I had this relationship a few years ago that was life changing. First of all, we were friends for a while before I even realized that we were falling into something deeper. (I was not even initially attracted to her. That changed.) Second, I learned some not-so-obvious things about what people should expect from each other in a relationship.
What am I saying here? I guess I am ready to admit to myself and the world that there is only so much you can do to prepare for marriage. No matter how prepared you may think you are, there will always be little (or big) issues that can only be solved through the act of being in a relationship. We are all to a greater or lesser extend blind-sighted to some of our most invisible flaws, insecurities, and issues when we are single and not in a long-term relationship for a significant amount of time. Is this not so? I can tell you that in my experience it is. I and this wonderful woman I nearly married had what can be termed "incompatible issues." Her insecurities and mine did not function so well together, eventually. Could they have worked themselves out? I believe so. She did not, I suppose. But we loved each other a great deal and it was a great relationship. Drama free? No. But the love was unsurpassed in my world...and she suggested that the relationship was, in several crucial ways, just as fabulous for her. But then there were those other things that made us both scared, impatient, and bewildered. You know, those little misunderstandings on an otherwise perfect day together. Or those big things that kept us almost at an end for weeks...until love and gravity brought us together again for while.
But having overcome the demise of this particular relationship that changed my life, I am left to thank God for it, and to hopefully learn something about myself and how I can become more compatible with love in general. After all, when you have lived more of your life alone, there is always much to learn about one's self, and (again) about love.
If there is any real point to this post it is that I hope that I am able to be patient, hopeful, and kind to whomever I find myself loved by and loving in the future. I hope I remember that, as everyone, we are both injured people doing our best with what we have; that this is a human thing more than an individual thing.
I believe this is a problem for Single Mormons, particularly because we are so concerned with perfection in ourselves...and others. We sometimes forget that the Saviour and Heavenly Father are the the only souls who have a monopoly on perfection. We also forget that, just as we have to learn how to learn our native language, we must also learn the language of love...sometimes again and again...through pain, sorrow, resentment, and anger. I wonder how many of us lose out for years on love just because the one we "once loved" was imperfect in some communicatory way regarding love and loving. So sad for both. Indeed it is so hard to have faith that, in time, love itself will cure many of these fears and foibles. (This is why I believe in long courting...and short engagements.)
I hope we all can find what we are looking for and whom we are looking for. I hope we recognize love for what it is. And when it steps in, with all of its hopeful, fractured majesty, embrace it without hesitation. Completely.
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