Some Thoughts on Change

There is a member of my family who, in the 1970s and early 80s, spent the better part of her 20s and 30s as a Single in the Church. Recently, she described to me the general layout of what the Singles Program was in those days. From what she told me, other than the current tool of email, little has changed.



I know another lady in the Church, around the same age, who after having given up on the Singles Program about fifteen years ago, recently came back only to see that very little had changed in the Program. She then told me that she actually saw many of the same people that she had seen fifteen years ago at the current activities!

After hearing this, my mind turned to the current reality of inactivity within the Singles population of the Church. Because these people leave, it is often difficult to know the real reasons why. Those of us who stay are left to assume why they left. Is it just because they lacked a testimony? Or did a sense of hopelessness in really ever meeting a spouse in the Church finally get the best of them? In other words, did some of these inactive members mistakenly believe that they had to make a choice between God and a relationship?

Whatever the reason(s) for their leaving, it is ironic that they appear to be the ones making the loudest statement on just how they feel about the way things are. Whatever they lost in leaving, it is also our loss. The Church lost part of its population, and the active Singles lost out on being able to meet these people, befriend them, or date them.
There is strength in unity, and the Singles are no exception. I wonder if we could retrieve some of these "would be" active members. We could start by striving to retain our "at risk" brothers and sisters in the Singles Program by 1) reaching out to them by improving the quality of the program, and then telling them about it. This means that we should 2) strive to willingly participate in creating and attending new and different types of activities. But to do this we 3) have to be willing to be honest about what works and what does not work in the Singles Program. I mean all of us: those in Singles leadership positions and those of us who are not.

I can personally attest that no one cares about whether you meet someone in the program more than you, yourself. If you want change, you have to make it. Others may follow and benefit. But to sit and wait for the Program to officially change itself, may be a very long wait. A very long wait indeed.

In fact, this is one of the main reasons that this weblog was created. We, as Singles, need to take a good hard look at what is working and what is not, so that we may be the change that we seek. So, I ask you dear reader, what is and what isn't working in the Singles Program of the Church? In your opinion, how can we make it better?

The Storms of Life

Sometimes God calms the storm. And sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms the child. -Author Unknown


I think of how often this sentiment has been true in my life. Sometimes, when my heart hurt so much I thought it just might be possible to die of a broken heart, I found my pain lifted. And other times, danger all around me, I walked in a bubble, safely unaffected, nothing touching me. I have felt the Lord come and literally rescue me from danger on more than one occasion.

Too often I have to remind myself that this life is a test. Each and every day I must retake the exam; no matter how I did the day before. It is never ending and often tiresome. I said once that there just are not enough sunrises in my life. (I was speaking of beauty.) It seemed that the good was hardly ever there. Suddenly, I was noticing in books, movies, and in every day conversations just how hard life can be for everyone.

And then I realized an amazing thing for me: my heart was broken. Not in grief over the loss of a loved one either in death or breakup. The heartache I had was all encompassing. My heart wept for all things which were not pleasing unto God. My own sins and the atrocities around me. I wept for it all. As soon as I discovered this I began to feel good about myself. I had made a great achievement. Not quite a heartbeat after that thought came another: contrite spirit. I realized I had only gotten half way so far. Ever eager to take on more than I can chew, I decided to have a go at it and asked the Lord's help in getting there all the way, as you may say.

I never learn. I know from experience that next on the agenda is a general falling apart of my life, followed by a series of intense homework assignments, coupled with a physical ailment or two for good measure. I really cannot complain too much. I did ask for it. I just wish the Lord was not so predictable sometimes and surprised me with a “freebie” every now and again. Well, in all honesty, He does. Just not on the really “big” stuff, like helping me not be so full of pride or making me more loving towards my fellow men. (We do have this running joke about street lights between the two of us, however.) I equate these small favors to landing on “Free Parking”, just after someone else took all the money lying there.

At moments like that in my life, when grief and despair are my companions, when tears well up in my eyes, He comes. He doesn't always take the hurt or the problem away, but He comes. We have a relationship. We are friends. We argue. Okay, I argue. But we love each other deeply, and that is what matters. So, the storms can rage all they want around me. I reside safe in my Fathers arms.

