I Had A Plan & No One Wants To Marry Me (A 2 Part Series Together)

I Had A Plan (Part I)

I had a plan. I was young when I made it up. I was going to grow up, get married and climb the “Corporate Ladder.” I was ambitious in my naivety. I was going to have a baby, without much thought about how that happens, how long it takes, how you take care of them or how much work they were. I liked to babysit and I liked my nephews, so I wanted a baby. I was going to have a house too. I remember as a little girl, like maybe 10 years old, I would draw these elaborate pictures over and over again about my future house. It had 85 stories in it. 83 underground. It was easier to heat it and keep it cool that way, plus no one knew all the cool things you had so they did not want to go in your house and steal it all away from you. I had a tennis court, a swimming pool, a ballroom, the works. I never thought about how much it would cost, or even if it could be done. It was what I wanted.

I was also going to live next door to my sister, her house being the same with the underground world too. We planned a glass walkway between our houses so that in any kind of weather we could go to the others any time we wanted.

Our husbands were going to be best friends. And if they did not like us, (the sisters,) then they did not have a chance with us. We loved each other and would never let someone get in the way of our relationship. Our kids would go to school together, all dozen or so of them, and they would grow up best friends too.

Somewhere in there was a hope for the Lord, but a great desire to have Him around constantly came later as I grew and matured and began to understand how wonderful it was when He helped out.

I should tell you that things did not go as planned. Obviously. For starters, I rent and the one-level basement leaks. While I have children, I did not have the 12 planned. I do not speak to my sister any longer for personal reasons I will not disclose and I have never met her husband. Now, before you jump on the fact that I do not speak to my sister, let me tell you that I have good reason to stay away as she has too much influence on me for bad than I like, so I stay away out of protection for myself and my children. So, having said all that, I remember something I heard once:

If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.

I think I had Him rolling on the floor.

As I grew up, life began to take on more reality for me and I began to see things more clearly. Or so I thought. I remember thinking about kissing and marrying every boy I met. No matter how far-fetched it seemed at the time. I was curious about it. Many did not make it passed the instant the idea started to form and some......lingered much longer. I saw boys as being strong and someone I needed to lean on for safety and security and many “let me down.” My life entered a whirlwind which spun to fast for me to think, let alone PLAN!!!

I began, at 16, to worry that no one would ever want to marry me. I thought I was doomed to a life of loneliness. It felt like the worst thing that could ever happen to me.

No One Wants To Marry Me (Part II)

Today, I listened to a talk in Sacrament meeting about adversity. The woman spoke of her daughter and how, while in high school and college, her daughter had those common feelings everyone seems to have that no one will want to marry her. She is now happily married, young and expecting their second child.

I wanted to throw up. Okay, not really, but something vile came up into the back of my throat. I hate how young people who just seem to have everything work out fine for them are held up as the shining examples of overcoming adversity. I hate how I am compared to someone half my age and told how they are coping and managing just fine with their problems and why can't I? I think about how that fear of someone not ever wanting to marry me has become this big dark monster that comes out in the daylight now because he is so strong. I think about how that fear has numbed me to the point that it is no longer a fear: it is a fact.

We go to activities, we try to meet people, and all we do is look ourselves in the mirror and wonder why we are a lone. I am the Lone Ranger. I am a side kick, more like the obligatory poor soul, which no one notices. I think of how many people have told me they think of me when they hear stories of singles and their struggle, but they do nothing for me. Just think of me.

So, I sit at home, feeling sad and lonely because no one wants to marry me.

I have news for you. I know someone out there wants to marry me. I just have not met him yet. I may have come close, or not even close, but SOMEONE exists who would have me as their wife!!!!! This I know in the depths of my heart. My spirit cries out of my self-worth and the wonderful things I have to share with someone. My heart carries within my breast a deep abiding love for SOMEONE!!! I just have not met them yet. I know that if we met, we would enjoy getting to know each other. I know we would have much in common, but enough differences to be interesting. We would both have too much life experience to ever share with each other completely and we would be so happy, we would never stop smiling.

But I have not met him yet.

I have not had the chance because all we ever do is dances, firesides, and temple nights. We are a very boring program.

So, my heart aches, fighting Satan's lie that no one wants to marry me. Some days he wins, some days I win. This was will only end when I finally meet the man who wants to marry me and not one day sooner. I don't know about you, but just thinking about how never ending the situation is, makes me tired.