We talked about what was the “right” thing to do and we prayed about it. He tried to address the kids who were putting down the other kid and they justified it with excuses. They said they had “tried” to be nice, but he was still a jerk, so they gave up. My son was at a loss for words, so he said nothing. When he came home, he told me about it and I explained a simple truth to him.
I said when you put a tourniquet on your arm, you cut off the blood flow. When you remove the tourniquet and blood rushes to the part of your arm previously denied life giving blood, it HURTS! We all know how bad it feels to have a leg or arm go “asleep” and then “wake up.” It is painful sometimes, especially if it has been some time without blood flow.
Taking this phenomena of pain occurring when blood is restored, I likened it to the pain we must feel when love is restored to a place it had been denied. I explained to my son that when you have been beaten down, ridiculed, made out as the butt of jokes, told how worthless you are, demeaned, and uncared about, you cut the flow off to certain parts of your emotional being in order to stem the bleeding; to stop the pain. When kindness is restored, when sweetness comes, it is like the tourniquet being removed and greater pain comes because of the restoration of life giving hope. And it does hurt. When you try to uplift someone who is so beaten down with negativity, they lash out at you. They want the greater pain to stop. They are not rational enough to know what is going on; they only feel the pain. The pain overwhelms them and is top priority. The brain is saying: “Do whatever it takes to stop this!” And we do. We lash out in our pain, (hurting those who seem to be causing this great pain in our hearts with their kindness), with our own rudeness, our sneers, and our anger. We are afraid that the pain will not stop.
My son decided to tell the kids about the tourniquet on our emotions and they scoffed at it and dismissed it. So, he decided to give it a try himself. He said he started to stand up for this gruff boy who looked for ways to unnerve people. He told him how good he was and complimented him. And then he saw the truth of the tourniquet. Suddenly my son was getting put down, he was being attacked by this “bully”. He confessed to me a few weeks later that it was very hard to like this kid at all anymore because of the effectiveness of his attacks. He knew and understood the theory and even knew what was happening, but it did not change the outcome. He stopped standing up for someone who did not appreciate it, and everything went back to the way it was. Sort of. He did not really like hanging out with any of the kids much after that and withdrew from them all. They lost out and so did he. I do not fault him for doing so, he is in high school and it is tough enough without taking on someones emotional hurts and trying to heal them in one semester. But he learned a great lesson, and so did I.
When it comes to our interpersonal relationships, those with our friends, neighbors, or fellow church members, I have noticed that we all have painful situations which we usually do not like to talk about. Or if we do talk about it, we do so in an inappropriate manner such as with our friends where we do nothing more than complain and minimize our own wrong doing. We all like to avoid the truth which is very ugly and painful sometimes. We all like to make our lives appear like sitcoms or billboard ads. Nothing makes us more miserable than this, yet we continue in earnest. We suffer because we are not like so and so. We are depressed because we are not rich or glamorous. We constantly compare ourselves to others and wonder why we are so miserable. The grass is all ways greener no matter which side you stand on. There are so many simple sayings about blooming where you are planted and making lemonade out of lemons, yet we shrug them off as stupid or trite when it is the pseudo lives we follow in the media which are stupid and trite.
There are people who need us. They live with us, next to us, and all around us. We have the opportunity today, this very minute, to make a difference in their lives. An appropriate difference which will bring about more good in their lives than anything else. It's like the adage: give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach him to fish and he eats for life. If you give some one a sincere compliment, you feed his soul today. If you teach a person to like themselves, they are strong enough to pass the lesson on to others. Someone gave you the blessings you have. Someone praised you, helped you, nurtured you. It was hard work for them and they had to put up with your bad attitude and your snottiness. Can you not pass on the goodness to another? Can you not bless others as you have been so richly blessed? If you think you are the one who has a tourniquet on their arm, you know what to do: be aware and heal. Yes, I do know how hard it is to do. I did it myself. I had to believe in someone: myself. More than ever before. I had to decide I was worth something. I had to put faith in my Lord and myself and value who I was. I had to curb my temper when the pain started. I was not always successful. And I had to get up each time I fell and do it all over again, even when it was not easy or fair.
There is a wealth of information out there just at our fingertips. The Holy Ghost will guide and direct our efforts for good. We will not fail if we are on the right team. That is the good news of the gospel. Prayer is a powerful tool we have been given and we can use it to do great good in this world. We all know the proper things to do. We do not admit to the less than pleasant parts about how we have to be around people who may swear or speak inappropriately, participate in habits which we know are wrong, or who lack the strength of testimony we enjoy. Boohoo. I do not feel very bad for you if you are whining and complaining. I have to get up everyday just like you do. I have to deal with unpleasant situations and people just like you do. I have to pour my heart and soul out day after day to someone who needs me whether it's my kids, a friend or a stranger who crosses my path. I do it so I can kneel by my bed at night and tell the Lord I did my very best today again. And pray I can do it all over again tomorrow.
