The Silent Questions In Our Heads

There is a dance tonight. The question on every singles mind is “Do I stay or do I go?” I want to know the answer to that question. I have to know first why I would go though? Why would I subject myself to this judgment, why would I subject myself to this disappointment? Why would I want to go, listen to some dumb music because “We must cater to all groups here” and eat fattening food and look at people faking it? Why would I do this to myself? I do not even live close to this dance. I have to carpool and spend money on the gas to get there.

If I go, what are my expectations? What do I want to achieve from such a night of socializing? Do I expect a date? Do I expect someone to ask for my phone number? Is it too forward to give out my number to someone who has not asked for it? Would I sit by the phone just as I would if they asked for it, or would I be able to let go of any hope in that case? Would I be able to go and not have any expectations at all?

Where will I find myself at the dance and afterwards? Will I sit at a table or along the wall? Will I go dance even if I have to do so alone? Will I take a walk outside in the night air because I am so sorry I came? Where will I put my hands if I am talking to someone and I am nervous? Where will I look if I am talking to someone I am not interested in and not sure how to let them know? Where will I be next week, next month, next year and does this dance have the ability to change the answers to those questions?

When will I stop worrying about the dances? When will I stop analyzing dances and the games people play in the dating game? When will I be someone who stops going all together and becomes the single old lady in the ward permanently? When will I meet someone who I fancy, who fancies me, and we get married? When will my Prince Charming come and I ride off into the sunset? When do I find myself alone in the house because my kids are all grown up and moved out and I wonder if I have any purpose in life? When will I say I have had enough and leave all together, forsaking my covenants? It has happened to many, why would I be immune?

Who will I see if I go? It has been so long since I went, would I recognize any one? Who will still be there from years ago and what on earth could be worse than seeing them and them seeing me, years after we first met, knowing we are both still single? Who will ask me to dance? Who will catch my eye? Who will be younger than me and who will be older? Who will scare me and who will delight me? Who will talk to me and will I be comfortable talking with them?

And the ultimate question on every ones mind is what will I wear!! I have to look good because I am tried, judged and condemned in the blink of an eye so I have to be perfect. Every strand of hair in place. Makeup must be flawless. My clothes must be top fashion and my shoes without smudge. I must have the looks of a model or I am not worth much. I am scanned and passed by for another. Or maybe no one, but I am passed by, as if I do not matter because I have a body that has begun it's slow decent towards the grave. I know this because I do it too. I judge people automatically, without even being aware of it. I have been trained by society to do this, as have everyone else over the age of like, a minute.

I have fears, hopes, dreams, failings, worries, funny stories to tell, gifts I am supposed to share with people, and a need to be loved. Am I really all that different than you? Yes, in many ways we are different because we were made that way. One of the most amazing things about life is how similar yet completely different we are from each other. It brings us closer and at the same time keeps things interesting. I like me. I think I am a wonderful woman with a great sense of humor, a strong character and a dazzling smile. What is not to love about me that is not equal in everyone else?

Actually, the most important question we could be asking ourselves is why are we, children of a loving Heavenly Father, so very hard on each other when what we are learning from the gospel is how important charity is. Without it we are nothing. Hum. Something to think about. The most important attribute someone can have is charity. Everything else is worthless in comparison. Well, I for one am going to go out and get me as much charity as possible so that someone who values me will certainly get a large serving of it.