Hell. Hades. Purgatory. Fire and brimstone. Lake of fire. Pain. Agony. Regret. Remorse. Endless torment. Prison. Cursed. Condemned. Punished. Damned. Whatever you call it, it's not fun.
I do not have to die to get there. I live there now.
Would it matter if I listed all the ways this is so? Not really. I am in a living hell. And sometimes I cry out in pain, “Where are You, God?”
And there is silence.
Somewhere, I know He is real.
Somewhere, I know He cares.
Somewhere, I know He is helping.
But the darkness around me is thick and I cannot see. The doubts screaming in my head are so loud I cannot hear. And tears shed in pain are not wiped away by His loving hands.
My fear is not hell. My fear is that heaven is real. I already know hell. I already know pain. But could I ever face joy and happiness without running and screaming in terror?
My fear is that it might not really matter what I do.
After I dwell in hell for awhile, I remember who rules there. And decide to check out. It is not for me. It is not always easy, but when I do, the light returns.
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