Thursday, December 18, 2008

If I Left The Church, Would Anyone Care?

For some time I have been struggling in my life. I have been having feelings that are unfamiliar to me, yet could not escape them. I was unable to feel the Spirit and yet I saw His presence. I could not open my heart up in prayer, yet He seemed to still know what I wanted to say. People at church told me how much of an example I was, yet I would only feel the doubt in my heart. I would read the scriptures and feel so far removed from them and what they taught. My children told me how good I was as a mother, yet I felt so dirty and afraid. I was a fraud.

What once brought me relief from struggles like this no longer worked. In the past I would sit at my piano and play out my feelings in anger, frustration, fear or sorrow. I could no longer stand to sit and look at a Hymnal, so I found no escape. I tried to read novels to distract my mind but I could not understand the words on the page. I tried to busy myself but nothing kept my interest for long and I got nothing done. I could not clean my house, go for a walk, go shopping or call a friend. I was alone with my thoughts day after day and there was nothing to rescue me. No one saw it. No one heard it. No one but me knew what went on in my head.

I was afraid to tell anyone what thoughts I was having. I still am. I fear their ridicule. I fear chastisement. I worry that terrible things will happen if anyone knew. I cannot feel my testimony right now. I try to. It is there once in a while, like an old friend. But then suddenly these thoughts come back and take it away. I cry out in pain because the misery is back and I am alone in the dark again. I feel spirits around me, offering comfort, but I cannot partake of it. There is a glass wall between us and I have no idea how to break it down or who put it up there. I pray for help sometimes, but without hope.

I do not recognize who I am anymore. I am not the old me, and this new me is frightening. I do not know what she will do or what will happen to her in life. Thoughts go through my head and I do not know where they come from. They make sense to me, yet something makes me hesitate to act upon them. Some seem harmless, yet this feeling of unfamiliarity keeps me from acting. I knew this would happen, I saw it coming, but was powerless to stop it. I had to get rid of the old feelings of doubt and anger and I knew I would struggle, but I had no idea it would be this bad.

I wonder about the gospel. I really do. I do not recognize it sometimes. When my parents died suddenly some months back in an terrible tragedy, I knew then I would change. I knew then I would have to relearn the gospel. I knew then that my life would never be the same. I liked how exciting it was to see and understand things differently. Our experiences create the perspective we look at things with and I had a big change in my perspective. I welcomed the new challenge and went head on into it. It's the way I do things.

I walked down the path before me, confident and secure with the Savior. I was led and guided and felt so much protection. Suddenly it was taken from me. I have felt destitute before in my life, but back then I felt I had a safety net beneath me, this time, there is none.

I listen to others in the church, trudging along like me. Sometimes you hear sincerity in their voices, sometimes stupidity. It is hard to not judge others. It is part of our culture. So, when I look at people, inside or outside of the church, I try to keep an open mind and look deeper than what is on the surface. I know that if I am hiding my thoughts and painting on a smiley face, chances are, they are too. I have heard over the years from unknowledgeable people how the reason why people leave the church is because they do not have a strong enough testimony. And for singles, add to that reason the other that all they want is to go have sex. As if those two things sum it all up and we can stop talking about it anymore. They made their choices, they were not valiant enough, let them reap what they have sown.

After going through this tough ordeal, one which is not yet over, I question most vehemently the validity of those statements. I question the charity involved when someone speaks so callously of another Child of God. I question their humility and see pride and an unwillingness to walk a mile in another 's footsteps. I know the pain, fear and doubts that such a person may be having. I know they often try to keep their chin up and not buckle under the immense pressure they are under. I know they doubt their own self-worth and look in the mirror and see nothing good. I know they often try so hard, reaching out to those who are stronger at that moment, asking, nay, pleading for rescue, but find nothing but air. Air in the form of judgment and criticism. Air in the form of scorn and laughing. Much like the “large and spacious building” in Lehi's dream.

It is my opinion that it is too easy to simply put someone into a category and leave them there. Much too easy. Less work that way. You do not have to get to know them. You do not have to listen to them. You do not have to pay attention and pray about what YOU need to do as stewards for the Lord's doctrine. It is too easy to focus on what you want and what you need to better your own life and the future of your own children.

