Thursday, December 18, 2008

If I Left The Church, Would Anyone Care?

For some time I have been struggling in my life. I have been having feelings that are unfamiliar to me, yet could not escape them. I was unable to feel the Spirit and yet I saw His presence. I could not open my heart up in prayer, yet He seemed to still know what I wanted to say. People at church told me how much of an example I was, yet I would only feel the doubt in my heart. I would read the scriptures and feel so far removed from them and what they taught. My children told me how good I was as a mother, yet I felt so dirty and afraid. I was a fraud.

What once brought me relief from struggles like this no longer worked. In the past I would sit at my piano and play out my feelings in anger, frustration, fear or sorrow. I could no longer stand to sit and look at a Hymnal, so I found no escape. I tried to read novels to distract my mind but I could not understand the words on the page. I tried to busy myself but nothing kept my interest for long and I got nothing done. I could not clean my house, go for a walk, go shopping or call a friend. I was alone with my thoughts day after day and there was nothing to rescue me. No one saw it. No one heard it. No one but me knew what went on in my head.

I was afraid to tell anyone what thoughts I was having. I still am. I fear their ridicule. I fear chastisement. I worry that terrible things will happen if anyone knew. I cannot feel my testimony right now. I try to. It is there once in a while, like an old friend. But then suddenly these thoughts come back and take it away. I cry out in pain because the misery is back and I am alone in the dark again. I feel spirits around me, offering comfort, but I cannot partake of it. There is a glass wall between us and I have no idea how to break it down or who put it up there. I pray for help sometimes, but without hope.

I do not recognize who I am anymore. I am not the old me, and this new me is frightening. I do not know what she will do or what will happen to her in life. Thoughts go through my head and I do not know where they come from. They make sense to me, yet something makes me hesitate to act upon them. Some seem harmless, yet this feeling of unfamiliarity keeps me from acting. I knew this would happen, I saw it coming, but was powerless to stop it. I had to get rid of the old feelings of doubt and anger and I knew I would struggle, but I had no idea it would be this bad.

I wonder about the gospel. I really do. I do not recognize it sometimes. When my parents died suddenly some months back in an terrible tragedy, I knew then I would change. I knew then I would have to relearn the gospel. I knew then that my life would never be the same. I liked how exciting it was to see and understand things differently. Our experiences create the perspective we look at things with and I had a big change in my perspective. I welcomed the new challenge and went head on into it. It's the way I do things.

I walked down the path before me, confident and secure with the Savior. I was led and guided and felt so much protection. Suddenly it was taken from me. I have felt destitute before in my life, but back then I felt I had a safety net beneath me, this time, there is none.

I listen to others in the church, trudging along like me. Sometimes you hear sincerity in their voices, sometimes stupidity. It is hard to not judge others. It is part of our culture. So, when I look at people, inside or outside of the church, I try to keep an open mind and look deeper than what is on the surface. I know that if I am hiding my thoughts and painting on a smiley face, chances are, they are too. I have heard over the years from unknowledgeable people how the reason why people leave the church is because they do not have a strong enough testimony. And for singles, add to that reason the other that all they want is to go have sex. As if those two things sum it all up and we can stop talking about it anymore. They made their choices, they were not valiant enough, let them reap what they have sown.

After going through this tough ordeal, one which is not yet over, I question most vehemently the validity of those statements. I question the charity involved when someone speaks so callously of another Child of God. I question their humility and see pride and an unwillingness to walk a mile in another 's footsteps. I know the pain, fear and doubts that such a person may be having. I know they often try to keep their chin up and not buckle under the immense pressure they are under. I know they doubt their own self-worth and look in the mirror and see nothing good. I know they often try so hard, reaching out to those who are stronger at that moment, asking, nay, pleading for rescue, but find nothing but air. Air in the form of judgment and criticism. Air in the form of scorn and laughing. Much like the “large and spacious building” in Lehi's dream.

It is my opinion that it is too easy to simply put someone into a category and leave them there. Much too easy. Less work that way. You do not have to get to know them. You do not have to listen to them. You do not have to pay attention and pray about what YOU need to do as stewards for the Lord's doctrine. It is too easy to focus on what you want and what you need to better your own life and the future of your own children.

I may be harsh, but I am honest. The sex drive singles deal with is incomparable to anything else anyone suffers. I would not lessen it by trying. We are scorned for having it in the first place, then looked down upon if we succumb to it's needs. Our testimonies beat upon rocks day after day as our hearts tenderest yearnings go unfulfilled. Our testimonies undertake mutations as we try to make sense of this abominable situation and only the Lord truly understands. Yet, we continue to serve. We continue to do what we believe is right. We continue to fight for the Kingdom of God, even though we have a broken heart as we do it.

Loneliness is felt by most people in this world, married or not. However, when you are single you deal with it's ugly face day after day and you cannot escape it. You go alone most places. You seek out a companion to do things with, often just about anyone will do. We fear being alone. It is quite scary. Imagine going through this life alone, without the Savior holding your hand. We all get that one. But sometimes you want to SEE someone. Hear a voice. Feel a touch. You want comfort and affection. It is NOT all about sex. Sex is the only word acceptable to use to describe the yearnings we feel. Sex is easy and acceptable as a need. But affection is not. It shows you are vulnerable and people pounce on weaknesses and exploit them. We are not safe exposing our most inner thoughts and deepest feelings. We are not safe because they must be honored and respected if we do so, and they are not.

I have little hope in my own life at this time. I can only look at the past and see how I was led and guided through the tough times and hope, well, sort of hope, that things will work out in the end. I worry that I will abandon the church. I worry that the pressure will become too great. I know if people who knew me knew just how badly I feared this, and why, they would panic themselves. They would jump into action and DO something. But my heart is too tender and full of anger and fear. You see, I am not sure I can be saved. Not in the Kingdom. Not in the church. Not in this life. Not even to find happiness or satisfaction in anything I do.

Many might say I am depressed. So what. Many people are. We medicate it and then let it go as if it is taken care of. As if that is all that is needed: pop a pill and all is well. I will not medicate the reality of the situation away. I will not deny the truth, no matter how ugly it is. I will not deny the hardships I struggle with and the suffering I feel. Anything else would be a lie.

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