I Had A Plan (Part I)
I had a plan. I was young when I made it up. I was going to grow up, get married and climb the “Corporate Ladder.” I was ambitious in my naivety. I was going to have a baby, without much thought about how that happens, how long it takes, how you take care of them or how much work they were. I liked to babysit and I liked my nephews, so I wanted a baby. I was going to have a house too. I remember as a little girl, like maybe 10 years old, I would draw these elaborate pictures over and over again about my future house. It had 85 stories in it. 83 underground. It was easier to heat it and keep it cool that way, plus no one knew all the cool things you had so they did not want to go in your house and steal it all away from you. I had a tennis court, a swimming pool, a ballroom, the works. I never thought about how much it would cost, or even if it could be done. It was what I wanted.
I was also going to live next door to my sister, her house being the same with the underground world too. We planned a glass walkway between our houses so that in any kind of weather we could go to the others any time we wanted.
Our husbands were going to be best friends. And if they did not like us, (the sisters,) then they did not have a chance with us. We loved each other and would never let someone get in the way of our relationship. Our kids would go to school together, all dozen or so of them, and they would grow up best friends too.
Somewhere in there was a hope for the Lord, but a great desire to have Him around constantly came later as I grew and matured and began to understand how wonderful it was when He helped out.
I should tell you that things did not go as planned. Obviously. For starters, I rent and the one-level basement leaks. While I have children, I did not have the 12 planned. I do not speak to my sister any longer for personal reasons I will not disclose and I have never met her husband. Now, before you jump on the fact that I do not speak to my sister, let me tell you that I have good reason to stay away as she has too much influence on me for bad than I like, so I stay away out of protection for myself and my children. So, having said all that, I remember something I heard once:
If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.
I think I had Him rolling on the floor.
As I grew up, life began to take on more reality for me and I began to see things more clearly. Or so I thought. I remember thinking about kissing and marrying every boy I met. No matter how far-fetched it seemed at the time. I was curious about it. Many did not make it passed the instant the idea started to form and some......lingered much longer. I saw boys as being strong and someone I needed to lean on for safety and security and many “let me down.” My life entered a whirlwind which spun to fast for me to think, let alone PLAN!!!
I began, at 16, to worry that no one would ever want to marry me. I thought I was doomed to a life of loneliness. It felt like the worst thing that could ever happen to me.
No One Wants To Marry Me (Part II)
Today, I listened to a talk in Sacrament meeting about adversity. The woman spoke of her daughter and how, while in high school and college, her daughter had those common feelings everyone seems to have that no one will want to marry her. She is now happily married, young and expecting their second child.
I wanted to throw up. Okay, not really, but something vile came up into the back of my throat. I hate how young people who just seem to have everything work out fine for them are held up as the shining examples of overcoming adversity. I hate how I am compared to someone half my age and told how they are coping and managing just fine with their problems and why can't I? I think about how that fear of someone not ever wanting to marry me has become this big dark monster that comes out in the daylight now because he is so strong. I think about how that fear has numbed me to the point that it is no longer a fear: it is a fact.
We go to activities, we try to meet people, and all we do is look ourselves in the mirror and wonder why we are a lone. I am the Lone Ranger. I am a side kick, more like the obligatory poor soul, which no one notices. I think of how many people have told me they think of me when they hear stories of singles and their struggle, but they do nothing for me. Just think of me.
So, I sit at home, feeling sad and lonely because no one wants to marry me.
I have news for you. I know someone out there wants to marry me. I just have not met him yet. I may have come close, or not even close, but SOMEONE exists who would have me as their wife!!!!! This I know in the depths of my heart. My spirit cries out of my self-worth and the wonderful things I have to share with someone. My heart carries within my breast a deep abiding love for SOMEONE!!! I just have not met them yet. I know that if we met, we would enjoy getting to know each other. I know we would have much in common, but enough differences to be interesting. We would both have too much life experience to ever share with each other completely and we would be so happy, we would never stop smiling.
But I have not met him yet.
I have not had the chance because all we ever do is dances, firesides, and temple nights. We are a very boring program.
So, my heart aches, fighting Satan's lie that no one wants to marry me. Some days he wins, some days I win. This was will only end when I finally meet the man who wants to marry me and not one day sooner. I don't know about you, but just thinking about how never ending the situation is, makes me tired.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
How To Get Married - The Right Way
Considering how much we talk about the Middle Singles Program, I wondered if we might offer up some emotional help too. Kind of give a road map or guide on fixing problems besides the Singles Program. I thought about my life. I thought about the times I “fell in love.” I thought about all the times I was disappointed in that love. I thought about how my nephew once asked me how you knew you wanted to marry someone. I thought about how I feel so alone sometimes. I thought about how wonderful it feels to imagine you mean something to someone else. Especially someone who may want to join their life with yours.
I considered that I am pretty much the opposite of an expert on the subject. I have done almost everything conceivably wrong in this matter from calling guys too often, trying to “fix” them, to playing impossible to get. I realized that one of my problems in all of this was in playing games and trying to force someone to feel an emotion I decided I wanted them to feel. I had gone at it entirely wrong.