If You Read Nothing Else on This Blog, Read This:

Alternate Title:

In our opinion, there are four different elements to a Singles activity that all Singles need in order for them to meet new potential dates. They are as follows:

1) The number of people present need to be few enough for the possibility of good conversation to occur freely and consistently.
2) Each activity needs to provide new faces as well as familiar faces. In other words, each person going to the activity needs to be able to meet new people, while also having familiar faces to turn to (i.e. "wing-man," or "wing-woman.")
3)All people at the activity need to have something legitimately fun to do, so that everyone has something to talk about besides the typical small talk so common in the "bar scene."

In our mutual experience, we have found that these three elements, along with a good attitude, decide to a great degree whether an activity is a success or a failure. Having said that, we have also come to the conclusion that "Game Nights" at some one's home is the quickest, cheapest way to fulfill all of these squares.

Here is how it is done: First, get a house to use. This can be home of one of the singles in your stake, or the home of a willing married family in your stake.

Second, decide who you are going to invite. In order to insure that new people will be present at each of these Game Nights, it is imperative to constantly invite new people. We have found that the best way to do this is to invite the members of your own stake, and those of one other stake within thirty miles of the party. For the next party after that, invite another stake.




This can be trickier than it seems. We are assuming that the creators of the Game Night are not Singles Representatives (after all, they have to get permission from several camps in order to put on such an event.) But as a regular single, YOU don't. But what you do have to do is get the telephone numbers of the singles in whatever stake you are interested in inviting. (We suggest using the telephone and/or snailmail rather than email in order to keep other non-invited singles from showing up in large numbers.) So encourage those who you contact to not go out and invite everyone they know to the event because you only want less than thirty or so people to come to the Game Night. We repeat, you do not want more than thirty people or so at any Game Night. Any more than that, and it becomes a crowd (just like most other unsuccessful activities we have all been to...too many people milling around a room looking at each other all night usually making forgetful, un-fun smalltalk.)

Third, make it cheap and fun by encouraging the guests to bring food and games. And have a great party. We believe you will. We have seen it over and over in our experience, and it consistently works.

Fourth, do it again every month or two with a different stake each time.

Oh, a few other tips for success at the party. 1) Do not have loud music at the party! This means no karaoke machines. Movies are not recommended either. Both serve as conversation inhibitors. Remember, people really want to talk to each other and have good conversation more than just about anything else you can provide them. 2) If it is kid-friendly, have a room set up for the kids with games, video games, etc.... 3) Let the party go late, if it wants to. Just make sure that the Spirit does not leave. 4)When you plan the party, try to not have it on the same night that some big Singles event is happening. However, don't feel that you have to have your party only on a night that nothing else is happening in the region. (Remember, YOU are what is happening in the region!) 5) For every ten people, there needs to be a separate game provided in a separate room. This means, that you may have two or three games going on at the same time (one in the living room, one in the dining room, and one in the garage, for instance.) 6) After the party, tell all of your friends about it, along with the template that we are describing here.

So, why do we want you to read this post so much? Because we believe that if the singles of the LDS Church make this the standard format for what an activity is (rather than dances, volleyball, Firesides, etc...) then we all have a chance to get what we want out of activities (a phone number, a date, a friend, and eventually maybe even a spouse.)



We believe the reason why so many do not achieve those things from typical activities is that there is usually little opportunity to HAVE ENOUGH LEGITIMATE FUN with a person to ever feel comfortable enough to ask for that phone number. Think about it. If a person cannot figure out if he/she likes a person enough to have a conversation with them, why would they want to put themselves though an entire evening...and all other anticipations a date can create in someone. In other words, that is what initial conversations are ALL ABOUT, and always have been for that matter. A conversation is a prelude to more, but only if you want more. But how do you know one way or the other when you are in a room of 100 or more people, with the lights low, and the music blaring? Or how do you do that when every small activity you go to consists of the same people you see at every other activity (sometimes the same people you see at Church on Sunday?)