Taking this phenomena of pain occurring when blood is restored, I likened it to the pain we must feel when love is restored to a place it had been denied. I explained to my son that when you have been beaten down, ridiculed, made out as the butt of jokes, told how worthless you are, demeaned, and uncared about, you cut the flow off to certain parts of your emotional being in order to stem the bleeding; to stop the pain. When kindness is restored, when sweetness comes, it is like the tourniquet being removed and greater pain comes because of the restoration of life giving hope. And it does hurt. When you try to uplift someone who is so beaten down with negativity, they lash out at you. They want the greater pain to stop. They are not rational enough to know what is going on; they only feel the pain. The pain overwhelms them and is top priority. The brain is saying: “Do whatever it takes to stop this!” And we do. We lash out in our pain, (hurting those who seem to be causing this great pain in our hearts with their kindness), with our own rudeness, our sneers, and our anger. We are afraid that the pain will not stop.
My son decided to tell the kids about the tourniquet on our emotions and they scoffed at it and dismissed it. So, he decided to give it a try himself. He said he started to stand up for this gruff boy who looked for ways to unnerve people. He told him how good he was and complimented him. And then he saw the truth of the tourniquet. Suddenly my son was getting put down, he was being attacked by this “bully”. He confessed to me a few weeks later that it was very hard to like this kid at all anymore because of the effectiveness of his attacks. He knew and understood the theory and even knew what was happening, but it did not change the outcome. He stopped standing up for someone who did not appreciate it, and everything went back to the way it was. Sort of. He did not really like hanging out with any of the kids much after that and withdrew from them all. They lost out and so did he. I do not fault him for doing so, he is in high school and it is tough enough without taking on someones emotional hurts and trying to heal them in one semester. But he learned a great lesson, and so did I.
When it comes to our interpersonal relationships, those with our friends, neighbors, or fellow church members, I have noticed that we all have painful situations which we usually do not like to talk about. Or if we do talk about it, we do so in an inappropriate manner such as with our friends where we do nothing more than complain and minimize our own wrong doing. We all like to avoid the truth which is very ugly and painful sometimes. We all like to make our lives appear like sitcoms or billboard ads. Nothing makes us more miserable than this, yet we continue in earnest. We suffer because we are not like so and so. We are depressed because we are not rich or glamorous. We constantly compare ourselves to others and wonder why we are so miserable. The grass is all ways greener no matter which side you stand on. There are so many simple sayings about blooming where you are planted and making lemonade out of lemons, yet we shrug them off as stupid or trite when it is the pseudo lives we follow in the media which are stupid and trite.
There are people who need us. They live with us, next to us, and all around us. We have the opportunity today, this very minute, to make a difference in their lives. An appropriate difference which will bring about more good in their lives than anything else. It's like the adage: give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach him to fish and he eats for life. If you give some one a sincere compliment, you feed his soul today. If you teach a person to like themselves, they are strong enough to pass the lesson on to others. Someone gave you the blessings you have. Someone praised you, helped you, nurtured you. It was hard work for them and they had to put up with your bad attitude and your snottiness. Can you not pass on the goodness to another? Can you not bless others as you have been so richly blessed? If you think you are the one who has a tourniquet on their arm, you know what to do: be aware and heal. Yes, I do know how hard it is to do. I did it myself. I had to believe in someone: myself. More than ever before. I had to decide I was worth something. I had to put faith in my Lord and myself and value who I was. I had to curb my temper when the pain started. I was not always successful. And I had to get up each time I fell and do it all over again, even when it was not easy or fair.
There is a wealth of information out there just at our fingertips. The Holy Ghost will guide and direct our efforts for good. We will not fail if we are on the right team. That is the good news of the gospel. Prayer is a powerful tool we have been given and we can use it to do great good in this world. We all know the proper things to do. We do not admit to the less than pleasant parts about how we have to be around people who may swear or speak inappropriately, participate in habits which we know are wrong, or who lack the strength of testimony we enjoy. Boohoo. I do not feel very bad for you if you are whining and complaining. I have to get up everyday just like you do. I have to deal with unpleasant situations and people just like you do. I have to pour my heart and soul out day after day to someone who needs me whether it's my kids, a friend or a stranger who crosses my path. I do it so I can kneel by my bed at night and tell the Lord I did my very best today again. And pray I can do it all over again tomorrow.
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