I remember once we had a snake. It was gross. Once it got out of the cage and slithered down the couch and was stuck. It was a sectional couch and this particular piece was a recliner with many metal moving parts. Not very safe to have a snake in there and just leave it to be dealt with later. We, (when I say “we”, I really mean “they”), tried to pull the snake out. What happened to those of you not familiar with reptiles is it pulled against them and dug in deeper, so to speak. Someone had a great idea. They went to the other side and stuck their hand in at the face of the snake. Not my idea of fun or safe, but it worked because the snake did not like something coming at it directly and it pulled back on it's own. This allowed the snake to be safely removed and put back, securely this time, in it's cage.
This analogy can show something important about us. We too do not like to be pushed and pulled in directions not of our choosing. We desire to be allowed to roam freely and enjoy life. We are not happy with someone shoves something down our throat or pulls on us making demands.
Maybe not everyone acts this way. I doubt it, though. I think it is our nature to be desperate. To attract attention, kind of like little children jumping up and down when mommy is on the phone. It's annoying, and that's why we do it. We imagine that if attention is what we need, then attention is what we get. You see this behavior in many people who constantly act inappropriate in social situations. When you are rejected over and over, a sense of hopelessness overcomes you and you feel like you may as well act anyway you like because being good and proper did not work either. Do not imagine that I only speak of the “clowns” out there. Being a recluse or gigolo are other inappropriate behaviors. Being shy is a form of control, much the was silence is. We are all doing something to get seconds of attention because we are so starved for affection.
So, taking this idea to heart, I wondered what we can do about our bad behavior which would help us, the Middle Singles Program, and others around us. I have an idea.
If we go back to the basics, way back, maybe we could find help. I remember when I was really little in elementary I learned something called “The Golden Rule.” I was fascinated by this. I had to really think about the words or I would get mixed up in saying it because it was not normal English to me, at the time. “Do Unto Others, As You Would Have Others Do Unto You.” Kind of catchy I thought.
Now, taking our basic idea, let's expound upon it. First, we are doing something. Kind of implies a level of responsibility. Kind of implies also that if you are wrong, it could qualify as sin. If I hit you, I am doing something. And it's wrong. Gotta stop.
Second, the idea that I am making a choice. “As” is defined as: to such a degree or extent, similarly, or equally. That means that both have equal importance. Both have equal reasons to be considered. Both matter in this event.
Third, the idea that we want something. We want to be treated like the Children of God that we are. We know we are divine in nature but down here on earth we sometimes, actually more often than not, tend to forget that. But if we only focus on our divine nature, and forget the others, the scale is not in balance and therefore, we are doing it wrong.
The best way to do it is to keep both parties equal in the equation. So, when you disagree, no one has more power, influence, or importance than the other. When you choose something together, no one gets to overrule the other because they do something they think sets them apart or above the other. When you are bound as one, you are equal in the partnership and that is an important key to remember in your relationships. When someone sets themselves above or below the other, there is no more equality and therefore, no more relationship.
But, I am getting ahead of myself. I only wanted to discuss getting to that point really. Consider that a bonus if you like.
So, let's assume you have met someone. They like you, you like them. Things are going okay in the beginning. If you get to this point, do not faint. It is not a lark. If this is someone you want to really be with for eternities to come, the foundation you set in the beginning is the stability you will have in the future. We all know this, but I want to spell things out in a bit different manner.
First off, we all have baggage. Mine is black. Wait. That's my luggage. Same thing, actually. A persons baggage does not matter when it comes to love. Stop. Do not argue with me. Let me explain first. If you like being judged for everything in your past, then you are right. But, if you would like to be forgiven for past mistakes, mishaps, and terrible things done, then listen. We came to this earth to be tried, tested, and pretty much put through the wringer. Do you really think people will not get hurt in the process? Do you really think there is someone over the age of 8 who has never done something that embarrasses them? Do you really think that you are going to find a 40 year old with the body and stamina of an 18 year old? Think again. Get real in your expectations. Stop looking in their baggage and passing judgment and maybe they will leave yours alone. My philosophy is that I am really not interested in someones past relationships for two reasons. One, I am not looking for reasons to end it, so finding out all their complaints is not going to help me, two, well, that's just it. There is only room for two in my relationships, not 25. Keep the past behind you. Let it go. All it does is make you insecure because if they are talking about someone else, bringing up the past, you realize they are thinking about SOMEONE ELSE, NOT YOU, and then you wonder why they start comparing. You started it. So stop it. Before you open your mouth. Let it go.
So, letting go of our insecurities and need to sift through their baggage, we can then move on to something only mature adults can handle. It's called love. You see, only when you stop being selfish in a relationship can you ever really love someone. Only when you put aside your fears can trust grow. Only when you let go of your doubts can security settle over you. Only when you put the past behind you can you move into the future.
And I know how to do this. Well, hypothetically, anyway. I have noticed that everyone seems to have what I call a minefield around them. Things kind of blow up if you get too close. If you start to make someone feel something real and unfamiliar, like love, they kind of panic and retreat. (All sorts of “red flag” items could be listed here.) If you look for this behavior and notice how much it looks like someone dumping you, you might see how many mistakes you have made in the past. When you tell someone you love them and they get up and leave, it's not because they do not love you, it's because they are terrified and are running away. If they really did not like you, they would lie to you and say “ditto” or something trite. Now, the problem here is if they say they love you too. Are they lying or are they sincere? Eek. How to tell? How to tell? Well, first mistake you do not want to make is to tell them they do not. (Learned that one the hard way.) Second, do not ask them if they are sure. (Ditto.) Third, do not ask them why. (I confess: guilty.) What you really do is just let it be. Believe. Soak up the love they offer and stop trying to pick it apart. If you do, you will unravel it and lose it. (Sad, but I learned that one the hard way too.)