As a last thought, imagine meeting some of these new acquaintances at a dance or Fireside in the near future. You will likely have much better odds of good conversation beyond "great cookies...and punch!"

May the force be with you, always.

Photo Ablums

I flip through my album of photo's and memories
The rocks and the mountains, lakes, rivers, and trees.
So many people and places I once have seen
The emotions are churning, my heart pure and clean.

I would rather not look at this thing called the past
Moments they come and go, never promising to last.
The could'ves, the should'ves, the maybes and dead hopes
My life is full of never's, no's, not now's, and nopes.

True, blessings have poured down from heaven upon little ol' me
My car runs, my kids love me, and we are sealed as a family.
But, just as the lakes, rivers, mountains and streams are unbroken
The Middle Singles Program remains the same: a pitiful token.

The photo albums of yesteryears at the dances and firesides
Are no different from the future: they're using the same guides.
Faces come and faces go, but not for the reason you suppose.
They leave in disgust, discomfort, displeasure, unwilling to disclose...

Their pain and loneliness to those not truly concerned.
You see faith, hope and trust are better enjoyed when they're earned.
Many will sit in judgment and say it's their own fault and choice
While yelling so loud they do not hear the others soft voice.

It is hard to be single, attend church, plus the activities
You see a single member addresses married as “Your Majesties.”
Then humbly bows their head in fear and disgust
Wondering who in the world, but another Single, can they trust?

The Prayer of Serenity

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change
The things I can.
And the wisdom
To know the difference.

May Singles in the church show more courage than caution.

How would it be if there was a different way for activities? A better way?! There is! Imagine activities where you knew you would meet someone new. Imagine a place, warm and cozy, with new faces, old faces, and it is not in the dark and you can hear when people talk. Speaking of that, imagine an activity where you CAN talk. Talking is allowed, desired, nay, encouraged and even EXPECTED!

There is such as idea. Check out “If you read nothing else on this blog, read this” to find the complete details.

Is it Really Possible to Date Non-Members?

How is it done? I mean really. How can a temple endowed single member of the Church really have a relationship with a non-member?
For me, experience has dictated that sex-before-marriage is, more or less, a requirement within a matter or months (or weeks) in such a relationship. And just as often, the subject of marriage comes up simultaneously whenever sex is brought up...which inevitably brings up the word "marriage" way too quickly. Either situation usually stops the show right there.
I am wondering what other singles' experiences are in such relationships, and how it they can be done with success. I am also interested in your dating and relationship disasters from such pairings. Personally, I have never been able to sustain a relationship with a non-member for more than a few months for reasons stated above.

Old News from the 4077th

Time shows its passing in the most benign and pleasant of places.

So, a friend of mine lent me the first season of M*A*S*H* last week. I have been addicted ever since. Having been a passive fan of the show, this is significant; for I take pride in the fact that I am not usually taken in by any TV show, past or present. In other words, if I watch any one show for three consecutive weeks, it's an anomily. To me, most sit-coms and evening dramas are a far distant second to a good PBS documentary, a non-fiction book, or a nap.

But as I watched one episode after another, laughing childishly the entire time, I concluded that had the show premiered today it would be as well received as it was in 1972. This sudden and extended revisitation with M*A*S*H* took me by complete surprise...and I found myself analyzing why I love this show so much.

I have my suspicions. First of all, the lines out of certain characters' mouths are timeless, perennially hip, and purely hilarious (specifically Col. Blake, Radar, Major Frank Burns, Hot Lips Hoolihan, and Hawkeye.) Ahhhh, Hawkeye. What a character! What lines! Then I noticed that another reason the show never feels "dated" is because everyone is in military garb, which always stays in style because it hardly ever changes.

Having been baptized in all things M*A*S*H* for well over a week, I decided to explore what Wikapedia had to say about the show, along with some details of the actors who for eleven years filled the screen with an olive-drab world filled with audible laughter. I was stunned by what I saw: Col. Blake and Major Burns are dead...and have been for years. Hot Lips is 7o; Hawkeye, 72. But I had been corresponding with their young versions for well for over a week and could not immediately bring myself up to date with their very real agedness. The emotion I was experiencing was something akin to sand falling from my fingers, or time running out in a race. How did these people get so old so fast?