I may be harsh, but I am honest. The sex drive singles deal with is incomparable to anything else anyone suffers. I would not lessen it by trying. We are scorned for having it in the first place, then looked down upon if we succumb to it's needs. Our testimonies beat upon rocks day after day as our hearts tenderest yearnings go unfulfilled. Our testimonies undertake mutations as we try to make sense of this abominable situation and only the Lord truly understands. Yet, we continue to serve. We continue to do what we believe is right. We continue to fight for the Kingdom of God, even though we have a broken heart as we do it.

Loneliness is felt by most people in this world, married or not. However, when you are single you deal with it's ugly face day after day and you cannot escape it. You go alone most places. You seek out a companion to do things with, often just about anyone will do. We fear being alone. It is quite scary. Imagine going through this life alone, without the Savior holding your hand. We all get that one. But sometimes you want to SEE someone. Hear a voice. Feel a touch. You want comfort and affection. It is NOT all about sex. Sex is the only word acceptable to use to describe the yearnings we feel. Sex is easy and acceptable as a need. But affection is not. It shows you are vulnerable and people pounce on weaknesses and exploit them. We are not safe exposing our most inner thoughts and deepest feelings. We are not safe because they must be honored and respected if we do so, and they are not.

I have little hope in my own life at this time. I can only look at the past and see how I was led and guided through the tough times and hope, well, sort of hope, that things will work out in the end. I worry that I will abandon the church. I worry that the pressure will become too great. I know if people who knew me knew just how badly I feared this, and why, they would panic themselves. They would jump into action and DO something. But my heart is too tender and full of anger and fear. You see, I am not sure I can be saved. Not in the Kingdom. Not in the church. Not in this life. Not even to find happiness or satisfaction in anything I do.

Many might say I am depressed. So what. Many people are. We medicate it and then let it go as if it is taken care of. As if that is all that is needed: pop a pill and all is well. I will not medicate the reality of the situation away. I will not deny the truth, no matter how ugly it is. I will not deny the hardships I struggle with and the suffering I feel. Anything else would be a lie.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

How's That Working Out For You?

As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints for all of my life, I have been privy to the “plan.” When you are born, you need to be born in a good home, with loving parents who nurture you and cherish you, and siblings who are kind and helpful. You are given a name and a blessing right away to get you on the right track and protect you. Your family has family home evening on Monday nights and as a family you do scripture and prayer in the mornings and prayer again in the evening. Then you have your personal prayers before you slip safely between the sheets.

You attend Primary every week and learn the wonderful songs and are taught meaningful lessons which strengthen and add to your family home evenings. You are loved and adored as you are introduced to the basics of the gospel and told how much the Lord loves you and Heavenly Father too. You sing about how you are His child and just how special you are to Him. You pay your pennies to the bishop as you learn to pay your tithing and you bare your testimony on Fast Sunday and state how you know the church is true.

At 8 years of age you are excited and prepare to get baptized. You have your interview with the bishop and he finds you are worthy and have a testimony. Your whole family comes to see you washed clean of your sins and bestowed with the gift of the Holy Ghost. It is a joyous occasion and you are welcomed with open arms into your ward as it's newest member.

You soon enter the Young Men/Young Women program and there you find leaders who nurture you further in the gospel. The other members who attend with you understand the unique situation a teenager finds themselves in, trying to withstand peer pressure and temptations in this wicked world, and they help you along the way, through the hardest time of a young persons life.

After 6 years of this beautiful experience, you are finally prepared to go on a mission and serve the Lord. You want to pass along the blessings you have been given. If you are a girl, you enter college and check out the newly returned missionaries for a potential eternal companion, (if you do not already have one you are writing.) In a few years you are sure you have found your mate. The wedding is beautiful and the in-laws adore you and say they could have found no one better for their son or daughter had they spent their whole lives looking.