Afterwards, you go home and you pray about it. You tell the Lord you need personal revelation on the matter. He can tell you if it is a lie. He can tell you if it is safe. He can tell you if this is something you should pursue. He will listen to your hopes and dreams, your fears and worries, and He, and only He, knows the truth in all things. Many men told me they loved me and they did at the time. But then things happened to change that. This is the next thing I want to address.
Once you are “going” together, boyfriend/girlfriend, you have entered a very vulnerable stage. You are now open to interpretation by your friends who give much unsolicited advice. Many might secretly want you to fail because everyone knows “Two's company, three's a crowd.” Let your friend go if you must. Push them away in the same manner Christ did Peter when he said he did not want Him to die. Satan in there, in your midst always and seeks to keep you alone and miserable. I am very serious about this. What good is a friend who only points out the bad and encourages you to mistrust a love freely given? You do not have to end it altogether, but protect yourself and give them nothing to talk about. Make them wait until you have made up your mind, then tell them what you have decided. You are unsure enough without someone throwing a brick at this tender relationship.
Okay, now to the hard stuff. I have found that this is when things hurt the most. You see, you are now revealing things about yourself “as they really are.” Not because you were lying before, but because now you are letting someone in a bit deeper and that makes you vulnerable. You are open to interpretation and criticism. They can look at you “naked” emotionally and hurt you more now. It is fragile. This is when charity and The Golden Rule are needed most, not least. This is when you turn the other cheek and bite your tongue. Not when you meet someone and hardly know them. That's when you tell someone the truth, but keep it to a minimum. This is when you hold someone's heart in your hands and are responsible for your behavior.
This is when you are in the minefield. This is when you scare them the most. But the good news is, they want you to succeed. They want you to make it through the minefield, to gain all their trust and devotion. We all want to give it. While you are wandering their minefield, they are wandering yours. As their scary bombs are going off, so are yours. People get hurt in minefields.
Never forget that point. Love hurts. At first anyway. You have to tear apart that protective wall they built to get to their heart and it causes both people pain. So, there you are, hurting each other, loving it, right? Well, no. But, enduring to the end is our motto. And think of the honor that is to come if you persevere. Think of the gift of their life if you succeed. Think of how beautiful love is in the end and fight for it. Put down the sword you use to hurt people with like the mean words you say and the selfish attitudes and the pride you carry on your shoulder, and humble yourself and submit to the beating required of you to gain the reward. It is not so uncommon an idea, just maybe never imagined you would have to do it for some guy or girl. Right? Well, if you can do it for Christ, are not His Children good enough then, too?
Remember, I said you had to let go of the pride. This minefield is not really all that hard. All you have to do is put the others needs consciously above your own. All you have to do is commit to them and love them wholly and completely. All you have to do is live the gospel in it's purity and the rewards are there for the taking. I for one blame my stupid mistakes for the ending of many relationships. I never said what was on my mind, then blamed them for not knowing it. They needed to be mind readers. I looked for flaws and found countless ones. Eventually, they felt they could never measure up, and left. I argued and I was silent. I never said what I wanted to do, then I complained about what we did. Okay, guys, I am reformed. These things are in the past. But, there are plenty of things they did which did not help. They did not call often enough. They forgot to tend to the emotional side of things. They forgot to be cute and sweet. They forgot to be respectful after the first few minutes. They forgot to tell me it was over and I had to stew and fuss for weeks before I figured it out.
Both sides are guilty of bad behavior. That's why you are single. I want firesides which point out all the mistakes we make so we can correct them. Not some fire and brimstone, beat up one side then the other. I want a real solution and honesty about the problem. I want to understand why people do what they do. I want to understand what I can do to make myself better in a relationship. Apparently I do not know. Apparently, neither do you. Or you would be married and so would I. I want workshops where I safely practice my skills. I want game nights where I can feel safe and explore new ideas and look for clues and get smarter about dating. I am tired of dance after dance where all we do is grope in the dark and have a pseudo sexual experience, then go home empty and alone.
Yes, I said sexual experience. What do you think dancing is? It is provocative and inviting. It is showing how your body moves to rhythm. You are giving clues and hints as to how suitable you would be as a mate. Granted, some do this “dance” better than others, that's why it is so unfair to make it the only way we are allowed as member of the Church to meet and mingle and pick our future companion.
Much is needed by way of a reformation in the Middle Singles Program. And, it will not happen unless you make it happen. Until that time, probably not until the latter half of the millennium perhaps, you are on your own. So, study up on human nature. Find out why guys and girls behave the way they do. Before you go grabbing books off the rack and surf the Internet, may I suggest a better avenue in finding your answers. It's called prayer. And scripture study. Only through the Spirit are you going to be able to know what one person is thinking. Yes, you can find generalities everywhere. We call them stereotypes. They are prejudicial and judgmental. I would steer clear of them. I would go right to the source. I would go to the head Man and ask Him what He thinks, then act accordingly. If you do this, you will have fewer mistakes and less grief in your life. To each his own they say, so also, leave everyone else's relationships alone and do not comment so much. You see, you probably do not know as much as you think you do. And if you are right, prayer is good then too. The Spirit gives all sorts of direction and when we come from a place of love, we are heard more often because we are not attacking or forcing our will on someone else. I pray that each of us will find someone who we can be willing to go through the fiery furnace for. Then actually do it.