Late last night, with a reluctant and somehow foreign pit in my gut, I went back to the remaining four unwatched episodes. Every wry Hawkeye grin had a twinge of sorrow in it. Every endearing Burns-Hoolihan love moment possessed the campy cuteness of

a "first kiss" by two ten-year-olds. All at once, the actors had become the playful shadows flitting about the playground...and with the early evening overcast, gone.

In 1983, what was left of the M*A*S*H troupe marched out of the 4077th and onto other dreams, obligations, other sitcoms, cinema, theater, and the rest of their lives. For those of theoriginal cast who remained on the series from beginning to end, their tour of duty had been nearly four times as long as the real Korean Conflict. Did the show really last eleven years? I am sure that time went fast for

all involved.

For me, time shows its passing in the subtlest of ways: In an old song heard while driving on the highway on a random Tuesday morning, 3am. A child's accidental grown-up facial expression, there and gone in a trick of the light. Or maybe the shape of the moon swimming in a sea of clouds in a late autumn midnight. Usually, these moments, cathartic as they are, can be all but forgotten within a space of hours...leaving me free to feel unconvicted, not guilty, and still safely young. Not so with this last one from old snapshots of the 4077th. What can I really say? That I'll never see M*A*S*H* again without it creating a paradoxical sense of urgency? Maybe. Maybe not. I can hope for as much.

I Am

I am invisible. I live in shadows.

Shadows of the past. Shadows of lost hopes and dreams. Shadows

of the lucky ones. The ones who did something that I did not. The ones who found favor with our Heavenly Father. I live in their shadow. I live under a glass

ceiling. I can see, but I cannot partake of the laughter and joy.

The normalness they take for granted.

Despair is my constant companion. I lose her every once in a while but she always catches up with me. Loneliness is my bedfellow. We talk little...there is little to say. Sorrow is my wound that cannot heal. I know a cure exists, but it is not covered in my insurance plan. Anger is my shield. The energy I use to protect my tender parts. Faith is my sustenance. The stuff I feed off of. Sometimes I go hungry. Tears are my currency. The price I pay for living.

I am a Middle Single Adult in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am a minority. I am alone. I am forgotten it seems. I am active in the church, have a calling and attend the temple when possible. I love the Lord and have a testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel. Sometimes I do not feel like I am a part of this church.

When you hear of “Singles,” usually it is in reference to the Young Single Adults. I am heartbroken again and again as I feel passed over in importance...to them; my needs and wants a distant second to theirs.

The church advises us to remain spiritual, upbeat and hopeful while filling our lives with good and wholesome things. This is good advice. In fact, it is great advice. So why does it leave me feeling hollow and empty? Maybe it's because I do not just want to know how to deal with my disappointments. Rather, I want to know how to get rid of them! I want to cast off my singleness and try something new for a change. I do not want to master the rules of dating and never go out on one. I do not want to plan evenings for one any longer. I want the opportunity to meet people, have fun, get to know them, and fall in love.

How intimate is a dance with a room full of people and the music so loud you can hardly think. If I laugh, will anyone be enchanted? If I want to be charming, do I have enough time during a three and a half minute song? All I know about the situation is that the problems in the Middle singles Program will be there until they are not.

The first sentence on page 27 of the August Ensign reads, "From time to time, single life makes me feel like a fish in a tank watching the married world go by." I know that feeling. I feel it every day. It is never too late. Not for anyone. But if nothing changes, nothing changes.

On Hendrixian Mathematics

Jimi Hendrix wrote several Rock anthems, but his song "If 6 Was 9" sticks out for me these days. Imagine if 6 really were, in fact, 9. All math and measurement would be much different, right? I mean, maybe we should all be going 90 mph instead of 60 on the highway. But, relatively speaking, wouldn't that also mean that we should go 30 mph higher in school zones? Well anyway, I am pretty sure that 6 is 6 and 9 is 9; and I'm happy for it.

