, but that “scared” men off, as if there were a disease. I had more honesty from non-Mormon men than I did from any Mormon guy. They were honest enough to tell me they wanted to have sex. Most Mormon guys acted pure, then were almost forceful in the end. I wanted all the good and beautiful things I had learned about in church, but I was not finding it. I was doing everything “right”, I had all the rules down, but I was getting no where fast.

I did not call guys. So, they stopped calling me. I did not ask them to dance. So I did not dance. I would not stay out too late or go on another date too soon after the first. All the rules were killing every opportunity I had because all I was doing was setting up boundaries, walls and obstacle courses for these men to traverse through. Why would they want to? There were much easier women to be had. Literally. I held my head up high because I was doing everything “right” but I was not getting what I wanted.

So, a few days ago, when a dear friend of mine told me that even though I may fall in love with someone, I have tons of homework to do before I can feel confident in them, something broke inside of me. Not only do I have to be perfect in the original game of dating, stay pure and not cross any lines yet keep his attention, I also have to interrogate him because I am responsible for my children and they come first? No other words have ever tempted me to abandon them more than those. I have heard them so many times over and over. One friend even said that single women with small children should not even contemplate dating until their children are much older, or even “out of the house”. Do you understand what that means? That means that while you are young, pretty, and full of desire, even able to have more children, you must not because you have a duty to the ones you all ready have. You must sacrifice your hopes, dreams and desires to kids who argue with you, break all the rules as often as they can get away with, and do not understand or appreciate all you do for them. This is life. It is the way it is. I adore my children yet I understand they are individuals I am the caretaker for.

I have a new rule: NO RULES!!! If I want to call a guy, I will. Even 10 times in a row. If he does not like me, I will sense that there is nothing. If I want to dance with someone, I will ask. If they say no, it's their loss, and mine. If I want to spend tons of time with someone because I like them, I will. If I want to have more children, even though I already have some, I will as long as I can. If I have to deal with step situations, I will. Because this life is to be enjoyed. I have looked so far into the future that I have missed out on what is right in front of me. I have looked so far into heaven that I forgot I was on earth. I was so worried about my mansion in heaven that I forgot about the home I live in now. I do not suggest I throw that out completely, I mean that I must combine the two worlds. I matter in both places. You see, I never did get my house. I never did get out of debt until many years later after this guy took another 12K from me too. I now live in a run down trailer with sewage problems. I am not as young as I was those years ago, nor am I as financially sound. But today I believe in myself more than I did then. I had too many rules.

I did pray about that guy. I still pray. I will ask the questions that seem important to me and I will let my “bull----” detector tell me what to pay attention to. And I will pray about what is going on and ask for confirmation that all is well. Asking for proof, at any time during a relationship, takes the beauty out of it. Asking for divorce papers says to me that I am not smart enough to know when you are lying to me. It sets me up for failure. A good liar can keep “proof” from being found out. And you cannot prove all things but by the spirit sometimes. The Holy Ghost testifies of things you cannot know otherwise. This man looked great from the outside, and the warning bells were chiming the whole time, I just had too many rules and formulas in my head to hear them.

You may disagree, but the sad truth is that I am not married. The rules did not get me married, and getting rid of the rules is not guaranteed to get me married either. It is a tragedy I live every day of my life, this singleness. I cannot help but think maybe breaking out of the norm every now and then just might stir the pot, and get a few things brought up to the top that had settled on the bottom.