I considered that I am pretty much the opposite of an expert on the subject. I have done almost everything conceivably wrong in this matter from calling guys too often, trying to “fix” them, to playing impossible to get. I realized that one of my problems in all of this was in playing games and trying to force someone to feel an emotion I decided I wanted them to feel. I had gone at it entirely wrong.
I remember once we had a snake. It was gross. Once it got out of the cage and slithered down the couch and was stuck. It was a sectional couch and this particular piece was a recliner with many metal moving parts. Not very safe to have a snake in there and just leave it to be dealt with later. We, (when I say “we”, I really mean “they”), tried to pull the snake out. What happened to those of you not familiar with reptiles is it pulled against them and dug in deeper, so to speak. Someone had a great idea. They went to the other side and stuck their hand in at the face of the snake. Not my idea of fun or safe, but it worked because the snake did not like something coming at it directly and it pulled back on it's own. This allowed the snake to be safely removed and put back, securely this time, in it's cage.
This analogy can show something important about us. We too do not like to be pushed and pulled in directions not of our choosing. We desire to be allowed to roam freely and enjoy life. We are not happy with someone shoves something down our throat or pulls on us making demands.
Maybe not everyone acts this way. I doubt it, though. I think it is our nature to be desperate. To attract attention, kind of like little children jumping up and down when mommy is on the phone. It's annoying, and that's why we do it. We imagine that if attention is what we need, then attention is what we get. You see this behavior in many people who constantly act inappropriate in social situations. When you are rejected over and over, a sense of hopelessness overcomes you and you feel like you may as well act anyway you like because being good and proper did not work either. Do not imagine that I only speak of the “clowns” out there. Being a recluse or gigolo are other inappropriate behaviors. Being shy is a form of control, much the was silence is. We are all doing something to get seconds of attention because we are so starved for affection.
So, taking this idea to heart, I wondered what we can do about our bad behavior which would help us, the Middle Singles Program, and others around us. I have an idea.
If we go back to the basics, way back, maybe we could find help. I remember when I was really little in elementary I learned something called “The Golden Rule.” I was fascinated by this. I had to really think about the words or I would get mixed up in saying it because it was not normal English to me, at the time. “Do Unto Others, As You Would Have Others Do Unto You.” Kind of catchy I thought.
Now, taking our basic idea, let's expound upon it. First, we are doing something. Kind of implies a level of responsibility. Kind of implies also that if you are wrong, it could qualify as sin. If I hit you, I am doing something. And it's wrong. Gotta stop.
Second, the idea that I am making a choice. “As” is defined as: to such a degree or extent, similarly, or equally. That means that both have equal importance. Both have equal reasons to be considered. Both matter in this event.
Third, the idea that we want something. We want to be treated like the Children of God that we are. We know we are divine in nature but down here on earth we sometimes, actually more often than not, tend to forget that. But if we only focus on our divine nature, and forget the others, the scale is not in balance and therefore, we are doing it wrong.
The best way to do it is to keep both parties equal in the equation. So, when you disagree, no one has more power, influence, or importance than the other. When you choose something together, no one gets to overrule the other because they do something they think sets them apart or above the other. When you are bound as one, you are equal in the partnership and that is an important key to remember in your relationships. When someone sets themselves above or below the other, there is no more equality and therefore, no more relationship.
But, I am getting ahead of myself. I only wanted to discuss getting to that point really. Consider that a bonus if you like.
So, let's assume you have met someone. They like you, you like them. Things are going okay in the beginning. If you get to this point, do not faint. It is not a lark. If this is someone you want to really be with for eternities to come, the foundation you set in the beginning is the stability you will have in the future. We all know this, but I want to spell things out in a bit different manner.
First off, we all have baggage. Mine is black. Wait. That's my luggage. Same thing, actually. A persons baggage does not matter when it comes to love. Stop. Do not argue with me. Let me explain first. If you like being judged for everything in your past, then you are right. But, if you would like to be forgiven for past mistakes, mishaps, and terrible things done, then listen. We came to this earth to be tried, tested, and pretty much put through the wringer. Do you really think people will not get hurt in the process? Do you really think there is someone over the age of 8 who has never done something that embarrasses them? Do you really think that you are going to find a 40 year old with the body and stamina of an 18 year old? Think again. Get real in your expectations. Stop looking in their baggage and passing judgment and maybe they will leave yours alone. My philosophy is that I am really not interested in someones past relationships for two reasons. One, I am not looking for reasons to end it, so finding out all their complaints is not going to help me, two, well, that's just it. There is only room for two in my relationships, not 25. Keep the past behind you. Let it go. All it does is make you insecure because if they are talking about someone else, bringing up the past, you realize they are thinking about SOMEONE ELSE, NOT YOU, and then you wonder why they start comparing. You started it. So stop it. Before you open your mouth. Let it go.
So, letting go of our insecurities and need to sift through their baggage, we can then move on to something only mature adults can handle. It's called love. You see, only when you stop being selfish in a relationship can you ever really love someone. Only when you put aside your fears can trust grow. Only when you let go of your doubts can security settle over you. Only when you put the past behind you can you move into the future.