But wait. Something similar exists in another corner of popular culture where 30 is 90, 40 is 90, 50 is 90, and so is 60, 70, and 80. In fact, every number above 30 is really 90. What am I referring to? You know it already. I don't have to tell you. Of course, it's the Singles Program of the LDS Church after age 30.

There is little need for me to extrapolate on it. Then again, maybe there is. What I can say with assurance is that the same generation that gave us Jimi Hendrix (the Baby Boomers) are having an "Age Renaissance." And they have some math tricks of their own. They have proven that 40 is the new 30, 50 is the new 40, 60 is the new 50 and so on. People marry (or remarry) late, start third or fourth careers, travel the world, jump into Yoga as a senior citizen, that kind of thing. All in all, it's a healthy trend. And people are living longer. And often happier.

This is not necessarily so in the Mormon crowd. We could learn a few things from our gentile brothers and sisters. Granted, many Boomers follow a far different compass when compared to the value system espoused by typical Latter-day Saints. Some live worldly and enjoy it immensely, without regret or apology. For instance,they may sow their oats after every break up. Should we do that? No. But there are things we should adopt by this most dynamic generation in the history of the world. When something does not work for them, they tend to change it without too much concern about whom they may be surprising, inconveniencing, or upsetting. As a result, they often get what they want. So for instance, they are far more likely to achieve a warm hand to hold during their twilight years than, say, we are. (Mind you, their twilight years tend to begin somewhere after ages 65-70, while ours often rears its head around the ripe old age of 30.)

And if that is true, then what happens to our Middle Single graduates (our45+ crowd, and our senior citizens?) Well, more often than not they grow old, alone…and eventually, they die. They are tolerated by our younger Middle Singles who sometimes get irritated by "old men making moves on me."*** But for the love of Pete, where are these people to go in order to meet ANYONE? They have no program of their own, donch-ya know? (I mean yes, the Middle Singles Program does not exist on paper, but the Senior Singles Program does not exist, period, dot, the end. Is this not so?) (And don't tell me that the official "Singles Program," a catch-all program for anyone from 30 to 101 suffices for this. We all know better.)

***I know, I know. But "Sean Connery gets sexier the older he gets." Right? (I heard this from a 30 year-old woman as she was complaining about old men chasing her around on the dance floor.) (Again, sorry. I couldn't resist. Great topic for another post. Just so you know, I feel for these younger women...but I also feel for these older men, and women.)




As an old man pushing the ancient age of 40 (also known as 90), I have heard the quiet complaints of saints twenty years my senior who, for fear of making an unwanted comment, quietly voice their woes in short, timid brevity. They break my heart. Such an unnecessarily hard road to heaven. Such early emotional death.

That historic little sector of the Boomer generation known as "Hippies" later traded in their lofty naivete and excessive sensory stimulation for other things like retirement stock options and healthier sensory stimulation(s) such as environmental consciousness, or Thai Chi. But as a whole, the entire Boomer generation, of which ex-Hippies are a part, changed again and again right along with their continual pursuit of what they consider "right." Many got there by rugged individuality, a deep sense of inner awareness, and connectedness with self and others. They also got there, consciously or unconsciously, by teamwork. Their sheer numbers have been a critical element of their success (something we share with them.) In any case, they defined and redefined the American marketplace. They simultaneously reestablished and extended what is considered "young." And while they were at it, they created their own lobby, AARP, supposedly the largest in Washington.

We singles could learn from Boomers. For starters, we could adopt their sense of emotional self-awareness by beginning to ask ourselves and each other, "Am I happy with things as they are in the Singles Program?" Why or why not?" If not, what can I do about it? What can we do about it?" From there, we might follow their philosophy in terms of the necessity of change, growth, and interconnectedness. In other words, we could start acting on our findings (and begin using our free agency for a change.)

Let us not forget, good things usually come to those who but ask. But the question here is obviously "What do we really want?"

In the Beginning, God Created the Earth. Then We Created This Blog...

Then, we asked you, "What do you consider to
be a "good Singles activity? Why?"
Then, you said....