Nothing less than a temple marriage will do and all the family comes as they are all active members with recommends except the little ones who wait outside dressed in their wedding finery for the pictures to be taken later. It is the beginning of living happily ever after.
College degrees are next in line for the faithful members, both man and woman need them because he must provide and she must prepare for any eventuality. Besides, she is to be the primary teacher to the kids that will be coming soon, so she must be smart and beautiful to pass on the blessings she was raised with. He works hard and gets his degree and soon finds a job and begins to work his way up in his lucrative career, providing a lovely house for his family and the requisite van for all the kids to ride safely. Traveling is important to, to round out the experience of the family, and also sports for the boys and ballet for the girls.

As each new child comes, it too is loved as the parents once were. Cherished and adored and welcomed into the family. Spoiled by the grandparents, who do not live too far away, and are more than helpful when needed. They offer support and helpful advice to the young parents who find it is more than adequate in helping them enter this new and frightening challenge called “parenting.”

The children grow, receiving the same blessing at birth, entering Primary, getting baptized and receiving the Holy Ghost, entering Young Men/Young Women and then going on missions. Coming home valiant examples and finding their mates and marrying in the temple. It is a cycle. Beautiful and full of joy and hope. The ones who were the young ones now pass on their wisdom and watch as their children continue to grow into adults, making proper decisions and being blessed.

Occasionally there were some scary moments where someone got sick or had challenges which were hard to face like job loss or people trying to hurt you. But, fasting and prayer always helped you through these trying times and they were sent to you to help your faith and testimony grow stronger, not to hurt you or make you think you are a bad person and are being punished. As you kneel with your family and plead with the Lord, you know He hears your prayers and you watch as He blesses you and answers your prayers, just like the scriptures say He does. These moments bring the whole family closer together because you are calling on the entire strength they all have and know they are putting your names in the temple on a regular basis. You bare testimony at the end of each ordeal with a lump in your throat about the tender mercies from a loving Father in Heaven.

When you are older, you are called to be bishop or Stake President. Your wisdom and knowledge of the scriptures makes your ward or stake stronger and baptisms increase, bring in new members who feel welcomed and embraced in the arms of the members. You sit back, at the fall of your life, and you know all is well. When you retire, you and your spouse ask to be temple workers because you will soon be going to heaven, but you are unwilling to wait for that beautiful feeling to enter your lives. You want to feel close to the Lord now, so you go all the time. Taking a year or two off for a senior mission with your sweetie, again, giving back because so much has been given.

When you are finally called back home, it is a bittersweet moment as you say good-bye to those you love so much. Yet, deep in your heart lies the knowledge that soon you will all be reunited and in the presence of the Lord.

For me, the “plan” stopped working right after “I was born.” How's it working out for you?

Monday, December 8, 2008

Look In The Mirror

Look in the mirror. Look carefully. For the person you see is...A Child Of God.

Sometimes I feel smart. I can talk very deeply about some subjects and feel like I have participated in something profound. Then something happens. Usually a small child speaks. And I feel stunned and stupid. In all its beauty, the gospel is very simple.

I am a child of God. Once, many years ago, He tried to show me this. He had me look in a mirror and He showed me what He saw. I could not see anything but how wrong He was about me. That image of who I am never leaves me though. It is there when I doubt who I am and what is possible. It is there, haunting me, when I feel like I am no good and unloved.

So, today, I look in the mirror and see who I really am. The image is new and unfamiliar. I have to adjust many ideas, most which are negative, about myself. But this new image adds strength and power to what is good inside of me.

I see for the first time maybe, my true potential. I have less fear, less anger, and less resentment. I am excited about who I am and where I am going. It is an adventure I look forward to. Who knows what can happen or where I will end up? I am not afraid. For I am a Child Of God.

(This post is dedicated to the memory of my parents.)

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Weeping And Wailing And Gnashing Of Teeth

Hell. Hades. Purgatory. Fire and brimstone. Lake of fire. Pain. Agony. Regret. Remorse. Endless torment. Prison. Cursed. Condemned. Punished. Damned. Whatever you call it, it's not fun.
I do not have to die to get there. I live there now.

Would it matter if I listed all the ways this is so? Not really. I am in a living hell. And sometimes I cry out in pain, “Where are You, God?”

And there is silence.

Somewhere, I know He is real.
Somewhere, I know He cares.
Somewhere, I know He is helping.