And I know how to do this. Well, hypothetically, anyway. I have noticed that everyone seems to have what I call a minefield around them. Things kind of blow up if you get too close. If you start to make someone feel something real and unfamiliar, like love, they kind of panic and retreat. (All sorts of “red flag” items could be listed here.) If you look for this behavior and notice how much it looks like someone dumping you, you might see how many mistakes you have made in the past. When you tell someone you love them and they get up and leave, it's not because they do not love you, it's because they are terrified and are running away. If they really did not like you, they would lie to you and say “ditto” or something trite. Now, the problem here is if they say they love you too. Are they lying or are they sincere? Eek. How to tell? How to tell? Well, first mistake you do not want to make is to tell them they do not. (Learned that one the hard way.) Second, do not ask them if they are sure. (Ditto.) Third, do not ask them why. (I confess: guilty.) What you really do is just let it be. Believe. Soak up the love they offer and stop trying to pick it apart. If you do, you will unravel it and lose it. (Sad, but I learned that one the hard way too.)
Afterwards, you go home and you pray about it. You tell the Lord you need personal revelation on the matter. He can tell you if it is a lie. He can tell you if it is safe. He can tell you if this is something you should pursue. He will listen to your hopes and dreams, your fears and worries, and He, and only He, knows the truth in all things. Many men told me they loved me and they did at the time. But then things happened to change that. This is the next thing I want to address.
Once you are “going” together, boyfriend/girlfriend, you have entered a very vulnerable stage. You are now open to interpretation by your friends who give much unsolicited advice. Many might secretly want you to fail because everyone knows “Two's company, three's a crowd.” Let your friend go if you must. Push them away in the same manner Christ did Peter when he said he did not want Him to die. Satan in there, in your midst always and seeks to keep you alone and miserable. I am very serious about this. What good is a friend who only points out the bad and encourages you to mistrust a love freely given? You do not have to end it altogether, but protect yourself and give them nothing to talk about. Make them wait until you have made up your mind, then tell them what you have decided. You are unsure enough without someone throwing a brick at this tender relationship.
Okay, now to the hard stuff. I have found that this is when things hurt the most. You see, you are now revealing things about yourself “as they really are.” Not because you were lying before, but because now you are letting someone in a bit deeper and that makes you vulnerable. You are open to interpretation and criticism. They can look at you “naked” emotionally and hurt you more now. It is fragile. This is when charity and The Golden Rule are needed most, not least. This is when you turn the other cheek and bite your tongue. Not when you meet someone and hardly know them. That's when you tell someone the truth, but keep it to a minimum. This is when you hold someone's heart in your hands and are responsible for your behavior.
This is when you are in the minefield. This is when you scare them the most. But the good news is, they want you to succeed. They want you to make it through the minefield, to gain all their trust and devotion. We all want to give it. While you are wandering their minefield, they are wandering yours. As their scary bombs are going off, so are yours. People get hurt in minefields.
Never forget that point. Love hurts. At first anyway. You have to tear apart that protective wall they built to get to their heart and it causes both people pain. So, there you are, hurting each other, loving it, right? Well, no. But, enduring to the end is our motto. And think of the honor that is to come if you persevere. Think of the gift of their life if you succeed. Think of how beautiful love is in the end and fight for it. Put down the sword you use to hurt people with like the mean words you say and the selfish attitudes and the pride you carry on your shoulder, and humble yourself and submit to the beating required of you to gain the reward. It is not so uncommon an idea, just maybe never imagined you would have to do it for some guy or girl. Right? Well, if you can do it for Christ, are not His Children good enough then, too?
Remember, I said you had to let go of the pride. This minefield is not really all that hard. All you have to do is put the others needs consciously above your own. All you have to do is commit to them and love them wholly and completely. All you have to do is live the gospel in it's purity and the rewards are there for the taking. I for one blame my stupid mistakes for the ending of many relationships. I never said what was on my mind, then blamed them for not knowing it. They needed to be mind readers. I looked for flaws and found countless ones. Eventually, they felt they could never measure up, and left. I argued and I was silent. I never said what I wanted to do, then I complained about what we did. Okay, guys, I am reformed. These things are in the past. But, there are plenty of things they did which did not help. They did not call often enough. They forgot to tend to the emotional side of things. They forgot to be cute and sweet. They forgot to be respectful after the first few minutes. They forgot to tell me it was over and I had to stew and fuss for weeks before I figured it out.
Both sides are guilty of bad behavior. That's why you are single. I want firesides which point out all the mistakes we make so we can correct them. Not some fire and brimstone, beat up one side then the other. I want a real solution and honesty about the problem. I want to understand why people do what they do. I want to understand what I can do to make myself better in a relationship. Apparently I do not know. Apparently, neither do you. Or you would be married and so would I. I want workshops where I safely practice my skills. I want game nights where I can feel safe and explore new ideas and look for clues and get smarter about dating. I am tired of dance after dance where all we do is grope in the dark and have a pseudo sexual experience, then go home empty and alone.
Yes, I said sexual experience. What do you think dancing is? It is provocative and inviting. It is showing how your body moves to rhythm. You are giving clues and hints as to how suitable you would be as a mate. Granted, some do this “dance” better than others, that's why it is so unfair to make it the only way we are allowed as member of the Church to meet and mingle and pick our future companion.
Much is needed by way of a reformation in the Middle Singles Program. And, it will not happen unless you make it happen. Until that time, probably not until the latter half of the millennium perhaps, you are on your own. So, study up on human nature. Find out why guys and girls behave the way they do. Before you go grabbing books off the rack and surf the Internet, may I suggest a better avenue in finding your answers. It's called prayer. And scripture study. Only through the Spirit are you going to be able to know what one person is thinking. Yes, you can find generalities everywhere. We call them stereotypes. They are prejudicial and judgmental. I would steer clear of them. I would go right to the source. I would go to the head Man and ask Him what He thinks, then act accordingly. If you do this, you will have fewer mistakes and less grief in your life. To each his own they say, so also, leave everyone else's relationships alone and do not comment so much. You see, you probably do not know as much as you think you do. And if you are right, prayer is good then too. The Spirit gives all sorts of direction and when we come from a place of love, we are heard more often because we are not attacking or forcing our will on someone else. I pray that each of us will find someone who we can be willing to go through the fiery furnace for. Then actually do it.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
I Need To Be Needed
Service is a good thing to do in our lives. It uplifts those who are down, plus we get an added boost ourselves as we see others smile or feel relief. We can even find we are greatful seeing what others must go through and how much we are often spared in our lives. Service helps us look at things in a less selfish manner as we put others needs ahead of our own. I like being around people and serving them because I all ways seem to feel like I come out ahead, rather than the other way around. I like to call someone to cheer them up and leave feeling cheered up. I like to go help someone and leave feeling helped. It is truly amazing to see how time and time again, no matter how many times I check it out, it just seems to all ways work this way. I seem to gain more than I give. It does not make sense. It's magical. I know it could be explained and there is some logical sense to it that only the Lord fully understands, and I will just have to wait until I get that knowledge. But I still like playing around with it and seeing the miracle happen.
Lately, I have been thinking about how we need to be loved. It is as important as being fed or sheltered. Without it we die. Putting this with service, I began to think that maybe we have missed out on something important in regards to serving others. Let me try to explain this new and seemingly complicated idea I am having.
It comes down to this: I need someone to need me. Specifically, to need to serve me, to need to love me, to need to help me. I need someone who thinks about ways they can help me and make things better for me. Traditionally, when I would imagine someone needing me, I thought of various chores I could perform for them and called it service. You know, take dinner over to them, move clothes through, vaccum, wash dishes. Even visiting someone is something I can do for them. But then I realized this could be seen as ME needing to serve THEM, not them needing to be served. In other words, being needed could actually mean that someone needs to love and serve me, and I need to be there for them to do that.
Bare with me as I try to go farther with this. In a relationship, we know that we need to love and care for each other and that if we do not value the other person, the relationship will fail. So, with this new way of looking at needing someone, I need someone to need to love me, to care for me and to watch me grow into the daughter of God I was meant to be. I need someone who puts me first in their life, because it makes them feel better to do so, and they get a little boost doing it. I need someone who takes a scary step in the relationship because they need me to do the same and they are willing to do it first, rather than sit back with fear and pride and blame me for not knowing their needs. I need someone who needs to live the gospel so they use me as the means of doing it. I need someone who needs to serve another of God's children and I get to be the lucky one they do it with.
I need someone to call me on the phone and say they just needed to hear my voice. I need someone to come visit me because they needed to see me. I need someone to do something for me because they needed to show their love for me. I need someone to look at service in a new way and need to need me. Because that way, the spirit can enter in and work miracles.
Lately, I have been thinking about how we need to be loved. It is as important as being fed or sheltered. Without it we die. Putting this with service, I began to think that maybe we have missed out on something important in regards to serving others. Let me try to explain this new and seemingly complicated idea I am having.
It comes down to this: I need someone to need me. Specifically, to need to serve me, to need to love me, to need to help me. I need someone who thinks about ways they can help me and make things better for me. Traditionally, when I would imagine someone needing me, I thought of various chores I could perform for them and called it service. You know, take dinner over to them, move clothes through, vaccum, wash dishes. Even visiting someone is something I can do for them. But then I realized this could be seen as ME needing to serve THEM, not them needing to be served. In other words, being needed could actually mean that someone needs to love and serve me, and I need to be there for them to do that.
Bare with me as I try to go farther with this. In a relationship, we know that we need to love and care for each other and that if we do not value the other person, the relationship will fail. So, with this new way of looking at needing someone, I need someone to need to love me, to care for me and to watch me grow into the daughter of God I was meant to be. I need someone who puts me first in their life, because it makes them feel better to do so, and they get a little boost doing it. I need someone who takes a scary step in the relationship because they need me to do the same and they are willing to do it first, rather than sit back with fear and pride and blame me for not knowing their needs. I need someone who needs to live the gospel so they use me as the means of doing it. I need someone who needs to serve another of God's children and I get to be the lucky one they do it with.
I need someone to call me on the phone and say they just needed to hear my voice. I need someone to come visit me because they needed to see me. I need someone to do something for me because they needed to show their love for me. I need someone to look at service in a new way and need to need me. Because that way, the spirit can enter in and work miracles.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
My Lamp And Oil
I sit here thinking. I am sad. I cannot fake it as much as I used to be able to. I think of the gospel and what I have been taught. I recall a talk not too long ago, I think it was in General Conference, but I am not sure exactly. In this talk it was said that every sin I commit today is another drop of blood Christ had to shed for me so long ago. At first, I thought about this and everytime I did something wrong, my thoughts went dramatically to another red spash on the ground, mixing with the ones prior, all because of my wickedness.