But the darkness around me is thick and I cannot see. The doubts screaming in my head are so loud I cannot hear. And tears shed in pain are not wiped away by His loving hands.

My fear is not hell. My fear is that heaven is real. I already know hell. I already know pain. But could I ever face joy and happiness without running and screaming in terror?

My fear is that it might not really matter what I do.

After I dwell in hell for awhile, I remember who rules there. And decide to check out. It is not for me. It is not always easy, but when I do, the light returns.

Monday, December 1, 2008

So, You Want To Marry A Robot....

I had a conversation the other day with someone I respect and they made an interesting comment about marriage. They were talking about their husband and how right now he is struggling with some health issues. Their husband apologized for not being a very good husband. Before I could even react she said she flatly told her husband that being sick had nothing to do with being a good or bad husband. I got to thinking on this and it stuck. I could not forget it. I thought about all the mixed messages we get about what marriage is. I have begun to think we missed the meaning of marriage and that is the whole reason why we are single. In a word, are we actually able to make and keep those sacred vows to love, honor and cherish, through sickness and health? Even if you do not speak those words or are married in the temple, are they not just as valid, if not even more so because of the covenant entered into between you two and the Lord? I think so.

I began to wonder what a marriage is. I ended up talking to my kids about the nature of “oneness” in a marriage so they can look for the right thing when it is their time. I remember I told them about how the scriptures tell us to become one and that means in mind and purpose like Christ and Heavenly Father are One in those ways. (Let's not debase it by mentioning the physical “oneness” everyone tends to snicker about here.) I asked my kids some questions and one brought up a big discussion. It involved money. YIKES! I told my kids that “oneness” included the bank account. I asked them how you could be one in all ways if you had separate funds. (I did say that some people have situations which require it, but all in all, combined funds unites people.) If you are sooooo scared to pool funds together because of “what might happen”, in my humble opinion, you are not one with your spouse. How can you be? You are keeping the one tool which tangibly unites you like nothing else on this earth. I mean money is the world score card and you are saying that you want your score kept separate from your spouses. I do not consider this a marriage made in heaven.

I also mentioned to my kids how the worlds attitude tended to be along the lines of: If you do not do everything I want you to do perfectly, I am out of here! Now, call me crazy, but that just does not sound like “oneness” to me either. It sounds more like the fair weather friend you cannot rely on when the going gets rough. And this from a spouse, the one you depend on the most? Only a real jerk would have that attitude and think it is okay. Look at the scriptures. They do not say that when it's tough you are off the hook. We only grow when we are tested. Why do we act surprised when hard times come, even in a marriage? What, did you think? They were not human? Would you rather have married a robot who actually did everything you wanted them to do? Think on that for a moment.....

If you married a robot for real, this is just some of what it would be like: At first, it would be blissful. You would get everything you wanted done to you and for you. They would serve you tirelessly. They would not complain because you would not program it into them, thinking that you would only want pleasant conversation. This would last a couple of weeks to months depending on how perceptive you are. Eventually, you would begin to hate them and abuse them. They would become what they are: a machine to you. And because they do not have any sentient thoughts or feelings, you would hate that they looked human but were denying you what you really craved: companionship. The fact that they would do anything you asked or told them to do, would no longer matter. The fact that you grew older and older, while they stayed the same, would matter greatly. If you did not take a hammer to them straight away, but continued on with the charade, you would eventually become bitter or perhaps insane.

The fact is, we thrive on the things that challenge us the most. We grow when we struggle and push and pull against things. It's called exercise. We have to serve others and allow ourselves to be served. I for one just found out that I need to do some exercising of my own in the relationship arena. I need to work out a few of those serving muscles and stretch them and make them stronger. I just found out that I actually like making a man happy by serving him. Wow! Who would have thought that I could be ecstatic seeing someone happy, when it was something I did to bring that joy, and I was not the recipient of it. I was humbled by the one who taught me and hope to do some practicing soon. Maybe this week I will make plans to see what I can do to make them happy and not think about all the things I want for myself. It's a new frontier for me, but I will go where I have never gone before. (Or so it seems.)