I think of those drops now. Along with the drops I am to put inside my lamp. Bit by bit, I am to build my testimony, live righteously and gain knowledge and understanding. Yet, day by day, those red drops keep falling, seemingly faster than I can fill my lamp. I cannot keep pace with them. The harder I try, the more I seem to fail.
I wonder how many hopes and dreams, now dried up, He had to pay for? I wonder if my savior thought of me, as I am right now, as He bled? I wonder if He thought about the LDS Middle Singles Program as those precious drops fell? I wonder how many dances are in that puddle at His feet? How many? I wonder.
I think of the alarming news we hear about, yet one piece of news is not mentioned, though it is most alarming to me. The singles represent the largest "group" in the Church, yet they are the smallest number in attendance. Why is that? Because they do not go to church. It's easy to figure that one out. Many will say it is for foolish reasons, the most insulting, yet most common, is that they did not have a strong enough testimony.
I recall a story from my youth. In it a young boy asked his grandma why she went to church every week even though she knew so much about the gospel all ready. The wise old grandma told the boy to take a pail and fill it with water and bring it to her. As he did, the water seeped out of holes rusted through on the bottom. By the time he got the bucket to her, it was empty. She told him that this bucket represented her spirit each week at church. She went to fill it up, and as the days passed, it became empty, and she had to go back to fill it back up again.
Sometimes I go to church and my bucket is not filled.
Sometimes I go to a singles activity and feel like someone busted out the bottom of my bucket.
Sometimes I go to bed at night, unable to sleep because of the pain in my heart.
I have holes in my lamp. That vessil meant to keep my testimony safe and secure, is leaking. If I spend time patching it up, then I am not filling it. If I try to fill it, then the holes just seem to get bigger and it leaks faster. I really wish there was a "do-over" button in life.
I think of those drops now. Along with the drops I am to put inside my lamp. Bit by bit, I am to build my testimony, live righteously and gain knowledge and understanding. Yet, day by day, those red drops keep falling, seemingly faster than I can fill my lamp. I cannot keep pace with them. The harder I try, the more I seem to fail.
I wonder how many hopes and dreams, now dried up, He had to pay for? I wonder if my savior thought of me, as I am right now, as He bled? I wonder if He thought about the LDS Middle Singles Program as those precious drops fell? I wonder how many dances are in that puddle at His feet? How many? I wonder.
I think of the alarming news we hear about, yet one piece of news is not mentioned, though it is most alarming to me. The singles represent the largest "group" in the Church, yet they are the smallest number in attendance. Why is that? Because they do not go to church. It's easy to figure that one out. Many will say it is for foolish reasons, the most insulting, yet most common, is that they did not have a strong enough testimony.
I recall a story from my youth. In it a young boy asked his grandma why she went to church every week even though she knew so much about the gospel all ready. The wise old grandma told the boy to take a pail and fill it with water and bring it to her. As he did, the water seeped out of holes rusted through on the bottom. By the time he got the bucket to her, it was empty. She told him that this bucket represented her spirit each week at church. She went to fill it up, and as the days passed, it became empty, and she had to go back to fill it back up again.
Sometimes I go to church and my bucket is not filled.
Sometimes I go to a singles activity and feel like someone busted out the bottom of my bucket.
Sometimes I go to bed at night, unable to sleep because of the pain in my heart.
I have holes in my lamp. That vessil meant to keep my testimony safe and secure, is leaking. If I spend time patching it up, then I am not filling it. If I try to fill it, then the holes just seem to get bigger and it leaks faster. I really wish there was a "do-over" button in life.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Waiting In Line For A Miracle
I watch as others around me have answers to their prayers. The big ones I mean. The miracles we tell over and over as faith building examples.
These do not build faith for me. They make me sad and depressed and lonely. I feel...forgotten. Forgotten by everyone. Especially Heavenly Father.
Today He showed me that I am not forgotten. He sent a messenger to explain something I had forgotten. That is, the time it takes for a miracle to happen.
Let's go back to 3 Nephi. Christ has the power to bless everyone all at once. He has the power to heal everyone all at once. But He chose to bless and heal the people one at a time. It was not meant to be a showing off of His mightiness, but a tender moment of love between two individuals.
He asked for the children to be brought to Him. And then he blessed them. One at a time. Someone was first. Someone else was last. But each was known by name and loved and blessed equally. I am in line. Waiting for my miracle to still come.
I can see Him. He is not too far away from me right now. And when the person in front of me is finished, I will hear Him call out my name, as He extends His hand out to me in love. Then it will be my turn to be blessed. Then it will be my turn to bask in His love. Then it will be my turn to be healed form my wounds.
I will shed tears of joy and the time spent waiting will be as nothing. That is the miracle of Christ and His infinite atonement. Amazing.
These do not build faith for me. They make me sad and depressed and lonely. I feel...forgotten. Forgotten by everyone. Especially Heavenly Father.
Today He showed me that I am not forgotten. He sent a messenger to explain something I had forgotten. That is, the time it takes for a miracle to happen.
Let's go back to 3 Nephi. Christ has the power to bless everyone all at once. He has the power to heal everyone all at once. But He chose to bless and heal the people one at a time. It was not meant to be a showing off of His mightiness, but a tender moment of love between two individuals.
He asked for the children to be brought to Him. And then he blessed them. One at a time. Someone was first. Someone else was last. But each was known by name and loved and blessed equally. I am in line. Waiting for my miracle to still come.
I can see Him. He is not too far away from me right now. And when the person in front of me is finished, I will hear Him call out my name, as He extends His hand out to me in love. Then it will be my turn to be blessed. Then it will be my turn to bask in His love. Then it will be my turn to be healed form my wounds.
I will shed tears of joy and the time spent waiting will be as nothing. That is the miracle of Christ and His infinite atonement. Amazing.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
The Dance. (Or Was It?)
My daughter went to a dance for the Young Men/Young Women the other night. She came home and was telling me about it when I interrupted and asked for clarification. I asked how many times she was asked to dance. Once. And it was the last dance by a non-member. I joked and told her she was well on her way to knowing how it would be at a Singles Dance when she grew up: Getting dressed up pretty, spending your time “listening” to the music, hanging out with your “girl” friends. Not getting asked to dance. Not spending time getting to know how to act in any normal way with a boy at all. Not telling jokes and making someone of the opposite sex laughing so you may gain confidence in your ability to attract.
I was devastated.
I have wondered how we came to be at this point; in our world, in our church. I remember my mother telling me stories about how much fun it was to go dancing and roller skating and how guys asked her to dance all the time and she flirted like mad with them. She was beautiful and she felt it. I guess you could say that sometime in the 60's, (probably in direct correlation to the “women's movement”,) it all fell apart. Women wanted to be treated as equals, (not the same,) but somehow it all became warped. Now we must reap the limited harvest of such events.
This is a touchy subject. So what. It's not like I leave anything alone, do I? I am not against the movement and I am not thinking women need to be put in their place. Quite the contrary. I believe that the eternal roles of man and woman need to be learned here on earth. In fact, the same daughter who went to the dance asked me what our Mother in Heaven's role was. Such deep thought from someone so young should not astonish us. I was unable to give her a clear answer, but she summed it up herself and said, “She loves and teaches us.” Such simple words for such profound subject matter.
Too often, in general, we as Children of God give up too easily and put up with too much. The adage: “how much crap you put up with is exactly how much you will get” is profound. It involves great anger, indignation and tough words. However, the opposite which involves being cowed, brow-beaten, demeaned and made fun of is equally profound and requires consideration. Neither tells the whole story, you see. Both are one-sided and highly prejudicial. Neither involves love and forgiveness. Neither is meek and submissive or long-suffering. Neither gets to the real problem which is that we all have pain in our hearts which hurts us all the time and needs to be healed. Neither attitude gets you more friends. You may say being cowed is being meek, but it is not. Meekness is strength in character and has integrity. Being brow-beaten is not submissive, it is abuse. We constantly accept fake pearls for the real thing.
Back to the dance. I will let my daughter go to these simple dances and let her see for herself just how correct I am in my opinion of them. She must learn for herself that there is little out there for members of the church in regards to our eternal progression. (By that I mean getting married.) She will learn for herself that issues are never addressed. Problems never fixed. Boys and girls always hide out in the corner or only dance with the “model” people. If you speak out against the system, you are brow-beaten into submission. And finally, if you want to get married, there most certainly has to be a better way to do it than going to a Singles dance on Friday night. Amen!
I was devastated.
I have wondered how we came to be at this point; in our world, in our church. I remember my mother telling me stories about how much fun it was to go dancing and roller skating and how guys asked her to dance all the time and she flirted like mad with them. She was beautiful and she felt it. I guess you could say that sometime in the 60's, (probably in direct correlation to the “women's movement”,) it all fell apart. Women wanted to be treated as equals, (not the same,) but somehow it all became warped. Now we must reap the limited harvest of such events.
This is a touchy subject. So what. It's not like I leave anything alone, do I? I am not against the movement and I am not thinking women need to be put in their place. Quite the contrary. I believe that the eternal roles of man and woman need to be learned here on earth. In fact, the same daughter who went to the dance asked me what our Mother in Heaven's role was. Such deep thought from someone so young should not astonish us. I was unable to give her a clear answer, but she summed it up herself and said, “She loves and teaches us.” Such simple words for such profound subject matter.
Too often, in general, we as Children of God give up too easily and put up with too much. The adage: “how much crap you put up with is exactly how much you will get” is profound. It involves great anger, indignation and tough words. However, the opposite which involves being cowed, brow-beaten, demeaned and made fun of is equally profound and requires consideration. Neither tells the whole story, you see. Both are one-sided and highly prejudicial. Neither involves love and forgiveness. Neither is meek and submissive or long-suffering. Neither gets to the real problem which is that we all have pain in our hearts which hurts us all the time and needs to be healed. Neither attitude gets you more friends. You may say being cowed is being meek, but it is not. Meekness is strength in character and has integrity. Being brow-beaten is not submissive, it is abuse. We constantly accept fake pearls for the real thing.
Back to the dance. I will let my daughter go to these simple dances and let her see for herself just how correct I am in my opinion of them. She must learn for herself that there is little out there for members of the church in regards to our eternal progression. (By that I mean getting married.) She will learn for herself that issues are never addressed. Problems never fixed. Boys and girls always hide out in the corner or only dance with the “model” people. If you speak out against the system, you are brow-beaten into submission. And finally, if you want to get married, there most certainly has to be a better way to do it than going to a Singles dance on Friday night. Amen!
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